h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

26November2004
Most people spend Thanksgiving paying homage to that which they are grateful for. Purely by coincidence, I have spent it sending out messages related to things I am ungrateful for. I have spent Thanksgiving getting caught up visiting with friends, reading books and comics, eating lots of turkey, and finally earlier today the opportunity to catch up on my "hate mail" presented itself. Evidently, I've let me rage against SEARS simmer for too long, and don't have it in me to send them their letter--they got bought by K-Mart anyway, so I feel somehow vindicated. Anyway, here are the other pieces of mail that went out today.
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Subject: Thanks for Ruining the DCI World Finals

“Dear WMFE”,

The subject line says it all, doesn’t it?

This is the first year I’ve missed attending the DCI Quarter Finals since 1992. Since I couldn’t attend, back in August I started watching for when “Summer Music Games” would air this year so I could watch. In particular, I wanted to see The Cadets performance of “Songs from the Wood”, part of their “Living with the Past” performance.

Well, thanks to you I missed it. I called to complain and got “Out of Office” voicemail, stating that “the important thing was not the quality of the show I watched, but rather the imprint that what I watched has left on me.”

From the show I watched just now, the quality is obviously the LAST concern of the crew for this show. “The imprint” I am left with is your group is a bunch of half-wits who don’t genuinely care about broadcasting Drum Corp International. You would rather do a hackneyed, ham-fisted job where no performance was left to run the way it was intended.

Here’s what I don’t understand: Your show aired for a minimum of 90 minutes, and you stated that you would be showing the TOP SIX Corps, plus highlights from the others. The maximum length of a show is twelve minutes, which means you COULD HAVE aired ALL of the top six performances and had 18 minutes left over for all the other crap you preferred to show.

YES, we know it’s hard work. YES we know they live on buses for months at a time. “But that 11 minutes makes it all worth it.” NO ONE WATCHING YOUR SHOW HAS ANY IDEA IF IT’S ALL WORTH IT BECAUSE YOU EDITED EVERY SINGLE PERFORMANCE.

These kids are the top precision marching and performing bands IN THE WORLD and you STILL couldn’t allow it to air without messing it up.

PBS has gone to great lengths to point out they only bought the show, and aren’t responsible for the content—a wise move in my opinion.

Hopefully, this is just one of MANY messages you receive from people who are agitated that you screwed up what could have been an excellent show.

I will NEVER watch this, or any other show produced by WMFE in my lifetime if I can help it. I strongly suspect WMFE stands for “We Must Frickin’ Edit EVERYTHING”

Dumbasses. God, I hope you realize what a disservice you have done to music in general and Drum Corp International specifically. Burn in hell.

Sincerely,
Nullmuse
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Subject: REMOVE

Dear "Sam Ash",

Friday, October 22nd, 2004 I walked in to your store at 8:10pm and perused the available stands that might work with my drum set. I found the item for $109 plus tax (exactly the same price I've found elsewhere, despite the "30% off sale: originally $160" tag on the item.) After being unable to find an available clerk, I checked out cymbals and other drum hardware.

There was a clerk in the percussion area who assured me he would be "right with me". At least three times during my wait, I listened to customers with a larger order "haggle" with the clerk, who assured them that "since they had talked to the Big Guy, The Manager" the stated price was absolutely as low as he could go.

I ended up waiting approximately 45 minutes for help and did not get any. Eventually I left the percussion section and asked staff at your front counter if someone could help me. When I was asked "help with what", I expressly stated the part numbers and prices of the items I wished to purchase, and that I had been waiting patiently for at least 30 minutes. I presumed that they might be able to process my order. I now realize that I had done their entire job with the exception of ringing up the sale and retrieving the items from your storeroom.

Your staff picked up a phone, and summoned another staff member to help.

During this period, my wife realized I was frustrated and asked me to calm down and admire a display of saxophones nearby, to which I replied, "I'm upset because I want to spend $200, I know exactly what I want, and can't get helped." Again, I had patiently tried for 45 minutes to purchase items without arguing the price, with a clear idea of what I wanted before I ever walked in the store, and on at least two occasions clearly stating your own product numbers and prices for those items.

It appears I am not the consumer Sam Ash Music caters to. I should have found a clerk and said, "This stand says its $109....is that the best you can do??? Maybe you could get a manager to see if you can go lower so I can be bothered to purchase it." Maybe I should have offered an exchange of goods or services instead of expressing my desire to pay in cash outright for the items. By clearly stating the items I wanted and refusing to barter on price, it seems that I indicated to your staff that I'm "not much of a challenge", and therefore not worth the time and trouble they are being paid for to assist.

Eventually, I finally decided that it was not worth my time to convince you to sell percussion equipment to me; it is painfully obvious that my business is not worth your time. Perhaps some staff training in customer assistance might be in order?

Upon my return home I ordered $262.93 of items from Musician's Friend. By now, the amount of time involved in writing this letter to state my dissatisfaction with your store far outweighs the total time it would have taken to fill my order by a helpful salesperson. (Judging by the help I received at Musician’s Friend, a grand total of eight (8) minutes.)

During our lengthy wait, my wife stated that she liked the nearby Guitar Center much better than Sam Ash. We stopped there first, but they did not have the items in stock that I wanted. Other than your store’s abysmal service, when I asked her why, her exact words were that "The people in Guitar Center were cool. Both the customers and the staff seemed more knowledgeable, more respectful of the products, and genuinely interested in music in varying degrees. It was well-lit, clean, and the items were well cared for." And when I asked about Sam Ash, she compared it to a “dingy musical Wal-Mart.” There were very few customers in your store and most of them looked like they didn’t know what they were doing. They were showing little respect for the products with no intervention from any Sam Ash staff members. Your store has a uninviting atmosphere, your products were dirty and uncared for, and there were several unattended children running around.

I have absolutely NO interest in doing business with your store. At some point in the future, I might sustain contusions to the head and become comatose, at which time I pray I won’t be tricked into spending money in your store, but on a lighter note I might then consider submitting my resume to become a staff member.

Sincerely,
Nullmuse