SWAMPY MAIL

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Dear Readers

So here is, my first weekly e-mail, or at least I hope its my first. 
Somehow Simonymony seemed to know about me starting up this 'ol regular
mail malarky, which I can't remember telling him, so there is a possibility
I have already sent one without knowing which would be weirder than a very
weird thing having breakfast with another very weird thing on a Sunday
afternoon.

So anyway, here it is, you don't need to let the graphics load but it'll
look cooler if you do.  Go easy on me please, its my first time (I
hope)......

Issue 1 - Saturday 20th May 2000

NEWS

The Royal Latin
School in Buckingham gave Year 11 pupils there, 10 minutes notice
on Tuesday 16th May that it was to be their last day before the GCSE examinations.  
Pupils had previously thought that Wednesday was to be their last day and
had planned all last day activities according to that presumption. 
However, Miss Galloway otherwise known by some as the ‘W.H.', found it
fit to move this forward by a day two hours before the end of Tuesday and
not alerting the pupils until 10 minutes before the end of the day. 
The last day of school, has for generations of year 11 pupils, meant a
time to relax, have fun, maybe play the occasionally mild prank, and create
the worlds largest line of people to pull a moony on the school field ever. 
It is a time for farewell, shirt signing and crying and time to, believe
it or not, thank all the teachers for all they have done for them over
the years. This time round, an executive decision between the forces in
power at the Royal Latin School, generously gave the pupils 10 minutes
instead.   Nearly all pupils were hopping mad, and a group of
youngsters found it fit to jump up and down on one leg in protest. 
One particular boy took to jumping round the head teacher on one leg, while
she just stood there and laughed.  This was surely a grim day for
all those who were looking forward to the water fights, bare bottoms and
leaflets about Brothel Clubs that should have made Wednesday 17th May one
of the greatest days of their lives.  Let us just hope that in the
future, pupils will be able to take a stand against this oppression and
fight back for what they know to be right.

And on that note, around 35 pupils arrived
in Buckingham Wednesday morning with the reasonable intention of celebrating
what should have been their last day, in Chandos Park.  However, their
fun was put to an end almost immediately as they stepped of the bus and
were rushed of to the library at the school by the deputy head, Mr. Grimsdale
and locked up inside it.  Though the library was filled with plenty
of books to amuse them and Mr. Grimsdale did, out of kindness, decide to
give a thoroughly interesting speech on the laws regarding study leave
and the completely non-oppressive and exceedingly fair nature of their
school some did feel the need to run off rather than be held prisoner. 
Each to his own I suppose.   Those who got away, started their
party in the park anyway and were later joined by the rebellious jailbirds
from the library, who had the amazing initiative of contacting the Guardian
newspaper from inside the library, forcing the school to let them out. 
I would write more on this subject but I'm afraid I might say something
to offend someone, I wouldn't want to call Mrs. Piper a stupid oppressive
cow who threw me off Brookfield lane when I had only come in to copy down
my exam days and had not even stepped into the school itself after hearing
what had happened that the morning, or anything like that.  Though
let me say, to avoid creating a bad image of all the teachers, most teachers
sympathised with the pupils and found the whole affair pretty funny and
were quite willing to have a have a pleasant chat and a laugh with us.

I'll take this opportunity to wish everyone
good luck on their exams.  Have a good one.

Make sure you buy the Guardian this week
to hear their point of view on the Anti-Smile policy at the school.
  

The Clean-Shaven
Elbow Warriors have said that they will be releasing their debut
LP, ‘A Dog In A Waistcoat' sometime at the beginning of September this
year.  They will commence recording in S.T.N. studios near the end
of July/ beginning of August and have said that they intend to finish recording
within a fairly short period of time.  The raunchy 3-piece from Buckinghamshire
consisting of Lead Vocalist, John Toothpaste, Guitarist, Holly Divaires
and Bassist, Bruce McXXXX, who have never released anything in the past
and have only performed one gig, a stunner though it was, are taking a
big step in recording this album but much faith has been put in them by
their dedicated fans.

The band are keeping very quiet about the
content of the album, and refuse to comment on any rumours of a new addition
of a drummer to the band, believed to be known as, ‘Mr. Squirrel'. 
They do however say that at the moment they believe it could be  "the
best collection of songs this country has seen since at least yesterday". 
As far as tracks on the album are concerned, there are rumoured to be 16
to 18 tracks - a true bargain, but absolutely no bonus track say the rocktastic
trio.

When asked wether this ‘no bonus track'
business was all a big cover-up for the reality of there actually being
a secret track, bassist, Bruce McXXXX answered "No, Its all a lie, you
hear me?! It's a vicious rumour designed to smear our good name"

However, we of course no it is no such
ploy, as if we wanted to smear their good name, we would of course say:

Thhhhhheee Cllleaaann------Shhhhhhavvvvvveeennnnn
Elllllllbbbbbbbooooowwwww Warrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiooorrsssss

Applause for that joke will not be necessary.
  

CROSSWORD
  

Damn!
  

Horoscopes
written by 18 year old girl just before her Maths exam which she hasn't
revised for, who has just broken up with her 10 month boyfriend, suffering
form food poisning during ‘that time of the month'

Aries - Life's
looking peachy for you, a new love is about to walk into your life - oh
bloody woo hoo for you, I bet you're just chuffed aren't you?! Well go
on, have a good time, meet love, just forget about me, I'm not important
to YOU, big ‘ol YOU am I? AM I?! Just p**s off
 Bloody Capricorn
- Oh, what's that, sorry, what's that stars?  What's that
you say, Capricorn is about to run into a pleasant surprise that will change
their life for the better? Is that what you say? Well yippedeedoodahday
capricorn, isn't that just bloody great for you?!  Just forget it
all right just go away, p**s off, I'm sure you'll have a blast.  Now
what have we got? Oh, its me
 Taurus -
You will win the lottery.  Oh bloody woo hoo for you ay, isn't
that just great?!   Oh, wait, hang on.  Yep.  I'm not
gonna stick around ere, I'm off to buy my ticket, I never need to write
for this stupid letter thing again you hear me, ever!!!!! Sod you Craig!
I don't need you! I don't need anyone?! I'm rich you here me, rich, rich!!!!!!!
<CENTER>And finally,
now for that old dear that we all love to love</CENTER>

<CENTER></CENTER>

<CENTER><IMG SRC="Aunty Judith.gif" HEIGHT=224 WIDTH=440></CENTER>
 

Hello my darling
readers.  This week I'm afraid Aunty Judith is a bit low on problems,
so make sure you mail me some more, I feel all useless and bony and old
and skanky when no one sends me any problems for me to help them with.

This week we have
just one and I must apologise for the late reply but Aunty Judith has been
facing some technical difficulties, but they're all sorted out now.

And here it is

Dear Aunty Judith
 For years I've
believed that no one would ever fancy me.  Now, for no reason I can
make out, two girls do.  Is this a good thing?  No it is not. 
I don't fancy either of them and they are both friends I don' want to lose/hurt
by f*****g with their minds.
 Help!

Well, first of
all, you have got to lose that self-esteem thing.  You have two girls
who fancy you.  There must be something about you they like, and that
something about you must mean that somewhere there are other girls who
would like you just as much if you would stop kidding yourself that its
so impossible for you to be liked by the opposite sex.  Therefore,
if there is anyone who you do particularly fancy, you should put a little
faith in yourself and do something about it.  In the mean time however,
all you can do about these two girls, is tell them the truth.  They
will appreciate it and I doubt that you will leave any friendships seriously
damaged and if there is any friction, its sure to fade within a couple
of weeks, where as involving yourself in any sort of relationship with
either of them which you do not feel right in, could lead to more permanent
damage of a friendship.

 However,
I know it can be hard, so I would say, if you just can't just tell them
how you feel, then if the subject never arises, there is no real need to
say anything.

If you are not
planning on making a move on either of them and if neither of them make
a move on you, there should, believe it or not,  be no real problem.

I hope this helps. 
My low self esteem prevents me from believing it will, but I'm writing
this column anyway.

Lots of love

Aunty Judith

If you have a
problem and would like Aunty Judith's advice, you can mail her at
  
 [email protected]

Remember, if you
want your mail to remain secret, you can send it in confidence to the same
address, and specifically request for it not to mailed to anyone else and
she will send a reply straight back to the person who sent it.  Aunty
Judith never releases any information when she has been asked not to. 
That is a promise.  She's a lovely old dear you know, if a bit forgetful
at times.  We all still love her though now, don't we.

And finally a
note from the writer of this week's horoscopes

Has anyone got a
quid on them?  Oh bloody typical, all I want is to be happy for once
and I'm stopped for lack of a fuc...

See you all next
week readers (if I don't decide to pack all this nonsense in right now
that is)

luv ya

Swampy

P.S. How did I
do Ma?
  
  
  
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