h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ah yes, the lonely holidays. Statistics show that the most suicides, accidents, etc. occur during this time of year. "It's the most wonderful time of the year!" Whatever, I don't really care much for this season... as if I haven't made it obvious enough.
As an only child, sure, I get all the presents. However, when you don't visit your relatives (even when they live in the same town as you), it gets really lonely and boring on Christmas morning. Not to mention the fact that by the time you get to the jaded-teenager years (unless you're in the naive-teenager years), whatever belief in the good nature of human beings is vaporized. Your belief in Santa Claus (and the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy, etc.) is virtually non-existent (as it should be, otherwise you'd look rather foolish). Not to mention the annoying, repetitive Christmas specials. I mean, come on, I can only see "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" (the original version, not that Godawful piece of cxxp with Jim Carrey in it) and "It's a Wonderful Life" so many times before the sappy, sugary-sweet endings make me want to drink as much egg-nog as possible and then vomit onto the neighbors holiday lights in hopes that it causes a short and starts an electrical fire... but alas, no freakin' egg-nog... Well, the only comfort I have is the winter band concert. Even then, there's all the hassle of rehearsal and practice. Not to mention the mind-numbingly dull Christmas Recital, where I have to endure an hour (though it seems like days on end) of little kids playing the same exact version of "Jingle Bells" or some other annoying Christmas standard. At least at the winter band concert, we get cookies and punch afterward... I even get to hang out with my band-mates and joke about how much we screwed up in a certain measure, or how our director is going to hang us by our ears and strike us with a cattle prod... But at any rate, things get interesting. Not to mention my favorite holiday, New Year's Eve! The one night I actually wish that I was legal drinking age so that I could get away with binging. I really need it too. There's nothing worse than the feeling of being utterly alone and the last of your kind on the one night that people should be getting close, romantically speaking. The one night of year when you absolutely positively must not be alone; you have to be in the arms of your significant other/honey-bunny/sweetheart (or the really cute guy/girl you met that night) and kiss right when the clock strikes midnight. "Happy New Year!" your loving friends/family shout, and you all move in for a group hug, right? Wrong, not in my case. I end up watching Dick Clark for the thirteenth year in a row (out of the fifteen years of my life that I can recall) all by myself. Oh well, all else fails, I'll sneak the bottle of wine my mom was saving into my room and just start killing off brain cells until I can't even remember the name (or even the reason) of (for) the guy who rejected me. Oh well, there's always Valentine's Day... Which I shall save for another extended rant...

Valete,
Jane Esperanza (aka *Erato*, the Muse of Erotic Poetry) Valenz