h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Song Introductions I wrote for a competition....and then kept going....I didn't win...but here are some (apprently second-rate) introductions for songs....

Ever sat behind someone in a quiet room and wondered what would happen if you bit them on the back of the neck? Yeah, this song is about being in that kinda mood.

This song is for all of those people who have found moments of peace staring at the washing machine in spin cycle.

This is a song about those times in your life when you’re walking down the street thinking about something, and walk into a pole.

This song is about the day I realised that people only took me seriously when they were drunk.

This is a song about meeting a totally unspectacular person on a totally unspectacular night and talking about totally unspectacular things. You then come to the realisation that you’re really not spectacular enough to be so picky anyway, and end up going out with them.

I decided that there were too many jaded love songs out there, and far too many cutesy love songs. So this song is about that love we sometimes get enmeshed in that is just – well, weird…..

This is a song for all the people who marginalise the smokers, and then spend all summer soaking up UV rays, and all their hypocrite mates.

This is one of those songs that needs to be played loud. I wrote it for my next door neighbours, who are constantly telling me to turn the radio down... Sucked in, fellas!

This song is about getting left on public transport as a child. Once or twice is an accident. Three or four times is a little negligent. Getting left on the bus seventeen times in three months begins to smell like a conspiracy….

This song is about all those messed up nutcases I went to school with who are really sweet to me when I meet them on the street. If you were half as nice to me then as you are now, there’s no way I’d be such a psychopath.

This song is about that feeling you get when you’re being introduced to your partner’s parents, and realising that his (or her) mother is the therapist you were seeing for what has been described as “extremely strange sexual practice”.

This song is about trying to find a nice way of telling the gorgeous artist that you’ve just met that all of their art looks like crap.

This song was written while trying to figure out whether or not God created me for his own personal amusement.

This is one of those songs which was written purely to make all the other songs feel better. So a song can be thinking “Man, I’m such a sucky song, but at least I’m not (insert name of song here)!”

You know how sometimes you go out and spend all night trying to chat up someone who leads you on all night and then disappears? Yeah, well this is for them.

One day I realised that my best friend of almost ten years was a complete and utter moron. Not only that, she was a freeloading, slutty, drugged up moron. This song is about the realisation I had that I wanted to be her.

This is a song about that feeling you get when you realise the person you’ve been following around like a puppy dog for the last two years has a kid the same age as you….

Hmm, a competition? Where, might I ask?

Incidentally, I write very bad songs, so maybe I could take some of your very bad intros and use them.