h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

House cats (to be referred to henceforth simply as "cats") are relatively harmless, smallish creatures with biggish eyes and pointed ears. They are kept throughout the planet Earth as domestic pets due to their soft pettable fur, their efficiency in catching and destroying mice, and their seemly aloof disposition that they display towards their owners. Also for the sense it makes due to the fact that the word "house" is right in their name, and therefore they should love to live in them.*
The cross-section of the human community that considers cats aloof also seem to find this aloofness pleasing, knowing that there is something that they could smash if they wanted to that acts all high and mighty.** But the fact of the matter is that cats, when cooped up in small suburban apartments, go so mad with cabin fever that the only way they can survive mentally is to disconnect themselves form their captivity. This desperate disconnection is often mistaken for deliberate disconnection.
Those cats who do not disconnect generally go mad, as one can readily observe by observing them. Many dis-disconnected domestic cats will randomly jump up from a seemly deep slumber and charge at high speeds in to adjoining rooms at random. The true significance of this act is unknown.***
The cat is descended from Asian Tigers and African Leopards, and therefore has many unfulfilled longings and instincts which will debilitate it's spiritual growth.


* This is, of course, rubbish. If house cats wanted to live in a house, then they would surely build them in the wild, which they do not, at least to my knowledge.

** The following entry is taken from the documentary "The Housecat" (1984 by Sir Slap Banwaller) to illustrate the masochistic point:
"That cat there" (thinks a human male while looking at a perfectly pleased cat in the process of cleaning itself) "all smug and aloof. I could smash his smallish body if I wanted to, but I won't because I'm better than him."

*** While unknown, the significance of the act also shows little sign of ever being known, therefore I find it very safe to say that it is a sign of madness.

Hmmm... that was all very nice... ~grin~... but you went and forgot the biggest thing that mankind should know about the cat... ~bigger grin~... and that is how they all do love to eat doughnuts...

Listen, I've heard about you, and I'll have none of that silliness about my articles. I took a lot of time staring at house cats and jotting down their movements then interpreting them later so I could present this to the board. So, you can take your doughnuts and shift because I won't let years of research go up in a puff of sweet pastried smoke.

You have heard about me have you... ~Greebo wanders from whom??~ Hmmm ... me must say... that you don't seem very happy with my imput... me was only trying to help... but if you not want me here... then me will not return...
Of course me will take my doughnuts with me... me would never leave home without them... ~grin~

Please don't misunderstand, it's just that, well... I'm sorry, I was a bit startled by all the grinning and nodding and doughnuts you see. You must understand that one has to be weary about... well... pretty much everything. I read about you somewhere on the front page and supposed you to be mad, but you seem like a nice enough fellow; please stay.

-Ben Duluth

Did anybody mention DONUTS?

Oh dear, I think I've gotten myself in to something, haven't I?

-Ben Duluth

Yep!

Oh...
Oh dear...

Boomy and slightly spitting voice:

YOU HAVE CREATED A MONSTER!!!

*Leaves again, trying to find donut-flavoured Whiskas!*

~grin~... Me a she not a he silly... ~Greebo does her best girlish giggle...~.... but me won't hold a daft mistake like that against you... ~grin~... after all you can't help being slightly mad... we all are... ~grin~... well me definately is... ~Greebo nods happily to herself... and not hiself... cause that would indeed be strange... ~

Oh, quite sorry, it's hard to tell. You being a...
um...
cat...
and all...
I'm sorry but I'm terribly confused and i think I'll need a lie down.

-Ben Duluth

~Greebo watches VD... (opsss... silly me... paw slipped on keyboard... me meant to write BD... grin...) lie down... and then when he is comfortable looking... she saunters over... and then like cats everywhere in the world... she jumps up and settles down on BD's head... for a nice comfy snooze...~

HELP, THERE IS A CAT TRYING TO KILL ME!! SHE IS ALSO CONFUSING ME WITH A VENEREAL DISEASE!!!

greebo, stop killing ben and confuseing him with a venerial disease

db

~Greebo gets off BD... ~ Grouchy aren't you... ~grin~... and me is sorry for mistaking you for a venereal disease... it's and easy mistake to make... ~bigger grin~

That's not very friendly now is it?

BD

Oh me is very friendly... ~grin~... to be sure... Me got off you didn't me???? And me didn't dribble on you once... ~Greebo inspects BD closely...~ Nope... no sign of a wet patch at all...

Greebo, you most assuredly did not dribble on me. Any wet patch is most likely my own doing.

-Ben Duluth

~Greebo sighs with relief~... Me thought not... ~grin~... and me not going to say any more about wet patches... as me is easily embarrassed and red does not go well with orange...