h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oh, AR1

It's difficult isn't it. I admit to being cross when he pinched all that flapjack. I was looking forward to my share of it and he knew he was doing wrong in taking it. Maybe the answer is just not to have that type of thing around.

The school referred him to an educational support person and I have had a couple of chats with her. It may be that I need to get back in touch and chat this thing through. I also have a friend in America who is a psychotherapist and I have discussed handling his behaviour with him, which I have found very helpful. I'm not sure that he thinks of my BB as being a threat, although part of him may, I suppose. He is now very fond of him and asks when he is coming round. When people mistake him for little 's father, he is definite to say he's not, he's 'honorary family'. I think that's rather nice.

Thanks for your support, AR1 . Much appreciated!

Oh ZSF! So much self-doubt in one thread! (I've just been trying to catch up with it all.......)
I'm sure you are a wonderful Mum - not a Super-mum (who wants one of those?) but the best Mum you can be to Little He sounds like a pretty bright kid! I love some of the things you've talked about him saying. Wise beyond his years.
I'd be delighted if my girls took fruit without me having to force it upon them! My 16 year old has a thing about apples - he eats 4 or 5 a day (guess he needs something in them at the moment - he's vegan) - I just try to make sure we have enough for me to try to get the girls (there are 3 of them) to eat some too.
Have you tried leading Little by example? (The word 'educate' comes from the Latin for 'to lead' - and 'discipline' - from the root for 'to follow' (as in 'disciple')). He's at the stage where he'll learn most things by immitation. Maybe if you tried asking him permission to do things - "Would it be OK if I had one of the apples - or do you think you need them all today?" - he'd start to do likewise. (He'd probably think it hilarious to start with but maybe humour would help dissipate all the tension around the issue.)
As to him wanting to eat meat - fortunately that hasn't come up in our house - but, if it did, I'm afraid I would just have to explain we don't have meat in the house. Somehow my children have all come to assume that it is pretty gross anyway (my 6 year old actually said that this evening when she saw a cooked joint of meat on the telly this evening) - but we have done no more to influence their attitudes than to tell them what meat is. We have had the odd occasion when they have wanted to eat sweets with gelatine in (when they have been given by friends - we don't buy them) and I have just explained to them where it comes from and said they have a choice whether or not to eat them. They have usually declined (and some of the friends have decided against it too!). (One of my sons first sentences was "Is it suitable for vegetarians?"!!)
One of my daughters has a similar self-image to Little - thinking herself stupid, ugly, fat (she's intelligent, gorgeous and just right). It gets to me sometimes when she doesn't want her friends to know that she is a brilliant climber and unicyclist - because they would think her 'different'. I talk to her climbing instructor about it sometimes - he has a fantastic way with kids and an amazing attitude. He says it's just her way at the moment - she needs to find her own route through - we can't push her in the direction we want her to go - just give her the opportunities to see the different paths. It is hard though! But no one said having kids was going to be easy! .
Love and light,
Jan

Hi vegantoo!

I think one of the difficulties little has at school is one of his 'friends' (an older boy, who I find is a bit of a bully) teases him about not being allowed meat and is egging him on to ask to be a meat-eater.

Asking him permission to do things? Interesting! Worth an experiment, maybe. I do try to ask him to do things, rather than to instruct. He's a Generator child (actually an emotional Manifesting Generator) and so needs to be asked.

Interesting about little is that although he is wise and can draw brilliant inferences, he was considered needing extra help at school in English and Math. Just recently, he's been glued to the computer to the Star Wars Kids site and I noticed how much his reading had improved. Just yesterday, I had two letters from the school. One said he has improved in English, the other that he had improved in Math, to the extent that he no longer needs extra help in the subjects. His handwriting is still poor - he's been diagnosed as mildly dyslexic.

I don't know why his self image is poor. I don't think it is all the time. He saw some pictures of himself the other day as a baby and said he was cute, then added 'Why am I not cute now' - I almost fell about laughing and told him of course he was cute now - and he really is. Then he asked if his best friend was cute. I said yes, but in a different way.

Dearest Zarquhon

Just to say have a great day/ You are getting there and that marvellous letter from Jan whose son eats six apples a day was a brilliant analysis on how to bring up one's children. I wish she had been around when mine were young.

the sun is shining, the sky is blue
I am happy,
I hope you are too!

Pathetic poetry but it really explains my feelings.

I find that some days I do not even feel like getting up and facing the world. Today I feel great. I am going to enjoy it.

Go well dear friend.Affectionate good wishes to your little , and tell him that we are all proud of the fact that he has good such good marks at school with his English and Maths. Can it really be because of that TV game? Life is extraordinary. I think that his honorary appellation is quite brilliant.

Much
AR1

Thanks, AR1

Yes, I think 'honorary' is pretty too. I'm late for school at the moment - meeting in London afterwards. Will reply properly when I'm back from work.

Hi again AR1

I think the main problem may be that he doesn't see his real father, who is a very unreliable person. We've only seen him once this year, I think, and little wants to see him, but doesn't talk about it.

Oh my dear Zarquhon

I fully understand that. K's father lives in France and has never . ever taken a single bit of interest in him. Our other children he has, but even they are now angry with him.
I do not know what the solution is. One cannot instil responsibility in a parent if it is not there. One cannot instil love in a parent if it is not there. One just has to get on with life and do the best one can. It is incredibly difficult for you I know and all I can suggest is that you share it with us and in that way try and relieve the awful stress which being a single parent engenders.
I hope that you have a happy day. We are going to the Balckthorn Trust in Maidstone where they are having a summer solstice musical marathan!!.

With much as always

AR1

Hi AR1

I hope you have a lovely time. I've no idea what the Blackthorn Trust is. We've been invited to a solstice bonfire at one of the Quakers' house this evening. We may go to that. There's a school fete which we will go to.

Yes, with little , it's difficult to know how how to deal with it. I also have my own feelings about his father to deal with. I often don't find it comfortable around him - he brings his own 'shell' of chaos with him. He's often depressed and self absorbed. He used to go on about how much he loved little , but in the flesh, often he spends all his time complaining to me and not giving attention to his son. I've no idea what the answer is.

Oh my dear friend

I have just written you a long letter and lost it whilst I was proof-reading it. I do not have the courage to write it again tonight.
So sleep tight. I hope that you had a wonderful day. We had and lots of exciting things have happened. Will tell you tomorrow.

Much >love>
AR1

Hi AR1

Oh, pooh! How annoying! That's happened to me before and I know the feeling.

Never mind, you'll have to tell me another day how your day out went.

I had a pleasant quiet weekend. Didn't go to the barbecue or the Quaker Summer Lunch, but did go to little 's school fete. He thought he'd won a jar of those hard spherical lollies (full of sugar), but the draw han't been made and he had to give it back. He was *so* disappointed. They gave him a packet of jelly sweets for his honesty. He managed not to cry and I told him how very proud of him I was.

With

Got a new wheeze to help him at bedtime. As I'm reading him a chapter of Harry Potter before bed, I need to start preparing earlier. Getting him to clean his teeth has been the big issue - he tells me he's done them when he hasn't. I've started to use a kitchen timer on him and this seems to work - at least when I'm physically there, and maybe this is what he needs at the moment - a bit of attention and verbal rewarding for doing them.

Anyway, it all came together last night and he was in bed for 8.05 pm. The five minutes late was due to the fact that I clipped his toe-nails just before bed. He was so relieved I wasn't doing his finger nails that he made little protest.

A result!

I also went to talk to his teacher, after I had an episode of him having a bit of a tantrum and when I persevered, I found that at the bottom of it was the fact that he was worried about doing poorly in class. 'Why am I behind everyone else in class?' I talked with him about the things he did much better than everyone else and said that people develop at different stages and I would help him and I did make an appointment to see his teacher and found out ahead of the parents evening that he had done well in maths and science. He'd only done poorly in English because of the time it takes him to read. He would have scored well in comprehension if he had finished the reading in time; the trouble he has is decoding the words. He has dyslexia, I'm told. Funny, how with encouragement and something he's really interested in (like Star Wars), he can attempt difficult words!

My very dear Zarquhon

I am sorry tht I have been so remiss about writing. I am sooo thrilled about the positive results. Well done to both of you.

Would never have thought of a timer for washing teeth., In any case I hate going to bed with the taste of toothpaste in my mouth. Much prefer the taste of chocolate!!. Hence my problems. Anyway, you are doing a great job - and I think that reading to one's children before they go to sleep is absolutely obligatory. It forms such a bond and is really wonderful for making them feel loved and cherished.

Also interested to read about the meeting with the school teacher. I am glad that you cleared it up about his problems with reading. I used to let my children choose a comic when they were seven, but I refused to read it to them. I can assure you that they quickly learnt to read!!. So let him read Star Wars if he likes it. I am sure it is good and will improve his reading.

Now I want to know about this last weekend. Did you go to the meet?. I am longing to hear about it.

I have taken a big decision. About two weeks ago I was furious when one of the old biddies who lives here walked straight past my son K. without responding to his greeting. I decided then and there to move!!. And now, I find myself with a beautiful new flat in a super new development at a place called Leybourne Lakes near Maidstonew!!. And I shall be moving within two months.

Suddenly everything is happening and the M.H. team who were looking after him here are jacking themselves up and are going to help find him 24 hour care in Maidstone. Once thenre I am sure that he will eventually be able to get into his own home. In am thrilled about it and have been threatening to write about it in my journal for some time but have not had the time to do it particularly with Wimbledon on at the moment.

I must now fly and collect my car which had to have it's MOT. Then back to see THE match between France and England (Grosjean and Henman) Three guesses as to whom I shall be backing. A very lone voice!!.

Fondest

AR1

Hi AR1

Oh, did you not make the h2g2 meet either? I was sad at the thought of not seeing you again.

I didn't go as I went to a barbecue with my little family. We met Merlin's (I've decided to call him that on-line) ex-girlfriend and her partner, who is leaving (well, has now actually left) as his visa expired. So, it was a farewell for him and a chance to meet some of Merlin's friends. It was a scorchingly hot day. Little made himself useful handing out drinks and ice-cubes with the purpose of putting them on the skin to cool down. He really enjoyed himself.

Sounds as though things are really moving for you and K and I am pleased about it if it brings a change for the better.

Enjoy Wimbledon!

With

Hi, dearest Z

Thanks for your note.

It is K's birthday today and he has asked me out to lunch. We are off to Whitstable to have oysters and lobster. Gross extravagance but it is to make up for his horrid year.

So glad you had a lovely BBQ on Saturday. I just sat and baked here. It really was very warm.

Perhaps when I have moved into my new home you will be able to come and see me with little
I feel as if you are really family now!!.

Fondest

AR1

Hi AR1 !

Oysters and lobster? Sounds yummy! Tell me more. Are there eating places there, or are you buying them to bring home and cook?

And yes, we would love to come and visit you when you move. Have you my e-mail address?

It's little 's sports day tomorrow. I do hope it doesn't rain. I'm not counting on sunshine - the forecast says cloudy - I would be satisfied with that. Possibly Merlin will come too, although he may be too busy.

Hi, dear heart,

I do hope that the sports Day went well and that little enjoyed it.

No we had the sea food at the restaurant. It was K's birthday. He has had such a happy birthday. All his siblings remembered him and quite a few friends as well
Tomorrow we are going for a drive to Arundel. I have promised K. a pair of binoculars for his birthday and I believe that there is a shop for the RNIB near there, I hope that I can find it. Yesterday I got horribly lost retunrning from Whitstable. There is now a new A2 about which I knew nothing. So I took little noticer of the marking which said deviation indicating Maidstone as I did not see the sign 279. Then suddenly we were headinf for the Dartford tunnel. Scared the daylights out of me. Who said that there have not been any roads built during Labour?

Fortunately I found another one 228 which indicated Tonbridge and West Malling so did not have to go driving into Lonton.

Hope Merlin enjoyed the day as well.

I do not have your email address and do not know how to get it. Please tell me how. The only peson I know who has mine is Maggy(Meg) and I have not heard from her for a little while. Amy Pawlowski also has mine.

Fond
AR1

Hi, dear heart,

I do hope that the sports Day went well and that little enjoyed it.

No we had the sea food at the restaurant. It was K's birthday. He has had such a happy birthday. All his siblings remembered him and quite a few friends as well
Tomorrow we are going for a drive to Arundel. I have promised K. a pair of binoculars for his birthday and I believe that there is a shop for the RNIB near there, I hope that I can find it. Yesterday I got horribly lost retunrning from Whitstable. There is now a new A2 about which I knew nothing. So I took little noticer of the marking which said deviation indicating Maidstone as I did not see the sign 279. Then suddenly we were headinf for the Dartford tunnel. Scared the daylights out of me. Who said that there have not been any roads built during Labour?

Fortunately I found another one 228 which indicated Tonbridge and West Malling so did not have to go driving into Lonton.

Hope Merlin enjoyed the day as well.

I do not have your email address and do not know how to get it. Please tell me how. The only peson I know who has mine is Maggy(Meg) and I have not heard from her for a little while. Amy Pawlowski also has mine.

Fond
AR1

I have Maggy's e-mail, so I'll ask her to give you mine - probably the easiest way.

Hi AR1

Horrid being lost isn't it! I've done it many a time, although my sense of direction is now rather better than it used to be. I'm glad that you and K had such a happy day!

I can't say I enjoyed sports day. I had had a conversation with Merlin the previous evening and we were talking about commitment - not that either of us is looking for that at the moment - there are good reasons why this in not on the cards - from my point of view that I think it takes a lot longer to reach a stage where it is a serious option. However in principle, he said that he hadn't been looking for a relationship with someone with a child and it would prevent him doing things he wanted to do. Touched into a lot of deep stuff with me (bear in mind that I'm not ready for commitment at present, and I'm very aware of how restricting to my movements having a child is. It also touched into the whole issue of being a single parent, which again I find a painful one. He didn't come to the sports day because a) he was too busy and b) he didn't want little to get the impression that he was a substitute father. Anyway, I was near to tears all day.

We talked about it last night and I felt an awful lot better after we'd spoken. I know it's all my stuff - it's not about him.

He came up on the train last night bringing his laptop and left part of his stuff on the train. Made him really angry with himself and so he had to go home early today. So far, it's not been handed back in. Good job it's not the laptop itself, but I'm putting out thoughts for its return. It will cost around £200 to replace.

Hi AR1!

I've e-mailed Meg/Maggy to ask her to forward my e-mail address to you.

Oh, get more food pinching. Around lunchtime - just a little before 12 pm, I asked little if he was hungry, as I wanted to eat before we went to the swimming baths. He said 'no', he wasn't hungry.

Made some food in any case a little while later and when I went to find it, I found the sofa in pieces with him sitting in the middle of it and evidence of fruit snack bars (the sort he takes with him to after school club) and empty Yakult bottles - he'd guzzled the lot! I was so annoyed. No swimming now!