h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My ex boyfriend, of over a year ago, is taking unbrage at the fact that I have been more than friendly with 2 of his friends since he left me. Of course, the fact that I had got to know them as well, before we got together and therefore that makes them my friends as well, seems to have passed him by.
I did still think well of this chap, despite him acting like an idiot on and off over the year 2000, but now he has gone too far. We both like RPGs, and he recently joined a game I was in. Everything was going well for a couple of weeks, untill I made the fatal mistake of refering to the relationship I am having with his flatmate. (ie, he's my boyfriend), and after that, my ex acted in a deliberately provoking way. He started winding my character up, and ruining my enjoyment of the game. The next day, he asked if he had upset me, and then told me if I didn't like it he would leave the game. Ah yes, how familiar. When we were together that was always his answer. He'd just turn his back, instead of dealing with his behaviour. An argument ensued, mostly on my part, I admit, and he insisted he couldn't change his behaviour as "it wouldn't be good role-playing" to "just stop". Another fact that seemed to have passed him by is that his character suddenly "just started", so what's the difference? He didn't even apologise for upsetting me, that is also familiar.

Now it seems (according to rumour) he has been complaining to other mutual friends that he now can't join in games anymore, because of the situation. This is despite the fact that 2 days after our argument I emailed him with details of another game that I am in, as I had invited him to join previously. He declined, giving no reason.

The point of this load of old waffle is, how can a mother, who loves her child dearly, bring him up with no sense of resonsiblity at all? He clearly has no idea how to deal with the consequences of his actions. He seems to think that somebody else is in the wrong always, never him. And he won't be persuaded otherwise, he can't contemplate the idea that his behaviour is arrogant, hurtful and frankly, just plain rude.

Sometimes this is a person's way of prolonging the relationship.
Strange how I can see that, clear as day, about someone else.
Yet I don't have a clue what's going on in mine.

Do you know, I hadn't even considered that.
It might be his way of keeping himself off the "gotten over and forgotten ex-boyfriend" shelf. Even if it means he moves onto the "uncomprehendably irritating for no discernible reason" shelf.

Mina,

He’s jealous. He might be jealous of your relationship with others. He might be jealous of the fact that it seems that you have moved on with your life (leaving him behind). Or he might be hurt that you got over him so quickly. It’s hard to say, but I can tell you that one or all of the emotions (hurt, fear, or jealousy) have a major part of way he’s act the way he is. My bet is on fear being the root cause.

Mostly

How do I deal with it?

Are the RPGs moderated? If so how well do you know whoever is running them? If you can get the controller to make life hell for your ex's character whenever (s)he winds yours up, or even just to throw random crap at your ex's character. Many years ago when I ran some games in my distant past if people brought personal issues into the game I had no problems making life hell for their characters till they behaved.

ChawkE

Hi Mina,

“How do I deal with it” Well you deal with it by living your life as unchanged as possible. Not letting him force you to give up and alter your life or avoid your friends or games to avoid him.

How do you get him to change?? That’s going to be harder. You could try bringing him back into your life (I do not recommend it). You could try talking to him again, maybe try the “if you ever loved me you must let me go” ploy. Or just let your mutual friends know what is going on and still live your life as you see fit (my favorite). Unfortunately you may never change the way he is acting, he will get tried of acting that way in time and move on. But for now (other than bumping him off (killing him)) there’s not much you can do about it.

Sorry.

Mostly

Funnily enough, the ref lets us do what we want with out characters, he doesn't feel it's his right to interfere. A couple of the other players can be trusted to sort it out "in game", and if it continued my character wouldn't put up with it. He's got a long memory and lots of patience for things like that.
It's more to do with the player refusing to play as someone has objected to something he's done, rather than compromise. He does it in life as well.

In some ways your situation is not actually too bad - one of my daughter's exes stalked her everywhere she went behaving in the most incredibly stupid and offensive ways (throwing himself onto the floor in front of her when out at clubs and in the street, screaming offensive remarks at her when she started to ignore him etc etc). The trouble was that, following my example, she wanted to stay friends with him and now, two years later, that is what they are BUT it has taken him finding another girlfriend to really cool the situation down.
Your easiest path is to just remove yourself from any contact with him until he grows up a bit - I know that means giving up your game which is not really what you want but unless you do he will keep on hassling you. Maybe you could start another game on YOUR territory and not invite him?

AND just leave his mother out of it! I know that I used to believe that I would produce a very different sort of man (when my son was born that was) BUT I now believe it is in their genes!!! I promise you she is NOT responsible!

I do try to avoid him, some of the games I do have at my house. Msotly when I go to see my bloke I stay downstairs as the idiot is normally upstairs. I haven't seen him come downstairs since the argument. I'm not sure if that's deliberate on his part or not.

I probably shouldn't have mentioned his mother, but believe me, some of his bad traits definitly come from her.

Reading these replies, I am seeing some light.
Thank you to all who responded to Mina...
Do you think it's hurt pride, that you "got over him so quickly" as he seems to think, or jealousy that he's with your friend? [Mina]
I also mean this question as any ex-, [the previous posters may answer this one]. I'm interested because of my exes behaviour at the moment.

Just a couple of thoughts:

You are not your ex's keeper and neither is his mother. If he is petty, irresponsible, foolish and rude then that is his problem in every way. He has to live with the consequences, and no-one else will get him to change. In fact, the only thing that may just get him to change is him realising that he doesn't like what happens when he does behave like that. Don't hold your breath though, this sort of learning usually takes years, and can take lifetimes. One of my guiding principles is that everyone should be allowed to go to hell in their own way.

This doesn't help you deal with the way he is impacting on your social and recreational life. So it isn't very helpful. Sorry.

On the other hand, if you re-direct your energies from trying to change him to protecting yourself mentally even better than you do already, then that may help. (Think water, and a duck's back. Think being wrapped in a cloak of shimmering light. Think ants - incredibly busy in their own little world, totally irrelevent to yours. Think dirt on a window pane - fascinating or invisible depending on how you focus your eyes. Whatever works for you.)

Wish I could be more helpful.

agcB

I have to agree with GB about the prolonging your relationships. The love turns into hate quite easily and some people don't notice the difference in themselves. So, going by this way, he don't do it for the feelings he causes you but for the way he feels himself.
GB - there are lots of beliefs which say that if you've got a name for a you've got a power over him. So, if you know the reasons somebody is behaving in this or that way and you are able to point the reasons him, too, it may help to destroy . Or scare him away. One can never change the other person and changing myself is the toughest job I know. It's better just to understand.