h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have to live with this guy; pity me!

Genie's lad did a great one the other day.. mummys on the phone and is handed by little one what she 'thinks' is a chocolate .."where did you get that darling?" she asks.."in mines pants!" he said and ran off giggling

Ew!

Well today as daddy was digging in the garden buggerlugs had great fun eating the dirt. I was surprised she wasn't interested in the worms...

She probably is very interested in worms, but not while you are looking or are in disarming range. She's probably hidden them about her person for later consumption.

I reckon it's more likely she's dealing in them. Selling them on to the other local toddlers for considerable profit.

A worm pusher eh?

Grandad to grandson: "Tell me sonny, how would you get a squiggly, wiggly worm to go back down its hole?"
Grandson: *thinks* "I'd spray it with super hold hairspray. That would make it as stiff as a board and then I'd just push it back in the hole."

Next day

Grandad: You're a very clever boy! Here's a nice shiny £1 coin from me and a big new £5 note from your grandma.

I used to work with boys in a home near Dover and we used to take them fishing. One of the lads was really hooked (oops, a pun - how did that get there?) and had no qualms about handling ragworms. The worst of it was having to pull these worms into bits to put them on the hooks. Sadistic little feller quite liked that and the worm juice would end up running off his elbows. He'd taken a packet of crisps with his picnic and dipped his worm sodden hand straight into the crisps and filled his face. He then offered the pack to me. Strangely enough I wasn't feeling so hungry at that point.

Ewww! Oh to be young again I guess

I reckon you might be onto something re the worm pushing business. I think she's using the stones in the garden as currency

Stoned! Pusher! is there a theme here?

Maybe I meant stones as in Mick n Keef

Oh wait....

Is your daughter particularly wrinkly?
Maybe that's why she's craving the cream!

Aha
Just been looking on www.hotukdeals.com and they have a heads up saying that Tesco's have a special offer on Sudocrem. 400g tub £4.

It doesn't say whether it comes with a spoon, straw or something else.

Erm...

Does anyone have any tips for getting large quantities of nasty, greasy, unshiftable Sudocrem out of a carpet?

Rearrange the furniture.

I think hotukdeals.com has a special offer on scissors and carpet tape.

I think now may be a good time to get in those people who scrub seabirds clean after oil spills cos Sudocrem is just as tough to remove

Baby shampoo - as it's waterproof you need something soapy. Try to find a brand that matches the carpet, just in case that doesn't work.

nighthoover it out of the carpet of course I have to meet a baby next week... this week ocming that is.... I'll be expected to do 'all that stuff' that you are expected to do when you first meet/hold someone elses baby... any advice?; I'm really not good aorund young children Maybe I could take along some of this cream to feed it

Just give it a cigar and a stiff whisky and it'll be fine.

sorted then... I can just about handle that ACtually... Its a Scottish baby... well it was born in Scotland I wonder if it wears a special tarten nappy/kilt it... must remmeber not to keep calling it an 'it'... I think its a female baby... or maybe its male... I don't know... they all look the same when they're that* young Bet it'll ... sorry... she'll vomit on me, babies always vomit on me *makes note to pack old shirt to wear*