h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Something happened the other night, that's been making me feel more than a little peturbed. Then, seeing as I was callously laughed at and pointed at and grassed on by Footbacon and the actual event took place while I was here, for all to see anyway, I figured I might as well let you lot share in my latest act of stupid.

I became my mother. I did something that parents do that make teenagers roll their eyes and question how they ever got to live this long being so dumb, and quite rightly too.
I recall spending most of my time doing exactly the same with my own mother, from the age of about 14 right up until she died. Not that she was really dumb ofcourse, just did dumb things. Like I did the other night

I bought a new laptop, and needed to go about getting it hooked up to the t'internet, and as I don't have the funds to shell out for all singing all dancing wifi, it meant, as far as I could make out, unplugging the dinoputer and plugging my laptop into the modem. Simple. Any fool could do it. I called up my providers broadband helpline though, just to make sure. That's what adults do isn't it? Check things. Anyway, with a big sigh (and I could tell he was rolling his eyes too) broadband chappy said "Yes madam, it really is just as simple as unhooking your old pc and plugging the modem into your latop".

So, I dismantled and untangled the myriad of wires and equipment belonging to dinoputer and set them up again in my son's room, so at least he'd be able to still type up word docs etc for his homework. So far, so good. I open the shinyness that is my new laptop, plug her into the mains, go to plug the lead from the modem into the laptop...it doesn't fit. Check the manual again, yup, definitely says 'Modem' with a little arrow pointing to the port at the back of the laptop.

Bowlax! Bloody typical....I have to be the one with the duff flarkin' equipment. Why can't anything just flarkin' work straight away, no hassles....and along those lines the rant continued for a minute or two. I decided to phone broad band support again, I mean, that's what they're there for right, and afterall, it's yet another piece of their shite equipment that's not up to doing the job it's supposed to, yet again.

So, I call. Now, in the past, when I've called the helpline, usually in the wee small hours of the night, after several hours of sending myself demented trying to solve whichever particular problem I'd encountered in trying to get my puter to do what I want it to. Then what normally happens, is...I'm hysterical, and on the brink of tears at the point of calling and the nice man calms me down, and understands that he needs to speak to me in words of no more than one syllable and very slowly when conversing in Geekanese. Then he takes me through each stage 'You do have it plugged into a power socket don't you madam?' until we eventually happen upon the precise problem and then solution. Then we have a nice little chat about insomnia, wish each other goodnight. Everybody happy.

The other night was an altogether different experience. First of all the guy I get to speak with has a very thick accent and speaks at a rate of several knots per second using 'advanced computer speak for ubergeeks and Stephen Hawking', making him completely unintelligble. I stop him after about 10 minutes and say "I'm sorry, I haven't the first idea of what the hell you're talking about, secondly, could you at least slow down to jibberish speed, thirdly, what you're telling me bears absolutely no relation to the query I have. So, we start again, I tell him the modem thingy doesn't fit, he tells me lots of unrelated things culminating in, "You have to buy a USB cable and connect to the modem this way, although we don't approve or support this method, and if anything goes wrong, we won't fix it, because you're using a USB to connect to the internet." "That's a bit bowlax really isn't it?" I suggest. "Can't you get me a modem with wires that fit stuff?" The conversation goes on at length, with me trying to explain the problem I'm having, him not understanding what I'm trying to tell him and me only understanding an average of one out of every 800 words he uses per sentence. Eventually, I get exasperated "Fine! Just forget it, I'll wait til I can afford to get wifi, and seriously consider using another internet provider to do so. Good day to you sir!" "Flarking idiot!" I say after slamming the phone down, only it's a cordless phone, so I didn't so much slam it down as push the 'end call' button in an aggressive manner.

So, all the gear and gubbins for dinoputer gets disassembled and transported back into the living room and reassembled again. I log on to speak with Footie and am having a good old rant about ineffectual, stupid helpline people with the manual for my laptop open in front of me. It's only then I notice that the port I was attempting to plug the modem into was for a 'telephone connection', in fairness, it wasn't terribly clear at first several glances. I also happen to glance over at the opposite page and see the words 'ethernet' with a nice little picture pointing to various ports and doodahs on the other side of my laptop.

My chagrin is immeasurable. I was never this person before. I'd get a new piece of kit, flick through the manual then go about working stuff out and how stuff worked by myself, confidently, adeptly and always, always with success. (Except for the stuff I broke, obviously.) It would have had to have been one iced up day in hell before I'd even consider calling a helpline...back in the day.

I was reminded of all the instances when I'd try to explain various bits of the latest technology to my mum, "Oh for God's sake mum, just turn the cassette over and put it back in and then you'll get to hear the *second* side of the tape. How hard is that? Look! It even has what you're supposed to do written on the bloody buttons you have to press. Jesus!"

Anyone care for a link to the aforementioned rant?

I'm glad you posted this journal entry. Not only do I have another chance to point and laugh, I can also rummage through old journal entries again.

oh dear...

you sure its your age and you haven't turned blonde?

'snigger'

I tell you, Bojangles, it's not your fault. Somebody gave you testosterone in high doses. We all know that men NEVER read instruction manuals.

You know, the first time I tried to plug an ethernet cable into a computer I did exactly the same thing. I studied computing at college too

I diodn't find the plug-ins in my laptop, they were cunningly hidden behind a black blend in a black background.

Typical! See B'Elana and fords have the right idea, 'there theres' and 'apportioning blame elsewhere' is what's required, not 'ooh, let's see what other mental things you've done that we can laugh at' or blonde jibes. Blonde indeed! How very dare you

>> I studied computing at college too<<
*adds fords to list of people to pester every other hour on computer matters*
I have Footie on the list, but she just tells me to give the computer a sandwich no matter what's wrong with it.

"she just tells me to give the computer a sandwich no matter what's wrong with it" I'd normally recommend kicking it or threatening to pour Irn Bru into the hard drive...

*makes a note of Irn bru*

Never thought of that, but it is now safely on my list of 'search and rescue' methods

As for the Jangly lady... cabbage and wee, m'dear, cabbage and wee

*thansk the good 'man' upstairs for the good sense in making Jangly's brain rot at 40, too*

Wilma





Oh, and *there*there* It's all the minkey's fault























for your life, Wilma!

And what's wrong with using a sandwich to try to solve your computer ails?

If there's not enough mayo on it to fix the flip flap, you can console yourself by munching it yourself.

Irn Bru I thought that was too orangey for CPU's

Ah, kicking. Kicking's good, except for the dents, and the air vent ending up *inside* the cpu. Still, it definitely behaved a little better afterwards

Cabbages n' wee yer arse!

I had a feeling it might be the mayo, it was reduced fat afterall.

I'm actually not too bad at solving small techincal probs but making blonde jibes is much more fun

*adds Serephina to list of people to pester for insults*

Nice to see you around by the way