h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm not quite sure. I've had one of those conversations with Roy and I'm not sure whether we're doing to continue as partners or not. I got so stressed last week that I called a counselling service and got some fairly helpful advice plus the promise of up to four face-to-face counselling sessions for us either as a couple or individually. There's stuff going on at work as well - we're going to be hot-desking from December and moving from bulk storage to various half-*rsed partial options at a time when I have two staff off on maternity leave and I'm trying to run a service. And also a time when little is moving from primary to secondary school and I'm getting precious little help with his (strongly suspected) Autistic Spectrum Disorder.

Having had the conversation, I feel much better. We're going to the Isle of Wight next week to see my parents - the first time he will have stayed with them - and it will be interesting to see what happens.

I asked little what he thought of Roy and he said that he had good and bad points. He thought the good points included the various sorts of support he gives us and the bad points included the amount of extra work he gave me. I agreed with the first, but wasn't so certain about the second point; it's much more complicated than that.

I have very much mixed feelings and have no idea of what I want out of this.

While it is good to hear from you I am sorry you are having such strife all round. Why does everything all come at once

Perhaps the holiday will resolve some things one way or another, and I have a feeling from your pas postss that this has been on the cards for a while.

Little sounds a wise little boy. Perhaps he can see more clearly than you can, and I guess his opinion will count a lot with you.

I hope things improve all round, but you have my email addie if you want someone to talk to at any time.

By the way have you heard anything more about AlsoRan1? Hoo Too seems so much poorer without her.

Take care, and don't forget to drop me a line some time,

Websailor

I agree with what websailor says on all points. You are good at sorting things out - I hope Roy agrees with whatever you decide to do. Have a nice time on IoW.

I'm sorry to hear this, ZSF. Does it feel better to have written it down?

The counselling option sounds very good - and how sensible of you to find out about it How does Roy feel about that? Counselling can be incredibly beneficial (it certainly has been for me) if only because it gives you clear space to talk and think about your circumstances, with somebody who has no vested interests and no opinion about you.

I agree with Websailor - Little has the clarity of youth. Trust his instincts, as much as you trust your own.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

Fb

Thank you, Websailor, TC and Fb,

I think that the IOW is likely to be good for me and may throw some clarity on how things are with us.

I discussed the possibility of us going for counselling with Roy and he said he was up for it. He could also have one of the four counselling sessions to himself, I understand, as he lives with me at weekends. He said that he was unlikely to move in with me or anyone until he has a house of equal value - at the moment he's living in one room of a shared house. He has really big dreams, but I have difficulty in believing in them. I don't think there is a Plan B.

I have told little that we are discussing whether or not to stay together. He hasn't said whether he'd like things to stay the same or not. If it happens, at least it won't be a complete shock.

Thanks, Websailor for the offer of e-mailing. I probably will e-mail when I'm back from the IOW. I'm off there early tomorrow and I have a Toastmasters meeting tonight.

Warmly

You are very clear minded ZSF. Wonderful. Well done. I hope that the break helps.

Thanks, Fb!

I've done a spreadsheet of good stuff and not-so-good stuff. Not sure whether to bring this with me to the IOW or whether to leave it behind and discuss it when we're back.

WS

The holiday went uneventfully, except for my mother annoying me by promising other people that I would phone them. My uncle I didn't mind, but what really got my goat was when she promised a neighbour I would phone her. I've no real connection with the neighbour, except for being dragged round to see her from time to time previously. She's actually quite nice, but I hate the idea of being paraded. I think that if she had asked me in a different way, I would probably have been OK about it, but it's the feeling of being coerced that I don't like.

Roy and I had different agendas for the holiday. I wanted to relax and he wanted to see as much of the island as possible and to really schedule our time there. On the other hand, we met a really nice chap at the boat museum who told us all about the different communities on the island (Ventnor apparently is full of old hippies), He also said that to retire on the island, you had to have a plan and you really need to join in with community life. It's those people who don't have plans that struggle and anyone who doesn't join in is perceived as being an outsider. Mum has her church community. Dad only really has mum. Although he's a lovely man and is great company, he doesn't actively seek out others.

I had a call from the counselling service and have been put in touch with a counsellor. I've yet to make contact with her.

Did your break do you any good at all? Did you find things were any clearer? It seems your 'moods' shall we say, are not compatible which is a shame, especially on holiday.

Mothers (me included probably) can be a pain can't they?

I hope things become clearer. It must be hard to be somewhat in limbo with Christmas looming . I didn't mean to mention that dreaded word this early, but it just slipped out

By the way did you see that Christiane is back on Hoo Too with some good news? It was lovely to hear from her.

Take care and keep in touch,

Websailor

I wasn't as relaxed as I'd hoped for during the break and I managed to let mum really wind me up. It would probably have been very much simpler if I hadn't made such a big deal out of it. I just hated the idea of being coerced into doing something. I know my my mum does need a close friend nearby and she thought that my phoning would keep her in K's good books. Personally, I don't think it would make any difference.

Did I find things were any clearer? I'm not sure. I have the telephone number of the counsellor and I'll make contact with her once I've got little off to school. Roy suggested I write things down as when we speak, I find myself getting defensive or trying not to hurt his feelings, so things remain unsaid.

Christmas?! Not given that any thought as yet.

Yes, I've been in contact with Christiane. I hope to give her a call tonight. I didn't yesterday as she had that dreadful head cold and I know how I don't really like talking when I have one. If she's still suffering from it, we may not speak long.

With love,

That's nice to hear - Christiane is back. Where can I find her and read about the good news?

She's re-registered under the name radiantjoiedevivre: U9487216

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That is very sound advice. I think women get upset when talking about things that really matter, either tearful or angry, and the words come out wrong or as you say are unsaid.

A friend of mine spills everything out in an email, then we look at it afterwards and talk it through. It is surprising how much easier it becomes.

We always let Mums wind us up too. I wonder why?

with the counselling. Anything is worth a try if you value what you have got.

Take care,

Websailor

Why do we let our mums wind us up? Do you know, I'm not sure, but I think they push buttons from long ago that we still haven't dealt with - otherwise they wouldn't have the power to either make us crumple or get inflamed.

I have four sessions with the counsellor. She suggested we see her together for the first one, then one for each of us, finishing up with one for both of us. Starts a week tomorrow.

We had a long talk today. He came over a day early. He'd spoken with a counsellor from the service too (he had to ring to confirm that he agreed to come) and said she sounded very understanding.

I am so glad he is taking part too. So many men wouldn't entertain the idea so perhaps you have more going for you than you think.



Websailor

Yes, I think it will be helpful. OUr first appointment is on Saturday coming.

Oh, and Happy Birthday for Friday

Websailor

The first session of counselling took place. The three things I heard were about me setting boundaries between work and home, setting 2-3 hours aside to do clutter clear work and she said to Roy that she heard all about what he needed, but no 'we'. He's been much more attentive since the session.

There seems to be a key theme going on. I lost my car keys (actually they were in another jacket pocket and I have a spare set, so it wasn't a real problem), Roy lost his keys (both his home and mine) and just yesterday little lost his set. What's going on?

That was very interesting

Three lots of keys lost or mislaid must be a record. There won't be any more lost now . i hope they were all recovered. It is such a nuisance to replace everything.

I hope the counselling sessions help you both to see more clearly.

How did the birthday go, was it a non-starter or did I get the date wrong?

Take care,

Websailor