h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

They say writers should write about what they know.

They also say that the best writers lead troubled and disturbing lives.

Therefore I shouldn't be too surprised that suddenly in the new lonliness and angst ridden state I now find myself flowing with ideas for writing. I'm enjoying the fact that my muse has returned, I just wish I could type it straight into a computer rather that currently reverting to pen and paper in the evening.

Though personally I'd swap it all to turn the clock back maybe 2 years and make several different choices. Being a bit firmer over one thing that had bugged me for years, being more understanding over other aspects. I maybe should even have taken an even bolder step 4 or so years and moved to London seeking work instead of Scotland. In that way me and FC might have established some sort of separation of an us from her family. Something which I know was not the only reason for why things fell apart, but is something I feel paid a considerable part in the breakdown. I realise now that my not ensuring that this had serious repercussions to the breakdown of communication between us.

Monday was 5 years and 5 months since I first placed a ring upon anyones finger. We came through a lot in that time, enough to cause most people to not keep fighting for it. I think for the last two years we became too confortable, or at least if not confortable fitted into a routine. A routine that was fine when FC wasn't permanently in situ but put too much strain on me in particular when she was. I think I've realised that over the last fvie years I've been at my strongest when the going was tough.

Therefore in order to get over it, and as a constant reminder that times are tough I placed the ring that FC gave on my right hand on Monday night. She was worth fighting for when we were together, now we're not I am worth fighting for and fighting to preserve.

The only reason I able to be here writing this (and hence the worst monday morning felling tagline) is that at 4:30 I was unable to send a text message saying goodbye. It was very poignant possibly that was why I couldn't press send. A long rambling letter (ok suicide note) was awaiting being read, but what was the point of that.

Someone can make you feel worthless with what they think is a casual remark when they get you alone. But in essence nobody is worthless no matter what anyone says or how they treat you.

So I'm fighting to be me. I'm here to stay. Watch this space.

Very glad you're here to stay DD - you were one of the people I made friends with first on here so please do stay!

And keep writing those lyric entries. I do like them, and I love the sparks they create.

You have a lot to live for. You've bolstered the lib dems in the area - they would have had a lot of trouble without you. And with this interview coming up... many things crossed! It's not your time to leave this mortal plane.

I'm glad you've seen sense, DD. I know it's hard to believe when you're going through a break-up, but things do get better in time.

Me too.

Thank's guys.

Mina I will continue to cause as much anxiety as possible in peer review, as I can get away with, just see if I don't.

FC thanks for that, and for the call that must of come just after you posted. It was actually good for me to see that you are also choking up a little over what we had before. Especially as since you said the worse combination of words (that's emmotionally not phonetically I'm sure it was grammatically correct as usual) I think I've ever heard you have usually been so stiff upper lip about everything while I've been the emmotional wreck.

GB, EV and fords thanks guys. Your warm thoughts are very much appreciated.

DD - I don't know what to say except that my entries wouldn't have been half as good without you. Keep fighting and remember, we all go through dark times and become stronger people because of it. Good luck.

SBE

Lonely, lonely, lonely. It's always harder when you first split up with someone, you have to get used to being single again and sometimes that's too tough to face.

I always consider myself lonely, but it's no good being with someone who's not the one, just so you won't be lonely.

And you can't bear the thought of falling in love again, in case you lose them.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger - I've heard that - but I don't feel strong.

Just a mess, a lonely mess.
(sorry DD, this should be my own journal but for my own reasons I'm not posting there atm)

I can understand that GB.

The fact was that obviously in this case there were so many lifestlye changes that I made, none of them lightly because I thought this time was the one probably did make it harder.

After all I changed sexual orientation, job, location etc. Then waited patiently for the locations to match up. I think because there was so much anquish actually went into making it work I'm feeling even more now that it didn't in the end.

At this point in time I'm not seeking anoyone else. I did try to recently but I just coudn't go through with it. Maybe that will come in time but at the moment I guess I'm still in love with someone I can't have and that is hard.

Whoops sorry FC I should probably have warned you to close your ears there somewhere. But then again I don't think anything in that last post is anything you don't know.

Actually another angst driven writer, who I used to enjoy reading and trying to write like, once wrote:

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever the years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder, thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk, chill on my brow,
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me...
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well..
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.