h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

“You found her over the internet?”

“Well, yes.”

“You bastard! How could you?”

“It's just--”

“Don't even try to answer that! I know how you could...”

“If it's any consolation, this isn't something I planned; it just happened.”

“No, it's no consolation. What were you thinking?”

“I dunno. This guy told me about her--”

“Oh, great! You had someone else acting as matchmaker? That's just great!”

“Well she sounded nice and he showed me a picture--”

“You fell in love with her because of a photo? God...”

“Well, she did look nice--”

“Stop it! Just stop it! I can't take this. But I ~have~ to know. What drew you to her?”

“She had more to offer--”

“I haven't given you ~enough~? We've had some great times together, seen some wonderful things. I gave you two years of my ~life~ and this is how you repay me?”

“Look, our time together has been wonderful. We've gone places I never would have thought to go by myself, but maybe it's time for me to move on.”

“She's younger, isn't she?”

“Actually, she's a couple of years older than you and--”

“So you opted out for experience?”

“In a way, yes. She's traveled a lot, and she's European...”

“So I'm not good enough for you because I'm...Asian? All of a sudden you don't like Japanese--”

“Oh, how do I explain the attraction? I felt more of a kinship, because I come from Germany. She's from Bavaria and she runs with a different crowd...”

“Wonderful! She comes with friends attached!”

“Look, I haven't met many of them, except in passing. It had been a long-distance relationship until the first time we met, and that was while she was laid up. No one she knew was there, only the attendants.”

“See, not even her friends want anything to do with her. Leave her be!”

“I can't do that. I don't want to do that. I've invested a bit to bring her to this area and I'm not willing to just leave her where she's staying.”

“Knight in shining armor, are you?”

“Yeah, maybe you're right. I suppose I did the same when you and I met. You'd been turned out of a relationship--”

“That was different! I'd been with him since '97...'98?...I don’t remember. And we were good together! It tore me up when he let me go after more than ten years.”

“I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you feel like a 'starter bi--'”

“Shut up! I don't want to hear it! You could have at least given me the courtesy of letting me go gently...before you went out and found another--”

“That's just it. I wasn't planning to let you go at all. I just got caught up in events and the next thing I knew, she was mine.”

“Well, I hope you're happy with her! At least I won't be around to deal with her.”

“About that. I was wondering if you'd mind sharing some space together.”

“You are ~unreal~!”

“Hear me out. There's enough elbowroom in the garage for both of you. My wife and I have moved the storage cabinets out to the shed in the back yard, and I'm still in the process of rearranging the tool boxes and hanging wall bins so there's ample parking space for the two of you.”

“Do you realize how crowded that'll be? Who gets the forward berth with easy access to roll out, me or her?”

“You'd be willing to consider it, then, Black Betty?”

“Do I have any choice?”

“Well...not really. I want to keep you both. But you need to know...I may eventually have to part with one of you.”

“If you think about this reasonably, I'm sure you'll want to keep me. I'm a Honda Nighthawk CB750 with only 57,000 miles and I've performed admirably for you. You've invested in a new seat after the hailstorm last year, and you know it suits you better because it was custom-made. You've only ever had to buy me new tires, a new battery, and keep me lubed. I've given you good gas mileage--in the 40's until you let my carbs foul out. All I'm asking is that you keep looking after me and I'll keep giving you good rides. Besides, who is she that she could do better?”

“I call her '7 of 9'. That's because she came with some extra baggage. The advertisement stated she had an MTC Voyager attached, so it reminded me of Star Trek, and she had the same silver/blue paint as that one gal's uniform who was assimilated by the Borg. I've since found out she's been cobbled together a bit, kind of like a Franken-bike, so it's even more apropos.”

“Sounds like a charity case to me. How could she have anything going for her?”

“She's a BMW K1100LT, which means she's designed for long-distance cruising, because she has a 5-gallon tank. That's big enou--”

“Typical male! Didn't get past looking at her tank. I'll have you know I have a 5.55-gallon tank…or did you just never notice? With my slimmer profile and lower weight, I bet I can take you farther than she can. Damn it, don't you see she'll leave you hanging?”

“Okay, I’m sorry for seeming to overlook your better qualities.”

“Somehow, that still doesn’t sound like an apology. It still feels like you’re two-timing me.”

“Truth be told, it’s more like I’m triple-dippin’, because my wife is involved in all this, too. My wife was the main reason I wanted to get a slightly bigger road cruising bike. 7 of 9 is designed with a wider passenger’s seat whereas you, Betty, have never really made my wife feel comfortable.”

“You could have bought a Corbin seat as a replacement, but nooo…”

“Are we quibbling over could-have-beens now?”

“If you wanted her to feel at ease while riding with us, ~you~ should have spent the extra cash for a good aftermarket saddle. You could have even purchased a ~real~ MTC Voyager kit so she wouldn’t feel skittish about leaning into curves. You know one of those would make me steer more like a car?”

“Yeah, I know. And you’re right, the extra wheels would go on or off in a matter of minutes. I could put them on for weekend rides with my lady, and I could take them off to ride back-and-forth to work during the week.”

“Now you’re being sensible. See, you didn’t even need a second bike, did you?”

“Stop smiling! The deal is already done and 7 of 9 is coming home next weekend.”

“Damn!”

“If--mind you, only IF--she doesn’t work out in the long run, she’ll go and you’ll stay. Hey, I saw that smirk!”

B4thisbecomesaknockdowndragoutfightbetweenall4ofus

Pulleeeease put that into <./>ThePost</.>

Dmitri would love it!


lil x

And he did. It'll be kicking off the New Year in the first issue of 2012. Thanks for suggesting I submit it, Lilac (Auntie Giggles).

B4itticklessomeoneelsesfunnybone

*giggles*

I bet you have loads more hidden in your archives

Dmitri just loves anything like that


lil x

Okay, put the orb away 'cause it's creepin' me out how you know that stuff. Yes, I ~do~ have things stashed away, and there are a couple of Journal Entries that I did for NaJoPoMo that could qualify for a wider audience. I'll just weed...through...this...stuff...

Let me get back to you and/or Dmitri on this, as it may take me (and a very critical eye) to determine what's fit for mass consumption. Or at least the handful of happy-go-lucky readers here on HooToo who enjoy an engaging short story.

B4iransackmyfiles4stuff2postforcertainspecialoccasions

*hides her snowglobe*


We are all grown-ups who read





lil x