h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So. 

After years of bullying my interpersonal skills are somewhat rusty. I'm not good at making friends and I'm very not good at allowing people in close.

Recently it's also occurred to me that I have abandonment issues as my biological father has been absent all my life and my lovely dad has taken a little time to get to that stage.

Being an expat seems to exacerbate these feelings. Although I'm the one that left, nearly ten years ago now(!), I have made (every?) effort to keep in touch and not be forgotten. I visit usually twice a year and call, send christmas cards and presents when appropriate. We don't do birthday cards in Iceland so I don't send those and I don't expect those in return either.

But I rarely get phonecalls and any extended family ignore christmas cards and birthdays. The only visitors we've had have been my mum and dad and three siblings, as well as my late gran.

From Iceland I have one friend. Se doesn't call, she doesn't write and she certainly doesn't visit. She has been my closest friend since 1998.  She's single, childless, professional, and as harsh as it might be of me, I think she has no excuse. Now, we talk occasionally on Facebook(!) and whenever I go over she is who I prioritise spending time with over almost everyone else..

In the UK I now have a few friends. Mostly joint friends that have become 'ours' and acquaintances from school or work where I am rubbish at keeping in touch and being approachable because I still have my little damaged bits. But I did manage to make one best friend who I thought would always be there. 

Except her life has taken an inexpected turn and in a month she is moving away. I'm trying really hard to be positive and supportive and happy for her but here I can admit that I'm struggling. I'm angry, to be honest. Which is when I finally twigged I might have abandonment issues (!) 

So we've planned to meet up for one last girly outing next weekend (part of me trying) but the inner child now wants to cancel and to be brutally honest, wants nothing more to do with her. I am one of those women that finds it very difficult to share it if someone hurts my feelings because I don't want to hurt anyone elses feelings (!) and so I tend to laugh it off and shrug it off and minimise it to people. But the inner child wants to cut her off and punish her for leaving me. Even though she's not leaving me, more just moving on with her life as people do (and like I did when I moved to the UK) I feel hurt.

Except the rational part of me knows she's a friend, not my partner. She's allowed to make her own decisions and her life os her own. So I try not to feel hurt or left behind or lonely. Which isn't entirely working and I can't quite explain this to anyone face to face. The side effect of this is that I'm withdrawing from other people, like DT. I can feel myself doing it but seem unable to stop it.

Part of me is thinking I'd like to be single, I'd like to move back to Iceland, that I don't want to have kids in case I'd end up putting them in the position of being / feeling abandoned too. I feel depressed (which is something I know from experience is temporary and will pass) which I hate, as well as feeling slightly self-destructive, which is something that I know DT will have very little truck with. 

I have no intention of doing anything along those lines because I know what's going on and I'm calm and rational and have been there before. I'm angry that these issues keep cropping up and I keep getting blind-sided by them. 

I'm also angry that after 34 years and both my parents being professionals in the area, I may be a borderline, high-functioning, undiagnosed Aspie. Which I'm mainly ignoring as I have enough health things going on with brittle bones, oral allergy syndrome and recurring depression. Even if (very borderline) Aspbergers would explain a lot of stuff about my social skills and some other stuff.

I have no idea what to do later this year once I've graduated and I feel frightened. The vague future plan is to build an extension to our little house and have a kid or two. However, those aren't overnight things and in the meantime, I'm stumped. I haven't exactly had my confidence buoyed by the university experience and so I feel just as or more unemployable than before I started. I certainly don't feel like I'll go out and get a job in my new industry which makes the idea of a masters programme feel like a necessity, even if I'm also scared of attempting more in an educational setting.

DT is as supportive as it is humanly possible to be. I feel like such a horrible partner, needing more support from him on top of everything else he's already doing for me. And I know that it's the depression talking/thinking that makes me spiral down and question every single choice I've ever made.

I know I don't actually want to live in Iceland. I just want to feel remembered by family. I know I love DT with all my being and to be without him would be the stupidest thing ever. I know I can get a job, if not my dream job. I know our plans for our house and family will happen, eventually, even if it won't be in my preferred order. I know I will make other friends eventually if I can be brave enough to try it again.

I also know my friend from Iceland will never visit. I know I will lose touch with my friend who is moving away. I will never get christmas cards from my extended family. I will never get regular calls from my parents or my siblings. 

My kid(s) won't speak icelandic properly. They won't properly know their extended families there. My mother will not approve, but neither will she make more of an effort.

I feel lost. I'm (strongly) considering going to see the counsellor I saw at college when I had the tumour stuff going on. I think I will still feel lost.