h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So, remember how I was saying that I wanted to get the ex out of the house? Well, turns out that in less than 2 weeks, he will be gone for an extended amount of time...he's being deployed to a place that is currently not exactly a good place for Americans to be. Iraq, Afghanistan...I don't know yet.

While I wanted him out of my house, I didn't mean for him to go that far away, or to somewhere bad things could happen. I feel relieved and guilty and upset and all sorts of things...I mean, I don't want to be married to the guy, but I don't want him dead, either.

Oh Dear. I know how you feel. As angry as I am about the whole anullment and remarriage to someone I hate, I find it really difficult to think of something bad happening to my ex. He isn't, of course, in the same position as your's, but still, I know how you feel.

I used to worry about my ex too. Whatever is going now, once you cared deeply about each other and went through some major life events together, so it is perfectly natural to be concerned about them.

It is important for you to move on, regardless of what is happening in their lives, you have your own to think about too. So be selfish if necessary and concentrate on what you know you need to do for your self and D.

Don't weaken and tell yourself that you will wait for his return to deal with it. You must be strong and sort out things now before he goes. It doesn't mean you are cruel or harsh, you are being realistic. It is time to let go. Don't let him talk you into postponing changes otherwise the situation will drag on for months eating away at the rest of your future.

Well, given that he'll be in a combat situation, I've agreed not to sign the final paperwork until his return, since doing so will net money. If anything, it's practical, and frankly, it will mean that I won't have to worry about him paying child support while he's gone. Which will mean I'll be a lot better off financially, and he'll have enough money when he gets out to get his own place without whining or stubborness. For his part, he's agreed in writing that the papers will be signed the first business day after his return, thus ensuring that I'll be okay.

He's not that much of a jerk, and if I do meet someone, they'll just have to understand the practical need to put D first. Basically, I just want to make sure D is going to be okay. I talked it over with a friend, and he assures me it's okay to be ambivalent (I'm glad he's out of my house, not so glad about the how).

Caer, I moved on years ago. Which is why I don't have a problem dating right now, before the paperwork is filed. I'm married on paper...I was divorced more than 2 years ago in my head.

So why didn't he move out years ago? Is he the one not letting go?

If it suits you to sort things out on his return, then that is fine. I must have misread your first posting, I got the impression that there was some reluctance there.

But we each have to do what we feel is right in a given situation and it's only hindsight that tells is if it was the right choice. Often we are, instincts are very powerful things.

"So why didn't he move out years ago? Is he the one not letting go?"

A guy in the military with a degree in art doesn't have all that many job prospects, and for a very long time, I had issues with making D's father homeless. I let him sleep on the couch, hang out, whatever, while I paid the bills and he drank. So basically, yeah he's not letting go. He had a sweet deal going.

"If it suits you to sort things out on his return, then that is fine. I must have misread your first posting, I got the impression that there was some reluctance there."

This is the first time in our marriage where he's actually doing the right thing. Too bad me asking for a divorce precipitated it, and too bad he won't quit drinking. But I'm done, done, done. I feel bad for him going into a war zone, but I'm not going to give him false hope!

"But we each have to do what we feel is right in a given situation and it's only hindsight that tells is if it was the right choice. Often we are, instincts are very powerful things."

When I made the decision to bring things to a head with the issue of our long dead marriage being dead legally, it was the first time in a very long time that I didn't even think to second guess myself. It just feels like this is the right thing to do.

Thanks for all of your support. Now, if I could just get the idea out of my head that the whole warzone/divorce are linked, I'd be fine.