h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Meeting, 2pm: Covent Garden

Agent: ‘This is Leon.’
Me: ‘Hello.’
Leon: ‘Hello.’
‘--------’
Me: ‘So what’s your book called?’
Leon: ‘Change Your Mind, Change Your Life - Advice What Will Make You Be Successful.’
Me: ‘Right.’
Agent: ‘Leon wants you to do 90 illustrations for his book.’
Me: ‘Right.’
Agent: ‘Leon, tell her how you made all your money.
Leon: ‘Carpet.’
Me: ‘Oh my Dad’s a carpet fitter.’
Leon: ‘Rare Eastern carpets.’
Me: ‘.....Right.’ So, what do the pictures involve?’
Leon shows me some roughs of a an artist that ‘didn’t work out.’ They are awful.
Me: ‘Right.’
Leon: ‘So, well the illustrators I contracted before didn’t fully grasp the feeling I’m trying to get across in this book. Much like a journey on an escalator, some people run up the moving stairs, they are taking every opportunity they can. Some people let the moving stair take them to the top with little effort, but they don’t get there as fast. Then some people choose to run down the stairs in another direction, with tears streaming from their eyes.’
Me: ‘Right.’
Leon: ‘Basically, you will come to my house in Hampstead and I will pose for you the correct poses required for my book.’
‘-----------’
Agent: ‘My client wouldn’t be comfortable with that arrangement.’
Me: ‘You’re not f****** wrong.’
Leon: ‘Pardon?’
Me: ‘I said you’re not thinking long, I mean for each session?’
Leon: ‘Oh no, I wouldn’t take much of your time.’
My agent is snickering behind his clipboard. I can’t hold it in much longer.
Leon: ‘I can tell your birthday from the bone structure of your face. It’s the subject of my next book.’
He says this as I am taking a sip of tea. I spit it out all over the table. I have to excuse myself and leave as I cannot stop laughing. I never saw Leon again.

Thank You.

Clive