h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Welcome one and all to the Second Church of Applientology.

Here you can express your views and get answers to any questions from our leader and mentor Grand Arch chancellor Deacon Granstati.

If you wish to pose a question by all means do so. There are certain restrictions that apply please see below.

The Grand Arch chancellor Deacon Granstati will not take questions on the 23rd Tuesday of each lunar year.

The Grand Arch chancellor Deacon Granstati can not be held responsible for any problems that arise from his advise and we are not liable for any injury or loss.

"say, that's a nice bike"

Sorry about that one, It's just that I'm a member of the Random Quote Guild, and if I don't leave at least one random quote on your page, they'll take my thumbs (or something).
So yeah.

Actually, I have got one question.
When was the first church opened? I only ask because if it was before 1563 then I need to vanquish anybody who was in any way connected with it.

Long story, but if I tell you it involves that contemptable parakeet, you'll know what I mean.

A very good question indeed! The First Church of Applientology was opened in around 14BC after the discovery of a wooden spatula believed to have been owned by Jesus Christ himself. This spatula became the centre of the religion and the followers traversed many continents. By AD 1125 there were no less than six hundred million followers of Applientology. The first church was disbanded when tests on the spatula proved it to be a lump of petrified wood and that it pre-dated the birth of Christ according to the Roman calendar. This debunked the entire philosophy and teachings of applientology.

The second church was opened in 1546 when an old follower of the church found a tumble drier that was bought by JC. Conclusive proof was gained when we called master care and were told that JC was still paying the cost of the drier by weekly instalments. They wouldn’t give us his address because of the data protection act.

By JC do you mean Jesus Christ or Jeff Capes?

Either one's enough to base a religion on, but I was just wondering.....

It would have to be James Cagney. or John Crighton i dont know really. the historical records are a bit misty!

The bloke from Farscape?

I've just discovered a very interesting fact.

The answer to the age old question
"How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" is in fact 30 cubic litres.
Thought you might like to know.

Well what if the wood chuck was covered in tar and feathers with a pitchfork stuck in its arse. then how much wood could a wood chuck chuck?

This, of course, depends on three (3) factors.
One (1) Latitude
A woodchuck in pain (or peril- see point two(2) for more on this) is acutely aware of his or her surrounding environment. Ever since the year 1985 all woodchucks (pl. Woodchi) have had to have steel plates welded to their hindbrains, in order to stop them hearing Bryan Adams songs (something about the gravel-voiced canuck makes woodchi explode. This experiment has been tried in humans, with limited results. Most ended up completely lobotomised- but, as they could no longer hear Mr Adams "Music" this was considered a resounding success). As a result of these metal plates, Woodchi are attuned to the magnetic fields of our planet, and,much like Magneto from X-Men, can harness them to either fight crime or carry out diabolical schemes. And throw wood. So, the further north a woodchuck is, the further it can throw.

Two (2) Peril
Woodchi also have a unique defense mechanism against predators (such as pitchforks). When threatened, the woodchuck has two options.
(i) Take it like a mammal.
(ii) Shout "King Of Fighting!!", at which point the Woodchuck becomes a manga-like superbeast with Chuck Norris-like reflexes and stamina. In this heightened state of aggression, woodchi have been known to destroy plants, cars and even cities. So, the pitchfork probably wouldn't stand a chance.

Three (3) Apathy
This is the woodchuck's only discernible weakness. They just can't be bothered. It takes about 2 weeks of gentle coercing to make a woodchuck chuck the aforementioned 30 cubic litres. So after all this tar and feathers malarkey it probably wouldn't care. Oh well, the fickle hand of fate has dealt yet another of her mysterious cards of fortune.

And stuff.