h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Love, as it stands, is a wholly bad idea that doesn't make very much sense. It's makes about as much sense as being able to go to sleep with sheep jumping over your head.
Up to this writing, love has caused more wars and death on Earth than any other force in existence; one can be sure that if there is a general fighting over land in medieval Briton, then there was some corresponding maid he was out to impress. *

The best way to make sense of this odd idea is to break it down in to parts. The first part, luckily, has the word "first" right smack in it so it will be easier to remember in sequence.

1. Love At First Sight-
Male human meets female human ** and the both get an odd tingling in their bits. *** This phenomenon is generally excepted by the greater civilized creatures of Earth as being "love at first sight." Oddly enough, the same sensation is generally excepted by the less-great uncivilized creatures of Earth as a need to vomit. ****

2. Forbidden Love-
This is the kind of love that has little to do with the beings involved and more to do with the thrill of being the being who's not supposed to be doing the doing.

3. True Love-
This, out of all the types of love, is by far the silliest and most difficult to understand, it is also the most dangerous. It is very similar to being devoured by a sperm whale, you can't really understand it's insides until you've been inside it, but by then you can't really relate it properly anyhow. If at all posable, stay away from this sort of love. If you are already in is, stay in it at all costs. Again, like being devoured by a sperm whale, you'll partially lose bits that you can never get back.

4. Lust-
Lust is not love, but it is often mistaken for it. Lust is a biological function that pops up every now and again in human beings to further procreation. ***** Lust is characterized by a tingling in the "naughty bits" and an unquestionable need to act out the function that those bits were intended for. Lucky it usually only last for a short while and can be quite enjoyable as long as both the parties understand it's function, or lack of therefore.******

5. Spiritual Love-
This is a basic feeling of affection for all things, an all around feeling of "ok-ness." It usually comes about through deep meditation and inward reflection. Many humans consider spiritual love to be rubbish.


* This is not true.

** Or all swapped round, we do live in "enlightened" times. It could, conceivably, read like this. "Male human meet Male human and they both..." This type of pairing, though not as common, is just as valid and just as silly as the conventional one.

*** Those bits may be their chests, or their stomachs, or, more commonly, their "naughty bits."

**** Unless it's the sensation in the "naughty bits," (see above) then it is a whole different situation altogether that I refuse to go in to greater detail about.

***** Strangely, many human beings chose to inhibit procreation through the cunning use of latex. This has brought about many claims that the act that causes procreation is not meant merely for procreation. You decide, I just refuse to get in the middle of all this.

****** Lust is, scientifically, the most honest form of love, oddly it is not love at all. Although it has caused much sadness and pain in all it's time in existence, it has not done nearly as much damage as love.

De ja vue! Just came from your article..good work!

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NM

Well said NM, we're pretty freindly around here check out some of the other homepages for a look at what some of us say there, and let us know a little bit more. eh?

DD

Thanks for the advice, will do.