h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

22NOV2004

UNSOLICITED RELATIONSHIP ADVICE:
I am not the best person to give relationship advice. That said, it seems like I frequently have to repeat the few small nuggets of wisdom I DO have on the subject. I have decided that I will post it here for posterity. It will save me the trouble of having to continually repeat myself, and it also means -- HA! you came to me! How can I be butting in if YOU came to MY webpage?? Don't say you weren't warned!!!

SO: for years, all my relationships ended badly. I spent most of my time in relationships tying myself in knots trying to make the other person happy, and ultimately they would either: a) break my heart and leave, b)cheat, break my heart, and leave, or c) steal everything I owned, cheat, break my heart, and leave.

(As an interesting variation, I once had to move out so she could move in with my roommate, but thankfully, she still stole everything I owned, cheated, and broke my heart, so I'm still "batting 1000".)

I spent alot of time dealing with these issues, along with anxiety and depression, in therapy with a series of counselors who all generally proved to be a bit more screwed up than I was/am myself. (Brother, can I get an 'Amen'??) So after the fifth therapist gave me horrible relationship advice, I stopped going to them. Some small span of time later, I had an epiphany listening to the song "The Dream Is Over" by Van Halen. (My wife is tired of hearing about it, which is another good reason to write it down here.) I decided that maybe the whole problem is that I spent all my time trying to make other people happy, when it turned out I wasn't even making MYSELF happy.

So I started doing things "just for me" that I had always wanted to do. I STOPPED asking girls what they wanted to do on dates. Heck, there's no telling how a date might go, but at least I started picking movies and shows -I- wanted to see, so that regardless of how bad the acutal date was, I might still enjoy the evening.

I'm not saying be self-absorbed, but what I AM saying is FORGET ABOUT MEETING SOMEONE! Just stop it. Start doing things you enjoy doing, and when you are having fun and doing things that interest you, you'll start meeting people with similar interests, and dare I say it, even have a thing or two in common with you. You can't make other people happy, so just concentrate on making yourself happy and everything else will fall in line.

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:

That said, I fell in love shortly after and got married to the very next gal. It is my personal, unsolicited, and highly offensive opinion that boys and girls should ALL marry, right off the bat. Being married is like finally getting the Operator's Manual to an entirely different species. The longer I remain married, the more I am inclined to think that men and women are not meant to live together and consider this to be further evidence of the fact that God is a Wacky Prankster.

I wish I could think of some REALLY GOOD examples of what I mean. I will take notes as they occur to me and get back to you, but here are the signs I can point to right off the top of my head.

The End Tables
In our house, we finally have room for the couch and chairs, and they're positioned in a nice little semi-circle near the television. Nothing unusual there. However, flanking the seats are end tables, with lamps on them. Their whole reason for existence is to hold munchies, a lamp, and a book when sitting in the living room.

One evening, I'm sitting in the chair, and I reach over to set my drink in the coaster.

For starters, let's discuss the issue of the coaster. These tables are in my possession now because my mother loved them, and stored them in my dad's workshop until she was certain where they would go in "the new house". Dad likes to drink iced tea from a 32 oz. cup filled with ice, so he can chomp ice for hours on end. When working in his shop, he evidently placed his drink NOT on the workbench, but on these tables below the bench without a coaster. After finding the tables and discovering what dad had done to them, mom declared she didn't want them anymore, they were "all screwed up", and so I staked my claim. The beauty of this is these are wonderful tables with a totally screwed up finish, because dad didn't use a coaster. So I'm thinking if I wanted I could butt out cigarettes on the table top, it's not going to hurt it or make it look any worse. (The ability to butt cigarettes on items has an unhealthy appeal for me, despite the fact that I've quit smoking for over 7 years now. It is still one of my favorite features on my first car.)

Little did I realize that despite the enormous circular rings all over the tables, the wife now insists that I use a coaster on the grounds that we don't want them MORE screwed up. Did I miss something? Wasn't the point of getting them that I didn't HAVE to be good to them?!? Oh well, what do I know?!?

So the other day, I reach over to place my drink on the coaster, and as I pull my hand away it starts to tip over. I reached back and grabbed the drink before it could fall. Then I let go and watch it start to tip again. "Something," I said to myself, "is different here." Finally, I realized there is now a pretty little quilted frou-frou table cover on the table, effectively rendering both tables virtually unusable.

"MAAAAAARRRYY!!" I hollered, and when the wife arrived, asking what I was hollering about, I was like "Look at this." and demonstrated that the drink would no longer sit flat on the table because of her table cloth things. "What the eff is this?" I asked, pointing out that the wrought-iron LAMP will barely stay sitting upright on this cutesy, quilted piece of crap.

"Do you like them? Aren't they pretty?" she asked. "Yeah, pretty effing stupid," I replied, "isn't the whole point of having a table to set shit on it???"

"Yeah, but aren't they cute, and they're all matchy, too." she explained, making me aware that BOTH tables were covered with matching cloth-thingies.

Ultimately, after calmly discussing the issue like the rational adults we are, the conclusion was reached that the sensible thing to do would be to flip the cloth up when I wanted to use the table and then flip it back down when I was done.

Naturally, these days I spend a lot less time sitting on the chair or the couch, and spend a lot more time sitting on the floor, with my drink in a coaster on the carpet, which is slightly LESS comfortable than the chair, but slightly more functional than the table I originally got so I could set my drink on it without a coaster.

I should probably mention I love my wife. She's wonderful. She far better than I deserve, and nicer to me than I deserve, too. The fact is that if being married to her isn't going to work, I honestly don't believe that I could be married to ANYBODY, so I try very hard at my marriage. That said, I have to say that anytime I meet someone who's been married TWICE, I shake my head. Anytime I meet someone on their THIRD marriage, I have to stop and ask them questions.