h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I found out last Sunday that when I was six years old my mom attempted to kill herself on Halloween while my brothers and I were out trick or treating. She ended up staying at the hospital for several days and then moved in with my grandparents. I remember her living with my grandparents but I don't remember any of the rest of it. This knowledge is having a very bad effect on me, it answers several questions that I now no longer want answered. It explains so much about why I act the way I do sometimes. My mother was taken from me when I was six years old, I have repressed whatever it is that I felt at the time. That six year old is trying to get out though, the six year old is crying out for the love that it didn't receive, trying to make up for lost time. This is having adverse effects on the 32 year old and his relationships with his kids and his fiance. The six year old is insecure and needy. When he asserts himself like he is doing, it sabotages all that the 32 year old has worked for and is working on.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to deal with the six year old in me who didn't receive the love that he needed. I don't know how to deal with the anger I am feeling, the anger doesn't seem to have any direction to it, it is sitting there in my heart and in my stomach, with no nowhere to go, no release valve. I cannot seem to direct it at my mother who was in a bad spot at the time and eventually did what she thought was best for me and my brothers in leaving. I cannot direct it at my father who was the one to call the paramedics but never told me about it, this was the end of his marriage to my mother so I cannot expect him to talk about it. So, that leaves me, for not dealing with the pain then, for shutting everything in, pushing it deep into my mind and forcing myself to forget it. It is not exactly fair to blame myself but, who else can I blame?

Well you can't blame yourself for what happend to you. Whatever the reason for what happend to you when so young it certainly isn't right you should blame yourself. Although what you have just found out isn't nice at least it seems you now know the truth. People do what your mum did when it all gets too much to bear, we all could end up in that situation.

Phew Zomnker - that's major stuff. I really don't know what to say - except

I tried to kill myself when my kids were younger. I suppose they don't know about it, I hope they won't. It had nothing to do with them, I wasn't able to live together with myself. I thought that letting it all go was better for them than to see their mother slowly loosing it all and either going literally insane or turn into alcoholic or anything in that line. There wasn't really any choices for me left and noone noticed the situation to help me in it. I didn't see any other way out back then. Maybe it was a good thing to happen after all. I learned a lot from that experience.

GDZ
Let the past lie alone, you can't change it. And tomorrow the sun will rise again.

GDZ, I have long suspected that my mother (who passed away in 1989) was hospitalized for mental illness doing my early childhood; at least, she spent a long couple of periods in the hospital when I was 5 and again when I was 6 1/2.

I really don't *want* to know for sure. My father has never said much specifically, and I don't think I need to know. She spent a number of years severely depressed, about 10 years later, where she couldn't seem to get out from under. If I try to talk to my dad about her depression now, he claims it never happened.

Since I suffer periodically from clinical depression myself, I know the symptoms very well. There is no purpose in dwelling on all that old history now, all I can do is deal with my current problems.

I really sympathize with your situation, but I think you should try to keep it from interfering with your personal relationships now, since you can't go back in time to fix any of this.

Clearly, J thinks you're worthy of love, and so do your kids. If possible, can you get a little bit of counseling now that you're working? It would be well worth it, I think.

I have been in counseling for depression but had to put it on hold because of my work schedule. I am going to resume it but it will probably be at a different facility with another counselor. The facility I am looking at is actually a Christian-based counseling center. I think it will work better for me.

GDZ, I'm glad to hear you're going to the Christian center. It would probably be more to your liking, and that's half the battle sometimes, being able to accept help. and a big It will get better, I promise, so hang in there.

There isn't any 'blame' to apportion here you know, and certainly not to your six year old self. Hope the councelling helps