h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*On tonite's extra special 'It's Nights Show, we have a true legend, ladies and gentlemen!* (Winks into camera 4) …*but especially ladies!*

*One time rising star in the English soccer scene, movie legend, Undead Rights activist, do his talents ever end?
Obviously not! Not content with all this, our special guest tonight now adds platinum selling album rock star to his resume!
Please welcome the one, the only, the rock God that is - Henry "Hellboy' Letterbox!*

Crowd goes wild as music booms and a leather-clad, guitar wielding , Letterbox enters the studio stage and bows theatrically.

Henry shakes hands with the host then rubs his palms with exaggerated glee at the platter of hot buttered crumpets on the table next to his chair.

*May I? *

*Please do! *

Henry bites into the crumpet, butter dribbles down his beard, *Not bad Joe, not bleedin bad at all! *

*it's James, thanks, now, before we get into the music, and the new look….doesn't he look cool girls?* James gestures to the hopelessly out of date looking rocker and the females (and quite a few males) scream and whistle.

*Just give us a brief insight into the latest movie...no spoilers…* Audience follow autocue prompts and make necessary sounds of disappointment.

*I like to think it's just a good old bleeding romance story Joe,*

*It's James!*

*Boy meets girl, boy turns out to be a guitar playing biker vamp, girl gets bitten...twice..* Henry waits for the laughter and applause at his clever nod to his biggest vampire movie, *Boy goes too bleeding far...we've all been there... haven't we guys?*

Uncomfortable male coughs in the predominantly female LA audience.

*Boy kills girl….but..* He smiles that famous boyish smile, *Boy makes a deal with the bleeding devil to get her back, if he can get to Hell on his bike faster than bleeding Lucifer in his 58 Chevy!*

Audience cheer as screen brightens to show promo clip of Hell on a G String. Surreal car chase through Hell, Letterbox pushing his Triumph to the very limits, whilst the devil tries to force him off the lava-strewn highway.

*Wow, stay right there folks, coming up, a special world exclusive live performance from Henry and his band, back after these important messages, don't go anywhere!*

Very exciting!

Why a '58 Chevy? Asks a fan of '57 models...

Impala. Had to be hard top two door model. The devil's in the details

Or are you talking trucks?

Nope, cars. I spent most of my childhood riding around in a '57 Chevy Bel Air. My mom spent about a dozen years driving this miraculous workhorse of a vehicle - including the time she packed 17 giggling children into it, with instructions for some of them to hide on the floor because this was totally illegal. One day, though, she and the Chevy reached their limit - outdone by a steep turn at a rural Pennsylvania intersection. The kind where you have to turn more than 90 degrees while going uphill...the tie rod broke. We had to be towed home.

My dad sold the car to a teenager for a 'hot rod', and bought an equally large, but frankly boring, Plymouth Fury II.

http://www.vintagemotorssarasota.com/listing/1957-chevrolet-bel-air-hardtop/

Bleeding hairpin bends! My condolences.

Part 2.

*Welcome back. Henry, movie looks good my friend, as we'd all expect from you by now….* Leans in and touches the gleaming guitar, *Fans may recognise this beauty, In Like Finn?*

*Yeah John… *

*James*

*Whatever, yeah, to be perfectly bleedin honest, I hated the thing on set. Hated practicing the finger thing, hated all the horse milk and it took me a while to master it.*

*And master it you did, in you're own, erm, very unique way! So tell me Henry, what changed?*

*As my bleedin wonderful fans know,* pauses for cheers, *I do all my own stunts, be it knitting, gardening, segway driving, you get the picture?*

Just in case they didn't, the studio screens showed a montage of Letterbox classic moments.

*It was on the set of Highlandscaper I met a guy who totally changed my bleedin outlook. If some mad professor of astrophysicals can belt out a tune, why couldn't I, Johnny?*

*James… So he taught you
to play?*

*No, he explained the Chandrasekhar limit to me…
I looked on MeTube for guitar lessons, bleedin obvs Jim!*

*Close. James. Three minutes we'll be back folks!*

"If some mad professor of astrophysicals can belt out a tune, why couldn't I, Johnny?"

And we all know who he means.... Well, some of us do! Lol

Inside joke?

Part 3.

DDD, DDA, DDA, DDG…

Camera 3 was told very quickly to pan down to the butter-streaked frets and away from Henry's painfully obvious concertration on the power chords he was inexpertly banging out.

*... And I'm going dowwwwwn, allll the wayyyy! '

*Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Henry bleeding Letterbox!*

Henry collapsed into the chair, grabbing the last crumpet and grinned.

*Rock and roll, John, bleedin love it!*

*James. Its James, by all that's holy, please, James!*

*What. Evs. You gonna plug the album and world tour..... youre out of crumpets… my rider?*

*Erm, ok* The gallery producer screamed at the runners to get the toasters on again and prompted James to keep the prat talking for another few minutes at least.
*Platinum album, world tour, Letterbox Rox indeed. So tell us Henry, what wete your biggest musical influences? AC/DC, Sabbath, Led Zep?*

*Leo Sayer, Black Lace, and the Wiggles!* Henry snatched the offered fresh tray of toasted treats. *Loved poor old Jeff, always sleeping! Classic!*

The audience looked baffled. James, being British by birth, had heard of Leo, but weren't the other two novelty bands, kids favourites?

*So no Motorhead, Rainbow ,a smidge of Heavy Leslie even?*

Letterbox looked blank, contenting himself by drawing squiggles in the butter stains on his leather trousers.

*Time, I'm sfraid has beaten us, but fascinating insights there, I'm sure you'll agree, into the legend that is Henry Letterbox!*

Camera 2 cuts away from Henry, who is trying to balance the tray of crumpets whilst carrying his guitar off stage. Curse words bleeped out by the gallery as he struggles to find the stage exit.

*Next up, Fifi and the pet rabbit that saved her life, don't go away!*

Roll commercials.

The professor of astrophysics in question DG, also plays in a band I believe, something to do with the Queen, I don't know him, but Brian May?

Looked him up, thanks! I am not knowledgeable in these things.

If only we knew a big Queen fan?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vF2DsFPofg

Sorry! I'll stop now,,,

That's...unbelievable.

Evocative is the word I believe you're looking for....