h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I had a very interesting, considered, and lively debate on Sunday. "Aha," I hear you cry, "some more middle-class effluent that tries to pass itself off as a reasoned point of view on the current crisis in the Middle East". Well, no. In fact, Claire and I got a good couple of hours of discussion out of the conundrum that is: why neither of us has had sex in several months.

I mean, it's shocking isn't it? We're both intelligent, articulate, thoughtful, and (dare I say it) good-looking people. Surely nubile young women and strapping young men should be queueing up to tear our respective sets of clothes off with their teeth? Apparently not.

Without wanting to prevail upon your patience any further, I'll skip straight on to the end of the argument. What we settled on, and what every man and woman of consensual age needs, is a certain person you carry in your back pocket (not literally, of course) to whom you can go when you badly need to get your rocks off. They might be attached, they might not. Let's face it, you don't even have to get on that well. All that's required is a mutual physical attraction and a shared enjoyment of frenetic illicit sex.

So if anyone fancies offering their services, you can contact me through my page. You'll be doing someone a great favour, and even (if my current dry spell continues for much longer) saving a life.

Go on. You'll be glad you did

EDITOR'S NOTE: the views expressed herein are those of the author only. The BBC's views and mission are in no way represented by this rather seedy person, who has chosen to use H2G2 as a forum to air his sordid desires and broadcast his unfulfilled longings. Nasty man.