h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

ok cactus, this one is for you!

are you sitting comfortably? (because this is definitely a 'three-cup-of-coffee' story)


for some inscrutable reason, my band (which plays a very gentile selection of rock, blues and soul music) was invited to take part in a new folk & blues festival being organised in the Deep South of England (near the Solent Delta!)

we were asked to submit a short Bio & photo of the band for the promotional website and we complied with this request

we checked the entry, later, and all looked present & correct, although we noticed that the webmaster had added their own comment to our entry: "They also have a sense of humour"

well, we'd like to think that this was true of every band, so we were slightly bemused that they had made a point of adding this statement, apparently only to our own details

anyway, we turned up at the event and signed in at the organiser's marquee to get our performers' wrist-bands, comps & programmes, etc.

when we mentioned our band name (which is still largely unknown across several continents) the folks on admin duty immediately said "oh good, we're looking forward to coming along and seeing you"

something was definitely amiss - not even our own mothers remember our band name, and much less would those words have passed their lips

...hmmm...


band: "are you, er, sure you mean us?"

admin: "oh yes! you don't forget a Band photo like that!"

band: "uh - ohhhh!..."

all 5 eyes from the other 3 band members turned to look accusingly at me

band: "just WHAT exactly did you send the webmaster?!?!"

me: "er, the usual gumph from our website and the 'arty' black & white photo-montage of us onstage at one of the Dorset festivals"

admin: "no, no - the Bio photo is in colour"

band: "but we checked your website"

admin: "oh - WE'RE talking about the photo in the programme ..."

all 5 eyes again turned, etc., etc....

me: "...i wasn't asked to provide anything else for the programme"

admin: "no, it's ok, the webmaster just visited all the band websites and copied any extra material that looked good"

me (with the penny starting to move in the general direction of the Earth's centre of gravity): "...and can you, by any chance, remember what text got added with this photo?"

admin: "yeah... 'They also have a sense of humour' "

it was about this point that some helpful soul turned to the offending page and showed us the Bio photo, in colour, that graced the programme (but not the website)


now this is where i need to explain that we, in the band, also have a sense of humour

or at least, i THOUGHT we did...


back in the early days when we were still relatively unknown - ie., still as unknown, say, as we are now - i found this amazing photo of a rock band

it was all leather trousers (4 sizes too tight), cowboy boots, spandex tops, or even no tops ...and the hair!!!

yes, the hair - from the chest upwards, there was hair all over the shop!

it was sooooooooooo unlike us that it was perfect - it took just a little effort using Photoshop to cut-and-paste-in our faces and the job was a good-un'


so, just to show that we also had a sense of humour, i added the photo into our website gallery - alongside all the real photos of us in our nondescript trousers (4 sizes too big), with shabby shoes, and tops from 'Quality Seconds' - and a distinct shortage of hair

of course, i also added a little disclaimer in the top corner of the photo to apologise to our 'body doubles', so that there would be no doubt that these were NOT our very own finely-honed examples of Macho Metal Musicdom

Nobody could miss the disclaimer and the tell-tale photoshop 'cut' marks...

...could they?


er, well, yes they could - if the photo in the programme was printed just small enough that you couldn't read the disclaimer, let alone see the evidence of cut-and-paste


for some reason, the rest of the band decided that this was 'another fine mess into which i'd gotten them' - how cruel was that? was this my fault?


so there we were, later, at our first performance of the weekend, waiting offstage for the previous band to finish their set

"what's the problem?" i asked, "this is a folk & blues festival, no-one in their right mind is going to think we really look like that - a HEAVY-Heavy-Metal band

"That's the sort of band that only people who dress in leather trousers (4 sizes too tight); ridiculously skimpy tops, showing gratuitous amounts of muscle and chest-hair; and wearing bandanas to keep their midriff-length tresses out of their eyes, would travel the length of Britain to come and see perform"

"You mean, er - like those guys sitting down there, along the front row?"


...Oops!


you may think that this all sounds like just another tall tale - or, as i read recently in a Guide Entry, a very Shaggy-Dog story

so now, apparently, i have to provide some spurious proof that all this actually occurred, just as i described

and i have to admit that, although i did keep a copy of the programme, it escapes me, at the moment, exactly where i've stored it for safe-keeping

so... i'm afraid you'll just have to take my wo...


no - WAIT - just a second... yes, phew - i still have a copy of that doctored photo - feast yer eyes on this:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/axl_osborne/7058282835/in/set-72157629771081259/

and try to imagine some very angry, very vocal, heavy-metal fans who defied logic and came all the way to a folk & blues festival to listen to a bunch of nondescript, out-of-condition, un-cool nobodies playing something that was "almost, but not quite, entirely unlike" heavy-metal



POSTSCRIPT

Five years later, amazingly, we are still a band, still as unknown, etc., etc.

The only member of the band who will still talk to me is the drummer, and who is also, 'possibly', the shortest amongst us...

you'll notice in the photo, however, that he is a giant of a man

...i guess that i managed to do SOMETHING right!

I love it.

You're the bass player, right?

>>> "You're the bass player, right?"

you can tell that from there?!?

...i need to turn the volume down!

oops, sorry - my bad, i forgot to say thanks!

It's always the bass player...

(splutters morning coffee all over laptop)

Is this good for a girl, at this hour of the morning? . I love it.

(puts on glasses, stares at photo some more)....

(checks bass player)

(checks other guys)

(faints)

I love it! Great story! So, you're still a band! Autograph please, heheh, think I'm a groupie.

(drinks four more coffees)

good morning Mrs Cafe, glad you liked that little tale of our very own 'ball of confusion'

actually, we already have a fan, but hey, they're a very friendly person and i'm sure they'll make you welcome

i guess two fans would be enough to start a club? ...then you could each be president, on alternate years

yes, that band photo is very beguiling, isn't it? - sometimes even I think we really look like that

PS what a great idea - thank you, thank you, thank you!

i'll look into getting our 'alter ego' signatures photoshopped onto that picture - we already use a suitable set of names amongst ourselves

then we could hand out a few (well dog-eared) photos at gigs

say ...do you have any other suggestions like this?

wait - better still - you wouldn't like to be our manager, would you? (the last 9 had to retire, due to ill-health)

Abandon the run, a band on the run ... hahah sorry, bit slow, I just got it.

I like being called Mrs Cafe. The Tenth Manager.. . Mrs Cafe the Tenth. . I could go with this, provided you sign my .. erm ...just above my skull and rose tattoo (fictional fantasy) ..



(checks Dorset festival lineups to try to identify her charges)


I do go on a bit, have you noticed?

I get quite stupid sometimes, when I'm not writing incredibly intense prose poetry about lilies, magpies, whispers, jasmine and smiles. .

Feel free to click delete if you want me to shut up. heheh.

But wait! I must discuss Scott Walker with you. What's interesting is that he took a rather different direction, quit the Walker Brothers, and went walkabout into the realms of the subconscious. Very avant. Incredible lyrics. All documented in an extraordinary film named 30 Century Man. (dir Stephen Kijack)

By the time he got to making Tilt and The Drift we're not talking mainstream any more.

Takes courage to do that, I think. You think?

Over and out from Mrs Cafe 10. The Manager. She who must be obeyed. .

hi Mrs Cafe the Tenth

i apologise unreservedly for the title of this thread, i'm not entirely sure where exactly that came from - could be a left-brain, right-brain kinda thing

on the left of my brain there's an ear, and on the right of my brain there's another ear - unfortunately, there's not much in between


>>> "...I could go with this, provided you sign my .. erm ...just above my skull and rose tattoo"

i, uh, sense we're moving into a situation where i should probably call on the assistance of a certain *Mr* Cafe, as a chaperone


LOL @ CC checking Dorset festival lineups - i have just two words of advice for you here: 'needle' & 'haystack'


righteo then, i think it's about time that i followed your lead about Mr Walker - i could be some while...


Heheh - if YOU can wring some obedience from this band of bolshy stud-muffins (and yes, i am ONLY referring to a brand of horse-feed here!) then you'll earn my undying devotion

have fun, be well
a-l-s (aka bassfishmandude)

...double oops...

y'all were probably going to tell me sometime later (weren't you?) that when i said: "a very gentile selection of rock, blues and soul music", what i actually *meant* was :"a very genteel selection..."

please note that this is an equal-opportunities thread and no prejudice is intended towards time-signatures of any particular ethnicity

I, er, did notice that. But I figured I knew what you meant.

phew - i'm relieved that ONE OF US knows what i mean!

heheh . I read it as gentle. . I forget my glasses, sometimes, when on computer.

And anyway, I can tell that you are a poetic and gracious fellow, and you couldn't cause offence.

While we are on the subject, I do get frequently sensitive, and oftentimes neurotic, about online relating, always fearing I have upset someone. Its not my chosen medium, really, but its also a miracle, connecting us all, across the galaxies.

So, while we are in genteel mood, I was worried I might have caused offence about the tattoo and signature. I was just playing around with the theme of groupies. And signatures. And funny stories that I read in music magazines.

I am, in fact, a very genteel English lady, teehee, but 'tis true.

And time for a cup of tea I think .



(goes to sleep amongst the delphiniums and roses)(of my mind)

.

What's offensive about tattoos? There's no offence in a tattoo...merely a tattoo in jest, no offence in the world, as Shakespeare would have said, had he been thinking about tattoos...

Have you seen Margaret Cho's tattoos?

http://www.zimbio.com/pictures/fb4D7Vc7UKZ/Radar+VH1+Host+Screening+Margaret+Cho+Cho/RmnhAj66a7Q

Those are the harmless ones. I leave you to find the rest.

Just in case you aren't Margaret Cho fans, let me say that CC would love this woman. I can't repeat any of her jokes in this venue, but, well, let me see if I can find a clean bit. Okay, here's our favourite, with a pre-tattoo Margaret:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnnvRjwSCPo

it's pretty evident you're among a great circle of friends here, CC, i think you could safely jump straight into the pool at any time, and have a little good-natured fun and nobody would think you'd acted out of turn

sometimes it takes a little exercise in the art of shedding the protective layers around our self-confidence, to wake up one day and realise that a hesitant and nervous 'caterpillar' has turned into a very relaxed and radiant 'butterfly'

i thought the way you introduced your 'skull & rose tattoo' was very funny, absolutely no problems from my point of view

i think i'm coming to the realisation that - for me, at least - the impact of a tattoo, in real-life, is in inverse-relation to the square-root of it's area, all divided by the number of tattoos present - ie. smaller, and fewer, would make it more appealing for me

sadly, perhaps, i preferred Miss Cho with her natural attractiveness before she took on the appearance of a walking comic-book

cactus flower - your skull and rose sounds perfect (wherever you've concealed it!)


i'm relieved that *I* don't appear to have offended with my stupid spelling of 'genteel', thanks folks


Dmitri, i agree that Miss Cho is one funny cookie - i think i'll probably be haunted continually now by the phrase "this is the salad of my people"


oooookay, i have to get my meal & then go out, so i'll catch y'all downstream


Mrs Cafe 10th, sir, i feel bad that you've been trawling the web feverishly, hoping to catch a glimpse of your new charges - so i've uploaded a second photo, same bat-channel, to put you, er, out of your misery, as it were!

by looking at the pair of photos in quick succession, you can now relive, in the comfort of your own living-space, the very real and intense disappointment of a line of heavy-metal dudes at a folk & blues festival - enjoy!


PS. by some spookey act of synchronicity, you can also see that although we are not - by any stretch of the spandex - the hoopiest froods in the galaxy, we are *definitely* a band who know where their towels are!

I love it. New catchphrase, 'This is the salad of my people...'

Oh good, well back on track then, I haven't upset anyone.



Uh oh, maybe I need .... a-l-s, welcome to your journal. hahah. aren't you glad you invited us all? heheh.



Margaret Cho!! I never heard of Margaret Cho. There was life before I met Margaret Cho, and there is life after Margaret Cho, and .

...

and everything is tinged with tattooed mothwing batwing wonder,

talking of bats, which we weren't, what's a bat-channel and where is my second photo? my charges! my charges!

but wait my tattoo was just fiction oh no! I am writing about an imaginary skull and rose tattoo, my life! my life is an event of tiny delusions! I would love a tattoo, its just that I fainted having my ears pierced so its out of the question, but its like my imaginary spirit guide who speaks to me in Mexican Spanish and tells me to go West and light dream candles to the rose scented spirits of my absurdity, when I am supposed to be going South to study Geometry.

not quite sure how relevant that last bit is, but now I must return to further studies.

And may this website be forever normal

This is the salad of my people.

I knew that was a made-up tattoo.

A 'bat-channel', honey dear (as my music teacher would have said, she called me 'honey dear', she learned this from the Irish in New York in the 1890s), a 'bat-channel' is a campy reference to the old 'Batman' series on TV.

They'd say, 'See you next week. Same bat-time, same bat-channel.'

Now, aren't you glad you know this? (I *knew* you'd like that Margaret Cho. )

yes, please go ahead and use my lounge even if i'm out, folks - and feel free to help yourselves to - there's plenty there 'cause i don't drink it much these days

thanks for helping CC get up to speed with the old Batman trivia, Dmitri

i thought my mention of the 'same bat-channel' might just hint that the new photo is now keeping the first one company (look for the 'Next' button next to the 1st photo)


BTW - the world desperately needs more people calling each other "honey dear" - it should be obligatory for statespersons and political leaders, at summit meetings


>>> "tells me to go West and light dream candles to the rose scented spirits of my absurdity, when I am supposed to be going South to study Geometry"

cactus flower, if only you could manage to go North-East also, while you were studying, you could add Geography to your subjects, for free

ok, so do i detect a certain frustration at your also being allergic to Dmit...** oops, i mean to the thought of getting tattooed?

may i suggest that you find someone skilled in the art of using Henna to make tattoos? almost as good as the real thing - they wear off naturally over a month or two - so no need to get stuck with the same design - and there's no needle!

what's not to like?


** as is the man himself