h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

h2g2's well known for it's off-topic drift, but I don't see that there is anything more to say about me agreeing with a comment you made. Or aren't you used to being agreed with?

you are right there I'm not used to people in rl agreeing and thought you may have a tale to tell about volunteering getting you a job.

Ah I see. Well, most people know it already, but I volunteered on h2g2 - and ended up working for the site for nearly two years.

Wish I had similar luck.

So work actually gets done back there? What sort?

Trying to get someone to make the is the most important job!

Ah. Well they have that all smoothed out now: Natalie makes the tea, and Derek criticises it.

Anything else?

Hmph. Wasn't like that in my day. Mind you, in my day making the involved trays, boiling kettles, remembering who had sugar and who didn't have milk, and Jimster never made the even though he never drank it, he wanted to be asked every time so that meant he should have to take a turn in making it. *finally breathes*

You can see what used to take up my day.

where I'm doing work experience we take it in turns to make

I'm home and trying to catch up with everything More later!

Nobody makes tea at American jobs. And if you want coffee, you make or buy your own. Unless you have a secretary to do it.

I actually volunteer to get my boss coffee because it's an excuse to get some fresh air. Me and a coworker almost had a fistfight over the right. I won.

You can come and work for me if you like!

You drink coffee?
Name the salary and other duties and I'll show up tomorrow afternoon... maybe.

See - there's an example of volunteering leading to a job. Not sure about "dream job" though.

I hated offering to make one of my bosses tea, because once they made a comment that they were now high enough in the company to demand a minion made it, but they just didn't like to do it.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Even that person's boss didn't ever demand anyone made the tea, or even people higher up the ladder were often seen getting their own. Just ridiculous.

I'll come and work for you Skanky

Better make this an official process then, eh?

Position Available: Personal Assistant to Skankyrich

This prestigious position requires flexibility and an ability to perform a variety of tasks. An ability to deflect questions regarding Skankyrich's whereabouts is essential, particularly from telephone callers. Additionally, when dealing with post and emails, the successful applicant will show competence in distinguishing documents which are important and worthy of attention from those which merely appear to be so. Anticipation of needs is also key; while Skankyrich makes more than his fair share of tea and coffee, experience in spotting those key moments of stress when a hot drink would be appreciated - and indeed, which brew is most appropriate in any given situation - is valuable.

Good time management is important. There will be significant periods of time when there is little actual work to do, so initiative is required. Skankyrich is not happy about paying his staff to read the paper or send personal text messages. The successful applicant will be able to waste time in an interesting and engaging way - Googlewhacking, explaining how cryptic crosswords work and finding travel-related quizzes are good examples of appropriate activities.

In the summer months, a willingness to put up tents and light fires is a preferable attribute. Note that during this period, work is less likely to be office-based and may involve a certain amount of navel-gazing under the stars.

Salary is negotiable but will be at the low end of the pay scale. Perks may be requested, but will be denied. Skankyrich is an equal opportunities employer*.

***

Right - get those applications flooding in, then

* Note that the use of the word 'opportunity' does not necessarily suggest that working for Skankyrich would be a wise career move.

Dear Mr Skankyrich,

Re: Personal Assistant to Skankyrich, your ref U931109

I am writing to apply for the above position vacant. You will find that flexibility is my middle name (I'm always being asked what the F in Paff stands for) and I am able to perform a variety of task (although not necessarily the ones you would want).

I would be most able to deflect all kinds of telephone calls in your absence, particularly as I have recently completed a one week intensive study of the answerphone instruction manual. Competence at sorting the email wheat from the chaff is also a speciality and I will quite willingly change your email junk filtering to the 'very severe filter' setting. As for post, I am quite adept at filing most things under 'B' in the small round filing cabinet. As such, you will never have to look at another item of post again.

I have honed my tea and coffee making skills over years and am always happy to use making a brew as an excuse to be away from my desk. Inventive timekeeping is another speciality. With previous employers I have been able to make almost any number of actual hours worked add up to 35, 37.5 or at a stretch even 40, depending on what they expect. Although I'm not much cop at cryptic crosswords, I embrace the challenge that would be brought about by my successful application for this post.

I note that a willingness to put up tents and light fires is a requirement. This suits me on the basis that you don't require an actual ability to put up tents and light fires. Navel-gazing, being under the stars, doing both simultaneously, and getting paid for it, seem right up my street.

I look forward to discussing salary and benefits at the interview that I am sure you would grant on the basis of my CV, which is attached.

Kindest regards,
Paff

I volunteer my son! It's about time he started earning his keep.

I couldn't possibly compete with Paff

Dear Mr Skankyrich,

I'm enthusiastic about the opportunity to participate in the daily running of your life. Ever since grade school I've known that I wanted to handle responsibility, blame, flak, and beverages for someone else. The idea that I might do it for you overwhelms me. Don't ask what with.

Your requirements seem to be written for me. Flexibility? My experience with gymnastics, though untapped for around 12 years, will ensure that I can perform the variety of tasks you need. I am very good at deflecting questions too. My patented "dumb blond" facial expression coupled with the phrase "I don't know about that stuff" and high speed gum chewing is proven to deflect questions away at accelerated speeds. For telephone calls, chewing and breathing into the mouthpiece while playing Halo 3 loudly in the background invariably receives a request to be deflected - or transferred - to almost anyone else. As for anticipation: well, that's what I'm good at. You'll note I enclosed a bandaid in case you cut yourself opening the envelop. The Boy Scout motto is my motto. I like to be prepared.

My skill set is perfectly suited for the position. I don't know what Googlewacking is, but I'm excited to learn new skills that will enable me to perform my job even better. I'm very good at putting up tents and lighting fires. We did it all the time in reform school. Actually, I put up the tents. But my experience with fires is considerable: I burnt down my high school, my ex-boyfriend's house, and the local fire station before they enrolled me in the previously mentioned institution.

I am confident you will agree with me that I am the right one for the job. Please contact me at your earliest convenience so we can negotiate the salary and deny the perks.

Leo