h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Once upon a time there was a princess. She couldn’t sleep, she had tried everything but to no avail. Well, she though, if I can’t sleep I may as well do something usefull. So she contacted her friend capin’ Jack:
“Arr”
“Good sir, do you want to go and aquire some treasure in a gentlemanly manner?”
“Arr! Aharr”
“An old suitor of mine told me that he had to leave some treaure to be found in the catacombs, under the pirate haven, that we visited last month”
“Arr, but is not thar caves guarded by…the evil eye of orms by gore!”
“Oh he told me how to get past the evil eye of orms by gore”
“Aharr! Lets be going then”
So off they went, travelling towards the secret entrance to the catacombs. While they were surrounded by outcroppings behind which a guardian could easily hide they trusted to her eyes and his ears that they would not be discovered. The enterance took some forcing to open, but eventually despute years of rust (which had somehow built up since they were there a month or so ago) it came open. They peered into the blackness,
“Should we not shut the door behind us, the guardians could find it”
“Its too damn heavy and my fingers hurt”
“Arr mine too”
And so they forged ahead into the catacombs, the moss growing on the walls emitting an eerie light, they clambered through the vertical stalagtmites which infested the catacombs until they came across their first obstacle. A vast lake.
“Oh dear, its big and wet, we shall have to turn back!”
“Arr, never! I want that treasure, look ‘tis only a few inches deep – we can walk across”
“oh”
And so they walked across the vast, yet very very shallow lake and continued into the catacombs until they came to the dreaded tunnel of the evil eye of orms by gore
“Arr, if the evil eye of orms by gore sees us the guardians will come”
“I do belive that they live very nearby, we shall have to be carefull”
“Arr Aharr, I will find it!”
“Don’t be ridiculous you don’t know what your doing, just stay out of the way”
And so Jack watched as the princess edged along the wall looking for the evil eye of orms by gore. Suddenly she stopped and pointed. The evil eye of orms by gore was resting above the left hand wall, its green veins indiating that our intrepid adventurers had not been seen.
“Follow me”
And so the princess lead the way, on her hands and knees under the evil eye of orms by gore’s vision. She slipped between the stalagmites with ease. Captin’ Jack followed with much more difficulty, having been skipping on proper food and excersise as a result of spending the last year in the pirate haven. Eventually they were passed, and they looked up with baited breath, the evil eye of orms by gore was still green. They had defeated the guardian.
And so they continued, deeper into the catacombs. Breifly they thought they were lost, but they found that some kindly traveller had etched a map into the cave wall and they were back on track. Until finally they came upon the area where the princesses old suitor had concealed the treasure.
“He said they were around here somewhere, lets get looking”
And so they searched and searched and searched, but to no avail. The treasure was nowhere to be seen. The princess found the trappings of the architechts who constructed these caverns and thought the treasure lost to them. Still they searched, then they sat down to rest, the princess noticing Jacks lantern asked about it
“I say, you do appear to have brought a lantern”
“Arr! We needed one last time and we didn’t have it”
“Well why didn’t you tell em about it”
“Aharr! I’ve been using it for the past hour – how did you not notice”
“That’s it! I’m sending a homing pidgeon to my old suitor to see if he can tell us where it is”
“Haar! You think a pidgeon can navigate these here tunnels?”
“Look, mine can – but it has no pidgeon food, so it seems we are lost”
“Aharr, did ye not know you can use plastic as pidgeon food”
“I can! Why I say it worked, the pidgeon is going”
And so they waited for the pidgeon to return, and waited, and waited. But the pidgeon did not return.
“Damn, my ex suitor must be asleep! Oh well we’ll have to come back later”
“D’arr”
And so they left dedjectedally. But on the way home they found a wondering merchant. And they traded him shiny things for minstrels. And they ate the minstrels and there was much rejoicing. And they got home and went to bed.

And they lived happily ever after.

Whos jack?

Why did they live happily ever after??

You'll have to guess who Jack is, it is based on a true story - but thats all you'll get from me.

They lived happily ever after as in the fairy tales i.e. everything could go wrong in the sequel which will be written as soon as the princesses ex suitor tells Jack where he put the damn treasure.

What's the treasure???

It's only a fairy story...

Maybe it's pirate treasure, with gold and stuff.

Maybe it's student treasure, with beer and stuff.

Maybe it's... uh... chocolate.

Oh chocolate sounds good!!!!! Well so does the beer!!!!

Wooooooh, overuse of exclamation marks!

Mmmm, beer...

Mmmm, chocolate...

Mmm, Angel...


(Come on, someone must get that quote... someone? Anyone??)

Angel? Buffy? Vampire with a soul? That stuff? The furies?

Oh okay, I get it, I think

Of course if you wanted to know what happened you could always try to work out who the three researchers mentioned in the story are and harass them.

You have enough information to know who Jack is. You could also probably guess the pidgeon, the plastic and the map. If you get any of the Guardians, Catacombs, Architechts or Evil eye of orms by gore you can probably get the other three. Though I'm not telling.

Tell!!!! Please!!!!

If you can't work it out you'll just have to wait for the sequel and hope I drop some more blatant hints.

The sequel, the sequel, we wait with bated breath!
The sequel, the sequel, we wait unto our death!

Okay, that wasn't great, was it. Shame really, always wanted to be a wordsmith.

Angel? I dont get it.

Angel is a spin-off from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (which, uh, does (mainly) what it says on the tin and has Sarah Michelle Gellar in it). I prefer Angel to Buffly, but then, that might be because I;ve watched more of it.

Angel has a more interesting central character. And Buffy stopped slaying vampires by the second or third series when they realised people wanted some new and more creative baddies.

And I really do not want anyone to die in the sequel - I am quite attached to the main characters, especially Jack.

And if the Princess dies there shall have to be an enquiry, and we don't want that now, do we.

Its regicide. Stop regiciding.
I know lets kill off Buffy the vampire layer and Angel.