h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It's so strange the way people influence our lives. Grandma's at it again. This time it's in a way that comes as a total surprise to me, and what I do with it is likely to change the course of my everything, one way or another. Though I talk about gaining control, think about it, sometimes even do something about it, I now have some decisions to make.

Apparently I'm coming into an inheritance, not a huge one, but one which if used wisely will be able to open one of the doors that I've imagined in my dreams. I have three big dreams, kinda like pipe dreams, directions I'd like to take but haven't had the werewithall to pursue. So it's been easy to dream without having to take action because it seemed as if it was just too much to actually go for. That ol' lack-o-discipline bugger biting me in the ass again, ya know. And now, well, suddenly I don't have that excuse any more. Right now I'm mind-boggled, as it's totally unexpected.

Damn, this is an uncomfortable situation to be in. I'm grateful, of course. And I can see what an incredible benefit this is going to be for me once I sort out what I want to do. Meanwhile, just this moment while I'm stunned, I'm probably the only person I know who'd get this kinda news and not be totally ecstatic through and through. Because it means I have to shake up my status quo. Not a comfortable thing at all to discover about myself, great adventurer that I am. Humph.

So, three doors. Three dreams. Three opportunities.
Love, Art, Stability.
I want them all, equally. I can place my bet on any one and work to grow the other two out of it. The direction I most lean towards, right now while I'm mind-boggled, is the one that I'm least sure of, that I have the least control over. It's also the one with the greatest potential for return and the greatest potential for chaos.

I have to chant myself into that state I call enlightenment so I can truly see everything I need to see. Whatever I do will be right, just.... damn....

Thank you, Grandma. 40 years old now, I guess it's time for me to start to take things seriously, eh? Tomorrow I'll have a handle on what it means to be financially empowered for the first time in my life, thanks to you and Grandpa. It's just an idea I have to get used to.

Tonight Erin called me, frustrated about some of the obstacles that keep popping up in her life. She half-jokingly said she needs to chant with me because I keep having doors open for me while she keeps getting what she perceives as barriers. Granted, when Providence strikes me it's *really* *really* obvious what it is, but she doesn't seem to get it that her barriers are just Providence being coy with her. I think that's because she has a tendency to need to be in control of things, more than in control of herself. Also, she generally works through situations by pushing against them til she wears them down. I don't think she even notices the good stuff in life unless she's battled it into submission.

I tried to explain to her that it's because she and I chant for different things when we chant for our own lives, that I'm almost exclusively chanting to bring about changes in myself. I couldn't explain it right then, but after thinking on it some, here's how I think it's working.

According to her I do things upside down, or backwards. Well, that's true enough. It's my nature to start with the big picture and have some sorta idea about the details involved, where they fit in, and I make these organizational trees with concepts on top and the branches detailing out as they get lower. I figure if I focus on the big picture the details will fall into place, and that seems to be how it works for me. I'm not as interested in controlling the minutae as she is, because I don't think those little points are as important as she does. They're just a part of something more important, and they only get my peripheral attention. So, since I don't have the same specific demands that she does, maybe it's easier for Providence to mosey in with the obviously wowza tools so I can get on with my end goal, and since I don't try to micromanage the details there's not as much resistance to things which occur.

A couple of weeks ago I had one of those moments of clarity that let me know that what I really need in order to pursue my art, and making some money from my stuff, was to get myself into a position where I'm more in control of my time than I have been. Working the way I do, full time, and barely earning enough to maintain (with juggling) doesn't seem to leave me enough energy to do the things I so desperately want to. So I made a determination that I'd just have to buckle down, with discipline, and DO it for a while so I could put myself in a position where I *can* make better use of my time. I've been trying, too, over the last couple of weeks. Not getting as much accomplished as I'd have *liked* to, but still, making slow headway. And then *POOF*. Now I'll have the money to be able to free up some time for my stuff. And that's awesome! But still, even though that's a detail resolved, it's going to take a great deal of discipline on my part to work steadily and diligently and follow through with my plans. The job is not done, it's just begun. Now on the one hand thing'll be much easier for me, and on the other hand I'll no longer have the excuse I've been giving myself for not gonzoing through with my plan. That's *my* barrier, that I shall have to truly work on changing myself if I want to succeed. I know that, and I know I can do it, too.

I know I can because I've made huge inner changes over the last two years. The way I think about things, and just as importantly, the way I react to things, has completely transformed into something new and far more productive. You CAN teach an old MoG a new trick or two. So, maybe my approach is backwards compared to normal people, but the way I see it, the proof is in the results. I'm getting some incredibly good ones. It's almost August now. This year was compassion and discipline. Compassion is cruising right along, but discipline... it still needs a great deal of attention. I'm getting there, little bit by little bit. Five months left to make it an integral part of my life, a habit.

I've been reading 'Ideas and Opinions--Albert Einstein' during the last week or so, and I'm astounded how much in agreement I am with the things he has to say. It's an odd feeling to read his stuff and find that his thinking is so very like my own. What good company I'm in! It's very validating to realize that I'm not just a lone nutter. Yes, there's hope for me yet.

This one rang very true, from 'Principles of Research'.
>>I believe with Schopenhauer that one of the strongest motives that leads men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one's own ever shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from personal life into the world of objective perception and thought; this desire may be compared with the townsman's irresistible longing to escape from his noisy, cramped surroundings into the silence of high mountains, where the eye ranges freely through the still, pure air and fondly traces out the restful contours apparently built for eternity.

With this negative motive there goes a positive one. Man tries to make for himself in the fashion that suits him best a simplified and intelligible picture of the world; he then tries to some extent to substitute this cosmos of his for the world of experience, and thus to overcome it. This is what the painter, the poet, the speculative philosopher, and the natural scientist do, each in his own fashion. Each makes this cosmos and its construction the pivot of his emotional life, in order to find in this way the peace and security which he cannot find in the narrow whirlpool of personal experience.<<

Last Saturday I asked Blaise if he wants me to come and be with him. He was supposed to give me an answer last night. We talked for about an hour and a half about the pros and cons, the various issues. Damn, it's difficult to stay in dialogue mode when you're so emotionally involved in the situation. I'm fortunate that I've been reading President Ikeda's article 'The Humanism of the Middle Way' the last couple of days. Keeping those principles in mind as we talk has been immensely helpful in keeping me focused on achieving a mutually beneficial resolution rather than solely on what *I* want in this matter. I have extended his 'deadline' to tonight. I wonder what the outcome shall be.

He's worried about how happy I'll be up there in the cold.

He's afraid of screwing up my life by having me give up everything that I have here. That's fair, and I truly appreciate his concern. Fortunately, it's something that I've given great thought to over the months. I'd not have offered if I thought I'd resent him for my decision.

I told him that I want him to think about the 'him' things, that I will manage the 'me' things.

He's worried about losing me as a friend if we can't make things work between us in a partnership. Very reasonable, and not a big concern, I don't think. I've maintained friendships with almost everyone I've had a relationship with. However, practically speaking,though I shall continue to love him and consider him a dear friend, it'll be too painful for me to manage being around him and still get on with my own life if we decide not to move forward with this relationship. I can't be torn any longer with my heart in one place and my life in another. I'm not getting anything accomplished for myself. It's too disruptive and I *know* that if I try to maintain this long distance relationship with my mostly invisible boyfriend I'll be spending too much time and money bouncing back and forth and not focusing on my art. Life is too sparkly during the times I'm with him, and too murky when I'm not. I don't want to feel like a moth beating against a lamp any more.

He's worried about making a committment. Very reasonable, and that's not something I can help him to figure out. After three failed marriages he sees himself as a poor risk. I told him that he has to figure out whether he's willing to make changes in himself this time, so he doesn't get the same results he has in the past. That's something he'll be thnking on today.

He likes being able to come and go as he pleases, without having to answer to anyone. Me too. That's something we'll have to take great care of, to maintain that balance between mutual respect and trust in each other while owning the freedom to be able to do what we as individuals want to do. I think we can do that. I'm not interested in being a limitation in his life, would far rather function as an expansion tool. I want him to be that way with me, too. I look at this sorta merger as a means for each of us to develop ourselves into being the people that we want to be. We're good that way with each other.

We'll both have to learn to talk about things as they come up, rather than supressing them and letting them fester. He and I both have great aversion to conflict. Things fester and grow bigger and worse that way, and they reach a point of being too tender and painful to address, and it becomes easier to just nurture the pain and forget about the good stuff. I've been making great progress with that aspect of my nature during this involvement with him. I don't know if he'll meet me half way there. If not, I think we're doomed from the start.

I hope we can do this thing. I hope he can open himself to fearless living and pursue his happiness. I'm ready to do it with him, if he is. If not....

If not I must live fearlessly on my own, pursue my own happiness, and have faith that one day I'll meet the right someone who is looking for someone like me to build a better life with.

But damn, Blaise. You've got it all in you if you just decide to let it manifest. I know that. That's what makes this so hard.

Whatever decision he makes for us, I know that it'll be for the best. And I know that, one way or the other, I'll use this pivotal moment to sling myself into making my life excellent.

Nam myoho renge kyo.

Wow. I'll soon be leaving Paradise and going to Heaven, living on a mountain up above the clouds. The light will be different, the colors very different, it'll be coooold and snowy and I'll be pretty isolated. I'm so excited! Though I'm sure this first winter will be difficult at times I'm really glad to be starting with the rough part. When things get too pale for me I'll fly back down to tropical vividness for a few days, revitalize, re-normalize, and go back refreshed to my new home.

This is going to be a great opportunity for Blaise and I to see what we're really like with each other for more than a few days of holiday. I'm very much looking forward to that part. Also, I'll have that chance to work like one posessed on my stuff, with very few distractions. I can dump almost all my energy into making things, which'll be a fabulous experience for me.

So much to do over the two and a half months, but I have a feeling time is gonna swoooosh on by. I can't wait to set out on this new adventure! It's time, after all these years of maintaining my status quo.

Here's a reminder for the tough times, MoGgie.

I'm determined to make some big changes in myself, especially regarding discipline for the remainder of this year, and I'm fully aware that life is gonna throw me plenty of challenges so I can practice imbedding them fully into myself. More than likely I'll be getting opportunities to polish my compassion, too, since that was the other half of my 2003 goal. In choosing to go up on that mountain with Blaise and devote myself to my art I figure I'll have plenty of internal reactions to work with.

Visualization:

My visualization ties in with my Buddhist practice, though one needn't be Buddhist to try it. Also I chant nam myoho renge kyo while I'm doing this exersize. I've read that chanting can alter the brain waves, and it's like an internal massage as you feel the vibrations of the words cycle from deep in your belly up through your head and around again. I've made a little ritual for myself with a particular incense and candle to help trigger that part of my mind that is capable of choosing to overcome depression, frustration, anger and despair.

I picture myself with a white light like the sun in the center of me, which is happiness. That white light has a bunch of individually colored, translucent, moving extensions that come out of my body. The dull black extension is absolute despair, the throbbing red one is anger, the blue is tranquility, the chartreuse one is compassion/love, the golden-rosy is learning, the violet is hunger/greed.... you get the idea. They represent the emotions that change and motivate us throughout the course of the day. Whichever one I'm immersed in at the moment is much bigger than the others, kinda tints the whole mental atmosphere. I envision that particular mental moment and then I picture myself using my hands to gather up the overflow of color from the surroundings and I smoothe it back into its extension. Once the air is cleared I imagine myself gently stroking the extension that's still too swollen back towards the white light in myself so the excess will be absorbed into a state of balance. After that's done I reach into the white stuff and bring some out and sparkle it over me and in the air around me, and then I start thinking about what action I need to take, or what changes I need to make in myself to transform the stimulus that I allowed to tweak me into emotional overload into something beneficial for my life. I generally come out of that with some kinda answer.

From a letter to Erin, which'll apply equally to my incoming change of circumstances:

Your first sentence >>I am feeling okay. Nothing spectacular. Kinda like I feel okay, but don't want to assume I am okay... << is crucial, I think, and indicative of the core issue you're dealing with right now. You've lived with an uncomfortable comfort zone of not allowing yourself to be happy or empowered as a result of external events which you feel overwhelmed by. That's a habit, and it's totally normal. Isn't that what karma really means? A system of habits, reactions, pre-programmed paths which we follow in response to certain types of stimuli? So changing your karma then becomes something very attainable, rather than huge and mystical and nebulous if you just decide to try something new and different in response to the same old stuff. You can't change the past, or the things that made you the way you are now, but you are fully capable of changing the way you will be from now on, starting with today, as long as you approach each little opportunity to slip into that worn out rut with courage and a sense of new direction. Arm yourself with a mental machete and start whacking through the weeds to make yourself a road that'll lead you to where you want to go.

Actually, I kinda like that visualization... to be at a place in the wilderness with that ol' water trail that leads to a stagnant, stinky pond, and to smell some fresh, running water out there somewhere. So you use your handy-dandy divining rod (your inner Buddha, your big goals of principle) to point you in the right direction, even though you can't necessarily see the stream, and start whacking your way through the shrubs and weeds. The further you get from that ol' rut, the more difficult it'll be to make your way back to it because you've already moved. Ya know? Meanwhile, on your new path to fresh water, it'll rain, and there'll be dew and you'll run across unexpected points of sustenance because myoho *will* do it's thing, whether you've planned it all out or not.

_____________________________________________________________

I already know that I'm going to have to battle my habits of laziness and being easily distracted and not accomplishing the goals I set for myself in a structured manner and time frame. I know that I'm probably going to be affected by the cold and monochrome that's going to be an essential part of the new home I'm choosing this winter. I shall have to be diligent to draw out the warmth and vibrant color that's in my head, rather than curl up and mentally shiver or constantly escape to Paradise for a vividness fix.

I already know how Blaise is... that he tends to lose appreciation for the things he has, once he has them. I know that he is thick-headed about doing things a different way, even though he knows that it makes sense to do them differently. I know that I can't change him, that any change he makes in himself will be his own decision, in his own time, and in his own direction. I know too that I'm going to be frustrated by those things, and that I shall have to focus on making *all* of my circumstances work towards my benefit, rather than distract myself by obsessing on how much better things could be if *he* would just relax a little.

Ultimately, I am making this move to develop myself into the person I want to be. My bottom-line motivation is extremely selfish, though that doesn't mean I intend to approach the challenges selfishly. I feel confident that both he and I shall benefit greatly from our time together, and I hope that we shall individually gain enough of the right things that it'll be a no-brainer when it comes time to decide whether we want to stay together or go our seperate ways.

Nam myoho renge kyo.

Sorry just doesn't cut it.

After several days of not hearing from Blaise, worrying my ass off that something has happened to him, becoming increasingly furious because I realize that it's totally within his possibilities for him to just take a powder for a while and not even bother to let me know what's up, meanwhile freaking out because here I am in the process of totally shaking up my life to go be with him....

Well. He just called. He said he had things on his mind. He said he's sorry I was worried. HAH! He doesn't want to discuss it right now. I asked him if I should continue with the process of arranging to move, or if I should terminate that before I totally f**k up my life. He said I should change plans. Fine. At least I know before I notified the apartment management that I was going to be leaving.

I do not know what's going on in his head. In a way, though I'm curious, I don't care much, either. Basically, I guess I just can't let his confusion affect my life that way. I'm angry. I'm heartbroken. I'm relieved that it's played itself out before I went up there and had to deal with the disappointment on top of wasting thousands of dollars to find out what I've just found out.

One thing is pretty certain. When he decides he misses me, and when he decides that just maybe he's made a mistake... well, yeah. He did. A big one. And when/if that happens I need to remember that I'm done.

I'm done with the worrying, done with the not knowing, done with placing my emotional stability in the hands of a man who apparently isn't capable of consistently knowing his own mind from one week to the next. I need to get on with my own life now. And I need to remember that he's pulled this kinda foolishness before and will almost certainly continue to do so.

He's right. Words don't matter to him. HAH! Haven't I written that down in here somewhere before? So remember, Britta.... if he decides to call and say I love you.... that's only a temporary thing. Obviously it doesn't mean the same thing to him that it means to me.

I'm over this bullshit. Uff da.

This is a very strange time for me. I'm not pissed at Blaise, which is a huge surprise. I guess I'm just truly over the whole thing... the emotional turmoil, the high hopes soon to be dashed, the whole mess. And it's not in a bad way, either. I still feel as if he's my friend, just not one I want to see anytime too soon. Perhaps I've put the whole emotional aspect on hold. Perhaps not, as I've been through the same sort of thing with him, granted, on smaller scales, several times before. I guess I'm tired of it, and not overly surprised.

So, moving on. I thought about the things I was looking forward to, the things I'd been making myself look forward to as an exchange for giving up my full-time residence in Paradise.

Pursuing my art. Well, I'll still do that, though I will still work 3-4 days weekly so's not to spend everything that's so surprisingly come to me on maintenance. I can even do the mosaicing thing here in my apartment, though I probably won't work on furniture as I don't have much space.

I'm planning to take two weeks off in the middle of October and head north, maybe to North Carolina, definitely through the mountains. I want to see the trees change colors with the season, shiver to the crispness of fall in the air, wear a sweatshirt two days in a row and smell last night's woodsmoke in it. I want a slow and gentle mosey, take loads of pics, stay in state parks for the most part (thank god for the truck with topper that's coming my way.... I couldn't have made a better choice!) visit small towns, find out-of-the-way places, get that change of scenery, light and viewpoint that I was so looking forward to. And there's something that feels really right about the idea of taking off by myself, going further at my very own speed and direction, just seeing what happens.

Right now it's strange as I look around me after this past month of looking around me with the knowlege that I was going to be leaving this all behind for a while. I think mentally I've moved on to a different place. Here doesn't have the vibrance that it has always had for me, though I'm sure that's a short-term perception. I'd really geared myself up to a different environment, different challenges, both internal and external. In a way it's going to be harder to surmount my inner challenges than it would have been had I gone to Tibet, mostly because I'll not have the stimulus of so much change. I can do it anyway, though. It'll just take a bit more discipline. Fortunately, I've been working on that, and have made some breakthroughs.

Life's funny. In a drunken moment the other night I pin-pointed the source of all my problems. Planning. That's the problem. Every time I make a beautiful, elegant, efficient plan that takes everything into consideration, along comes something to screw it up. From now on I'm going to avoid plans. No step-by-step, this-then-that kinda plans. I'll still have missions and goals, but no organized, detailed plans. I think they just beg, by their very nature, for Murphy's Law to manifest and wreak havok. Maybe plans work for other people, just like logic works for other people. I suspect I'm far more suited to living my life in a plan-free manner, just as I think in a logic-free, intuitive manner. As long as I already know from the outset where I'll be ending up, the method will take care of itself. And it'll make perfect sense, in retrospect.

Moments ago while soaking in the bath I had a vision of sorts, I guess you'd call it. I saw me, low on the ground, huddled up in a ball. Then I started groping around, crawling and moving and sniffing things, tasting things, looking at my surroundings. I started to go up, first on my knees then on my feet, but still a cramped question mark of a figure, full and fat and squatty, face down, shoulders hunched, knees bent. And then I stretched out my arms, out and up. And my legs went straight and then apart, firmly on the ground. I became leaner and more powerful. I started to sway and move my upper body back and forth, twisting, faster and faster and my hands felt heavy. And then I started to spin like a disco ball and sparkles flew from my hands and out into the other not-me stuff.

I know what that vision means to me. This is a time of transformation, of change. I've been working hard on myself, have figured some things out along the way. For the most part I keep my things to myself, sometimes sharing them with friends like Erin, sometimes popping off with them in other moments, sometimes here. I guess it's time to put them somewhere constructive, somewhere that they'll go out and do what they're meant to do. Funny, a couple of years ago, when I made my profiles on the few puter things I've used, one of my statements was that I add sparkle to people's mundane lives. I'm not too sure what form the sparkles are going to manifest themselves in. I guess they've just incubated long enough now, are ready to start transmitting themselves. What a great adventure this shall be! I wonder what'll come of it.

Tonight we had our book group at Borders, discussing Daisaku Ikeda's 'For the Sake of Peace'. It was a smallish group due to the holiday weekend, but some good points were made. We went over chapter 3, 'The Path of Dialogue and Tolerance. I think the two most important points of the chapter were in these passages:

1)"In the early years of the twentieth century, philosopher Josiah Royce declared that:"Reform, in such matters, must come, if at all, from within....The public as a whole is whatever the processes that occur, for good or evil, in individual minds, may determine."

As Royce points out, the 'invisible arrow' of evil is not to be found in the existence of races and classes external to ourselves but is imbedded in out hearts. The conquest of our own prejudicial thinking, our own attachment to difference, is the necessary precondition for open dialogue. Such discussion, in turn, is essential for the establishment of peace and universal respect for human rights."

2)"I am convinced that we can solve any problem as long as we keep our minds open and stand firm in our belief in our common humanity.

Tolerance is more than just a mental attitude; it must grow out of a sense of larger order and coexistence, a cosmic sensibility that issues up from the deepest wellspring of life. As explained by the Buddhist doctrine of 'dependent origination', no phenomenon in either the human or natural domains arises independently of all others. The cosmos is created through the interrelation and interdependence of all things. Tolerance rooted in a world view of dynamic interdependence can, I believe, be instrumental in enabling us to transcend the threat of a clash of civilizations and to realize a philosophy of coexistence that will permit us to build a world of human harmony."

On point 1: it's so important to recognize that what's called for here is individual growth, not systemic reform. It's the individuals who make up all systems, after all. Each of us must, therefor, strive to take a full and personal responsibility for all of our interactions with all other people, no matter how different they may at first glance appear to be, in culture, idealogy, education and lifestyle before we can truly hope to achieve anything approaching world peace.

I was thinking about what sorts of things all humans have in common, as a starting point to be able to implement this change in myself. Seems to me that all people want a certain amount of security, in their relationships with others, in having their basic needs met, in their financial/property affairs. It's probably safe to say that pretty much everyone does not want their loved ones to die in a war, even if they believe that the war itself is justified. hmmmm.... what else? That's a start, anyway.

Point 2: "Tolerance is more than just a mental attitude". What exactly does that mean? Well, for starters, it means that aside from being a mindset, tolerance must also include action. It must also allow for the possibility of change within our own opinions rather than just attempting to win other people to our own preferred way of thinking. If we can become truly open-minded, genuinely willing to listen to others and incorporate their differing ideas into building a common goal, a world where the practice of mutual benefit is key, then perhaps there's a chance. I shall experiment with this in my personal life and see what happens.

Nam myoho renge kyo.

I'm getting really frustrated with the owners of the company I work for. Yesterday, when I went to the doctor for lab results and was having my blood pressure taken while explaining to the nurse why I had to come in earlier than planned, my blood pressure went waaay up. *sigh* She and the doctor were worried about it. I always have normal/low blood pressure. Always. It makes me wonder if it's worth continuing with my offer to continue employment with GBS. Certainly I don't need that job, and I can make a good bit more money free-lancing, without having to worry about whether someone's going to go ballistic because I'm not available when *they* think I should be.

I wrote a very nice email to the owners on the 10th, explaining that I'll be travelling and am going to pursue another career, but leaving open the option for them to retain me if they feel it would be to their benefit while hiring and training a replacement. I told them what my scheduling needs are throughout the end of October, and said that if my needs are too demanding then I regret that this Saturday must be my last day. I wrote that letter because that afternoon Paul finally told Marla that I was going to be gone for a week after Sep 21. He's known about that for well over a month, and had approved it. Well, according to Paul, Marla's response was that I wasn't going anywhere unless she approved it, and if I *did* go that it would be considered job abandonment.

This is just plain ridiculous, as Paul *told* her 2 or three weeks before that that I was going to be taking a leave of absence, and that he wanted me to stay on part-time. At that time Marla apparently told Paul that she was fine with me going part-time after they'd hired someone else. When I heard that I explained to him that my traveling plans were NOT optional, and that I definitely WOULD NOT continue to work a full 40 hours weekly.

I've been waiting for an answer from them for more than a week now, regarding what they'd like for me to do. No answer. On the 16th Paul told me that Marla had told him there would be no part-time positions available at our store, and that she wanted to know when my last day would be. Paul really wants me to stay on, because we have a good team there, and besides, I'm an awesome salesperson. He was telling me to give them a last day as the end of October, or even later, and that he'd work with my schedule and not involve Marla in that. Well, noooooo way. I'm not about to play those games, and I'm not about to have that shrew fire me for job abandonment, or think that she has the right to tell me how I'm going to spend my time. I'm totally reliable, and will work when I say I will. No more, and frankly, at this point, I really don't give a damn whether she has coverage for the store. They've been promising to hire 2 more people for months now, and nothing happened until the day after I sent the first email, when they were miraculously able to get someone to start the very next day. I have a feeling he's not going to last very long, but that's not going to become *my* problem.

So, right now I *still* don't know if my last day will be the day after tomorrow, or if it'll be mid-October, which was an alternate offer I made, pending approval of my needs. I asked them to respond via email to avoid miscommunication, as Marla doesn't deal with the minions, preferring to deal only with her managers. I like Paul, but he's too much of a manipulator for me to be quite certain that he'll give me an absolutely straight answer, without putting his spin on it.

I'm really wondering if the convenience and ease of working at GBS is worth the irritation. The only good reason I have to stay , in practical terms, is that I have insurance through them. On the other hand, I can sign on with a free-lancing agency, earn a substancially better hourly wage, and tell *them* when and where I'm available to work. Tis the season, starting in October, and I could work just as much as I want to through them, so it's not as if I'll have to worry about the cash flow. The only drawback is that I'd have to drive to Miami or Boca once in a while, and that I'll have to buy my own medical insurance.

Decisions, decisions.

Well, this afternoon I'm going to go into GBS with Erin and bring home all my personal belongings, just in case Marla gets loopy on me. The one thing I'm quite certain of is this: if they try to pull some job abandonment crap out of their hats, in order not to pay me the vacation time and commissions and cash prize I have earned, I'll file for unemployment and go to court to get what I've earned. I've been nothing but up-front with them, all the way. I've kept Paul abreast of all development as soon as I knew what I was planning to do. It's not my fault if he hasn't communicated that effectively to them, and policy has always been that I am to go through my manager rather than communicating directly with the owners.

It's done! When I went in yesterday Paul called Marla to get an answer for us, and she said this Saturday would be my last day. He was terribly upset with that answer, but I felt such a sense of lightness and relief. If I'd realized how good it would feel to be free of that place, or rather, cut loose from Marla's lack of respect for the people who work for her, I think I'd have given final notice 6 weeks ago and would have already picked up my truck and moved on. O well, sometimes it's hard to let the status quo go.

Rather than regret that I stayed through the frustration I'll look at the good side of it: The new guy, Tony, has long been working for the free-lance agency that I was thinking of going on with, and not only is he giving me an excellent recommendation (which will tranaslate into higher starting wages) but he's told me exactly how it works to contract with them. And then yesterday, just as Erin and I were leaving the store, Tony got a call from the account executive for Lancome, asking him if he could recommend anyone qualified to come free-lance directly for them, without going through the agency. He gave her my name, and gave me her phone number. Woooooohooooo! Things are REALLY moving quickly! I'll update my resume and call her today to see what's up.

Though *I* wasn't concerned about getting work when I want to, my mom has been worrying about it, in the way that moms just will. It'll be good to be able to tell her that things are already in place for me to start freelancing when I get back from Kansas, though I need to be really careful not to get toooo caught up in that stuff at the expense of my own plans.

Damn, if this wasn't another instance of Providence striking again.

I did this one all by myself, and it made a great deal of sense. The question was about how to break through this period of inertia which is driving me nuts, as it goes against everything I'd believed about myself.

In the middle was the Politician. That took some thinking on, being that it was in the position of being where the problem lies. I didn't get it at first, until I'd looked several times and then I was struck by the bit that said it's the hypocrite, the part of us that lies to ourselves, the part that's subtly assuming tremendous power because it allows us to be our own greatest detractors, our own greatest enemies. Now *that* made sense. So it's that part I hate to admit in myself, the one that says "you're not good enough", the one that allows me to believe that I don't *really* deserve to be happy, that prevents me doing the things I love because I might just produce something of value. Yeah.

The means toward resolution of my problem was Transformation, which made perfect sense. I need to learn self-acceptance of me as I am, not me as I *ought* to be or as I could be. If I'm going to make the things I like to make I can't do it when I'm doubting myself. It doesn't work. I go passive.

Resolution comes through The Source, which I really liked. I guess I felt happy about that because that Source is just right, like the baby bear bed. Not too hot or cold, not too hard or soft, too long or too short. Just right. And the nice thing is that it's a kinda place that doesn't require any particular feats of intellect, or physical prowess, or creativity, especially. It just is. It's non-exclusive. I can go there, I'm pretty sure. I think I was mostly there while I was blissed out on the first half of my Adventure, just me and my stuff and the sky and trees and critters and world. No people, no judgements, no agendas, no angst.

Hmmm. Hadn't thought of it in quite those terms before. Makes it a terribly attractive idea to just go off on an extended camping trip and not come home, but that's not truly my answer either. Somewhere in the middle is a fulcrum. I think I'll definitely go off on a some kinda retreat into the real world and give myself a brief reprieve from all the stuff of humanity every few months, though. If I can bliss out to that extent on a semi-regular basis, without drugs or other influence besides being just me in the eternal world, wellllll, I'm a very fortunate MoGgie indeed.

Ahhhhh. Tonight! Today! Yummmmmmmmm

The focus at the moment is letting go, setting free all those things which I carry along for whatever reason. I read Louise Hay's Heal Your Body a few weeks back, noticed that all my lil ailments and discomforts are related to holding on to things which are no longer useful. I've been thinking about it. So, as an experiment I decided to try letting go. Obviously, visibly, my apartment is crammed with stuff.... stuff which I've held onto, just in case it might come in handy, stuff which I *know* I'll never use again, but am keeping because I spent money on it and didn't take proper care of, and now it's basically useless, but guilt keeps it stuffed in a nook somewhere. So. Letting go, part 1: Every day I go through something... a closet, cabinet, drawewr or shelf (I'm an amazingly efficient packrat) and carry the crap to the dumpster. That's the obvious, immediate physical manifestation of this phase. Feels good!

Now, this is a symbol of other things... subtle and not-so-subtle things going on in my life right now. I've been gaining weight at an outrageous rate, and it's not purely due to poor diet. So, one part of this experiment is to see if I can start to drop the need to stuff myself with crap, which is a relatively new need. So far, so good. I've developed this new interest in cooking actual meals for myself. The idea! The garden helps, naturally. With all the fresh herbs and tomatos and peppers it's easy to find creative ways of using my daily crop. My mom now teases me that I'll soon be wanting to move to Kansas and have 40 acres, like my Dad's dream. HARDLY!

Emotionally, well.... I just dunno what I'm dropping, but it's going away in a steady dribble. I feel lighter. I guess that's the part I don't need to analyse too much. I'm starting to feel the energy I was missing for all these years. Maybe I'm just creating space for it again. I dunno.

Tonight. Went to Stephen's to chant with the gay/bi/lesbian group for the first time, as I want to introduce Scottie to them when he's here next month. Stephen has changed his whole house in anticipation of selling, and we chanted in the 'Moroccan Room'. Que linda! I felt like a pasha So, after an hour and a half of really powerful chanting (my voice hurt, my mind was empty/full, and my ears were sooooo full of the sound!) I came home, opened the door, and there was the sound of Nestor Torres with the visual memory of him channeling that fabulous song through himself! WOOOOOOW! I walked in , cranked the volume and started to dance. Bellydance, salsa, meringue, brittonian ballet.... the whole nine yards. WOOOOOOHOOOOO!I've felt no urge to do that for at least two years, and my poor aching (middle-aged Ach!) body wasn't even considering it again in this lifetime. But there ya go! And there I went! Twirling and twining and fluttering and cha-chaing to my heart's delight! My life was on air. I shook the pops and bubbles and crinks out of my joints, felt alive in my fingertips and toes and *gasp* felt supple for the first time in ages. MUCH better than yoga! THANK YOU NESTOR! You sent it right into me, and I sent it right out into my garden. I can smell the fragrance of all my flowers wafting through my apartment now, telling me they feel goooooood, just like me.

Ahhhhh. Tonight! Today! Yummmmmmmmm

The focus at the moment is letting go, setting free all those things which I carry along for whatever reason. I read Louise Hay's Heal Your Body a few weeks back, noticed that all my lil ailments and discomforts are related to holding on to things which are no longer useful. I've been thinking about it. So, as an experiment I decided to try letting go. Obviously, visibly, my apartment is crammed to the hilt with stuff.... stuff which I've held onto, just in case it might come in handy, stuff which I *know* I'll never use again, but am keeping because I spent money on it and didn't take proper care of, and now it's basically useless, but guilt keeps it stuffed in a nook somewhere. So. Letting go, part 1: Every day I go through something... a closet, cabinet, drawewr or shelf (I'm an amazingly efficient packrat) and carry the crap to the dumpster. That's the obvious, immediate physical manifestation of this phase. Feels good!

Now, this is a symbol of other things... subtle and not-so-subtle things going on in my life right now. I've been gaining weight at an outrageous rate, and it's not purely due to poor diet. So, one part of this experiment is to see if I can start to drop the need to stuff myself with crap, which is a relatively new need. So far, so good. I've developed this new interest in cooking actual meals for myself. The idea! The garden helps, naturally. With all the fresh herbs and tomatos and peppers it's easy to find creative ways of using my daily crop. My mom now teases me that I'll soon be wanting to move to Kansas and have 40 acres, like my Dad's dream. HARDLY!

Emotionally, well.... I just dunno what I'm dropping, but it's going away in a steady dribble. I feel lighter. I guess that's the part I don't need to analyse too much. I'm starting to feel the energy I was missing for all these years. Maybe I'm just creating space for it again. I dunno.

Tonight. Went to Stephen's to chant with the gay/bi/lesbian group for the first time, as I want to introduce Scottie to them when he's here next month. Stephen has changed his whole house in anticipation of selling, and we chanted in the 'Moroccan Room'. Que linda! I felt like a pasha So, after an hour and a half of really powerful chanting (my voice hurt, my mind was empty/full, and my ears were sooooo full of the sound!) I came home, opened the door, and there was the sound of Nestor Torres with the visual memory of him channeling that fabulous song through himself! WOOOOOOW! I walked in , cranked the volume and started to dance. Bellydance, salsa, meringue, brittonian ballet.... the whole nine yards. WOOOOOOHOOOOO!I've felt no urge to do that for at least two years, and my poor aching (middle-aged Ach!) body wasn't even considering it again in this lifetime. But there ya go! And there I went! Twirling and twining and fluttering and cha-chaing to my heart's delight! My life was on air. I shook the pops and bubbles and crinks out of my joints, felt alive in my fingertips and toes and *gasp* felt supple for the first time in ages. MUCH better than yoga! THANK YOU NESTOR! You sent it right into me, and I sent it right out into my garden. I can smell the fragrance of all my flowers wafting through my apartment now, telling me they feel goooooood, just like me.

It's time to reopen this journal again, keep some of the special things here so I don't forget and lose them.

Everything has been so good for such a long time now, and I'm quite happy to keep it that way. It seems that my biggest battles are still with caterpillars, have to check Ben's star flower daily to make sure it's not being devoured. When that's the greatest consistent external battle in your life I'd say you're pretty fortunate. And I am!

Recently I've had a wonderful windfall, too. A friend who gets loads of free tickets to shows has added me to his list of people to invite, so during the past week I've been to three shows. First was Les Ballets Trockadero de Monte Carlo, which was great fun! It's a troupe of male ballerinas spoofing The Dance. They had me laughing my butt off the whole time. I *loved* the vision of those guys in their sparkly, satiny tutus, with chest hair coyly peeping out where you'd expect to find a bit of cleavage. It brought back my childhood wish for a tutu, too. Not that I'd actually *wear* one, even if I had it. Would be waaaay to reminiscent of the dancing hippos in Fantasia. But the dream was good enough. Afterwards we all went out for dinner on Lincoln Road, which was a lovely treat. Marcelo, Erin and I were stuck in dying swan mode all evening, pathetically fluttering our broken wings as we wandered around South Beach. Nobody paid us any attention, which is one of the joys of South Beach.

Next was the Flamenco Festival USA, starring Sara Baras. I'd never seen Flamenco performed that way, with a whole troupe working together. I was astounded at the way they moved, hands, legs and feet a total blur at times. I hadn't realized that the dancing itself was percussive accompaniment to the musicians, and that was cool. I got such a kick out of the macho posturing of the male dancers, and the way the females were such exquisite bitches with their domineering come hither/get away attitudes. The costumes and lighting were brilliant. I'm now coveting one of those big, beautiful flamenco shawls with the long fringe. *That* I would definitely wear, if I had one. I didn't especially love the singing, as it sounded like a lament to me. I guess my taste just doesn't lean towards that overblown-stylized passion, but I really enjoyed the rest of the show. Afterwards a whole gang of us went to a little Argentine coffeeshop, munched on divine, super-sweet pastries, and stayed out waaaaay too late. Emmy and I were having a great time doing our own rendition of flamenco. I think if I took that up my hips would shrink dramatically. It's exhausting to even *play* at it for a couple of minutes, much less imagine doing it with skill for any amount of time.

Tonight Jeff and I went to see the Peking Acrobats, and I'm all revved up. It was something else, the total control, flexibility and balance those performers had. I haven't been to a circus or anything even remotely resembling that show since I was a little kid, and it took me right back. I loved the colorful costumes, and the way they managed to move. The flags and streamers and dragons were awesome, and the Chinese music added just the right bizarre atmosphere to the whole thing. It was kinda inhuman looking at times, the way they climbed up ropes and poles like speedy monkeys. I think my three favorite parts were the woman who balanced candleabras on her head, hands and feet, and she was meanwhile doing all sorts of contortions, kinda like a flaming,dancing yogi. Then there was the guy who stacked chairs. He started with a table and four pointed objects, then just kept stacking and balancing chairs til he was almost to the ceiling. He must have had ten or twelve chairs going on, and once he reached the top he started doing acrobatics up there! He was leaning the top chair, and then doing handstands and other balancing moves up there, finally leaned himself out over the edge of the whole thing and held himself up with one arm! He made it look so smoothe and easy, too. I was holding my breath, hoping it wouldn't wobble. I also loved the plate twirlers because that was just etherial, all those discs spinning on long, slender stems while they danced and somersaulted and moved around. It looked like exhalted flowers from another world on acid. This show inspired me to try to learn some balancing tricks, which would be really good for me to develop. I'm going to buy a light-weight, plastic garbage can to start and see if I can learn to balance and spin it with my feet. It'll be good exercise and will keep me focused. I don't think I'll get bored learning to do that, and I'll not get hurt if it falls on me. I also want to learn to balance a silk fan on my nose or forehead, and eventually, once I've got that down pat, twirl some silken streamers at the same time. That would be a fun party trick, and it's never too late to learn to be graceful. Wooooohoooooo! One day I *might* even run away and join the circus!

It's divine to be able to go and see these shows. I enjoy them so much, and it's not something I can usually fit into my budget. I'm loving playing the role of civilized wench, as I'm generally very laid-back and casual, hermiting, or swamp-womaning out in the woods and glades. It's great fun to have a reason (besides work) to dress up and be sparkly for a while. I've missed that more than I'd realized. I *think* Odetta Flambeaux might be coming out of the closet.