h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

And so yet another six months pass with no word to or from yours truly. I'm sure there are researchers who have done a lot better (or worse, subject to point of view etc.) on this front. I can't say I'm determined to change the situation either, because I'm not... determined that is. I would like it, yes, but I can't put it as high up on my list as, say, getting a haircut (I really need one, makes more sense if you see me in the mirror every day, though if you do start seeing me in the mirror I would worry, especially if it was every day).

So what has been on my list of late? No, you didn't ask. Yes, I'm going to tell you. In a word... marijuana.

Its funny how a word can trigger such a vast array of different reactions in people. This particular word has started some of the most interesting conversations I've ever had (and, alas, abruptly ended most of them). I never really talk much about being a stoner on h2g2 because a) I don't think it really matters b) people can be depressingly closed minded and judgemental about such issues c) like most drugs its really not all that interesting to talk about unless you do or have done them. The only reason I mentioned it is because its been such a large part of my routine lately. I'm not going to claim it helps academically, because I do physics and if anything stoned algebra is ten times harder than sober rocket science. I unashamedly (okay, I was a little ashamed) stoned and coasted through my second semester exams and I've got the marks to prove it.

Weed does, however, have the power to enhance experiences and tranquilise the mind, both of which I am all for. It can also make you intensely self aware. Emotionally, I am the most self aware person I know of. I am often aware of myself to the point where my thought processes no longer make sense. Like when you take a word and focus on it for ages and all of a sudden its just a collection of letters to which a meaning has, seemingly arbitrarily, been ascribed. Some would say that that's not self awareness, just self confusion. To an extent I agree, I have been very deeply confused lately, and it really pissed me off. But gladly I'm beginning to find clarity - back in fimiliar places and with fimiliar people.

Towards the end of the second term at uni I felt that the smoking along with other factors was making me lose my "edge" (whatever the f**k that was) and somehow (quite easily, self-esteem at a low ebb) I got the impression that without that tiny insignificant edge I was pretty much no one. I became regularly depressed, grew heinously intolerant of most of what I said, did and thought, all of which is complete bollocks to any sane individual.

"and then I realised "....

The truth is, I haven't. I still find it difficult to have a great measure of faith in my abilities and my potential, simply because its never really been proved (proof denies faith, I know... reality isn't the same as potential, I'm aware... blah). The difference is now I've stopped closing myself off to the possibilities. I used to think hopefulness was just the first stage of disappointment. I don't know what I find right now, but I'm glad it isn't that any more.