h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

If I had a super power, it would be X-ray vision. Not only to look through women's clothing, but to see inside candy when someone offers me something out of a box of chocolates. That way, I can pick a chocolate with something really delicious in the middle, and won't end up having to eat something nasty like coconut or almond or maple cream. As someone once said, "My mama always said life is like a box of chocolates, you never know whatcha gonna get." With X-ray vision, not anymore.

Also, it would be awesome if I can do that thing like Darth Vader, when he chokes people with The Force. Then I could a) intimidate store clerks so they will give me a discount even if my coupon has expired and b) to entertain myself by choking people sitting across the room.

Green is overrated. Everyone is like, "Oh, green is my favourite colour! Green looks good with everything!" Well, shut up, people. Green isn't as great as what people like to think. You know what's a great colour? Blue.

Also, the song 'Amazing Grace' is overrated. Everyone one is like, "Oh! 'Amazing Grace' is my favourite song! It's so moving, and I start crying whenever I hear it!" Well, shut up, people, it's not that great a song. You know what's a cool song? 'Secret Agent Man'.

You know what really annoys me? That, like, 20 minute intrumental bit in 'Light My Fire' by The Doors. I mean, it's an awesome song, but it's way too long.

William Shakespeare is a talentless hack.

I've decided, with possible exceptions if it's something of really particular interest, to not watch any more movies from before 1960. I hate really old movies. They're pretty much all badly acted and written, and they're always exactly the same. Also, they never have any bad words in them.

The most important quality to look for when you're shopping for a boat is to make sure that the boat floats. Because if you shell out several thousand bucks for a boat and it ends up not floating properly, you're kind of screwed, because floating is kind of an integral part of the boating experience. After all, was it not Oscar Wilde who once said, "If a boat doesn't float, then it's just a car. Except a car without wheels. Which is equally as useless, so I guess my witty saying doesn't really make much sense. Also, have cars even been invented yet? Christ, I've had too much to drink."

I've decided to stop combing my hair. Combing is for the weak and foolish.

I can't believe how fat Elton John has gotten.

http://snarfd.com/2007/12/19/santa-smokes-lucky-strike/

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c178/timjohenez/bear/sign-youcannotpass.jpg

Look here, boy: you have problems, right?

Yes.