h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Lately, I have had a sudden urge to commit vandalism. After all, being a teenager, it seems only natural. Let me assure you, however, I am certainly no hooligan, punk, thug, or delinquent by any means. Rather, I have little tolerance for such behaviour. But from what I hear, all teenagers are expected to dabble in some type of at least slightly illegal behaviour at some point or another. So if I actually had any friends, I would probably want to get together and go out in the middle of the night and vandalize Christmas decorations. After all, getting together and committing petty crimes is what friends are for. Or at least I guess, I don't really know. But if I would actually vandalize anything, this would be the perfect time of year to do so, what with all the unprotected Yuletide yard ornaments that are just crying out to be spray painted, stolen, or, in the case of those stupid inflatable snowmen, Santas etc, shot out with a BB gun. Like, seriously, today while I was driving to my grandmother's house, I saw, now listen closely, an inflated nativity scene. (!!!!!!) Come on, people, those chintzy plastic light-up nativity scenes are hideous enough, but inflated??? I always thought the snowmen or Grinches or Homer Simpsons in Santa Suits were dumb enough.

Another Christmas-realated thought: Maybe it's just me, but it seems that the whole Santa Claus thing is getting a bit old. If you want my my opinion, we should elect a new Christmas icon of generosity, magic and Yuletide cheer. My nomination? I'll give his initials and you can guess who I'm thinking of.

S.U.P.E.R.M.A.N.

That's right, Superman, the Man of Steel himself, would, in my opinion, be the perfect Christmas icon. After all, he is the defender of Justice and the American Way, so why shouldn't he also deliver gifts to all the children of the world at Christmas?? I mean, seriously people, Superman is way cooler than Santa. Just look at the statistics:

Does Santa have X-Ray vision?
Is Santa virtually indestructible in every way?
Can Santa fly without the assistance of a sleigh and reindeer?
Can Santa leap over buildings?
Can Santa run hundreds of miles an hour?
Does Santa have lungs that are capable of blowing with super human force?
Does Santa have bulging muscles and rock hard abs, giving him super strength?
Can Santa fly into outer space, circle the earth at such a speed that it temporarily causes the earth change its direction of rotation, thus turning back time so he can save loved ones that had just been crushed to death in a car that had been hit by gigantic falling boulders?

The answer to all of those questions is, of course, a resounding "No". The only real power Santa has is superhuman eating capabilities. Also, he apparently smokes like, four packs of Luckys a day, so that definitely makes him a poor role model for children. I rest my case, ladies and gentlemen of the jury.

PS: A non-Christmas-related thought: If aliens ever invade Earth with un-peaceful intentions, they are gonna Screw. Us. Up. Like, seriously, they will almost certainly have far superior weapons, and will probably be generally invincible. I mean, even if they are like inbred Space Rednecks, with a beat up, rusty spaceship (think the car in 'Dukes of Hazard') with fuzzy dice and racy bumper stickers, Planet Zorgon confederate flag and old Space Shotguns and Space Shovels, they will still have no problem beating the crap out of/harvesting/enslaving us. Pretty scary when you think about it.