h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

We'll stop sending our rubbish to Mars when you stop buzzing Kansas farmers with UFOs and drawing crop circles and stuff. And, if possible, could you cease slicing cows up and leaving bits lying about?
Nice canals by the way.

You must have us confused with another hyper-advanced space-faring race. The Venusians are known to have quite a liking for cow retinas.

On the other hands our last experiment ... I mean, our last experience with Terrestrial humans occured four thousand years ago when one of our researchers had to make a "forced landing" in a desert.

So he influenced architectural styles. You must admit the four-sided buildings he inspired have proven to be quite durable.

As for the black death, anyone could have dropped that vial. And yes, Tunguska was a mistake.

BUT WE HONESTLY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH RICKY MARTIN.

Some things just happen, really they do.

-THDoM

P.S. Thank you for the canals. You should see the gondolas we are planning to build.

I must apologize for my erroneous assertion that the government of Mars has nothing to do with Ricky Martin.

I was informed by the Martian Minister of Mucking about on Earth that Ricky Martin is the final product of a carefully run breeding program that was geared towards producing the perfect left little toe.

After two hundred generations of careful direction and planning the Minister reports that Martin in fact has a perfect left little toe.

The unfortunate effect of his voice on inhabitants of the Proxima Centauri star system was unintentional. For the sake of Proxima Centauri's inhabitants we are working with other species in the hope that a cure for the planetwide wave of autocannibalism can be found.

Regards,



-THDoM

Phew, thanks for that, I nearly had a heart attack at the thought that Ricky Martin might be a product of Earth.
Now that we know that he's not human, we can use a convenient legal loophole (maiming, torturing and killing a non-human is not 'inhumane') to get rid of him, or at least give him a nasty fright. (We'll keep his left little toe though, it is indeed a masterful work of engineering and art. It'll go well in the museum next to the armadillo's nose)

The armadillo's nose is quite a piece of work isn't it?

We have admired it from afar for several millenia.

It is like a pig's nose, but it isn't. Our exobiologists have produced document after document about this wonderful little anatomical treasure.

The armadillo's nose is almost as much of an enigma to us as the true composition of Pamela Lee Anderson's frontal protrusions. The composition of said protrusions has been a subject of heated debate in the halls of Martian academia since we began receiving reruns of "Bay Watch".

One popular theory states that the protrusions house small antigravity generators to keep Ms. Anderson from falling over, while a competing theory proposes that due to Ms. Anderson's unusually small cranial cavity extra space was required for supplemental processing units.

Unfortunately to resolve this debate we would have to scan Ms. Anderson's chest with a heavy particle beam, which would cut short her brilliant career in entertainment.

We cannot have that -- we are eagerly awaiting "Barbed Wire II".

As for Mr. Martin's left toe we were rather hoping we could exhibit it in one of our museums. You are welcome to keep his right earlobe, which I am told was an added bonus to our experiment in eugenics. Not everyone's earlobe is a near-flawless physical representation of n-folded space.

Regards,



-THDoM

Aah - the long unresolved Pamela Anderson debate. My personal theory is noted at http://www.h2g2.com/A202483

In whihc case a fast neutron beam applied to her torso would prove even more dangerous ...

Your new theory has sent the Martian academic community into a frenzy.

We WERE planning on abducting Ms. Anderson for a week this August to dedicate a new shopping mall, Utopia Planitia Outlets, Inc.

But if she is carrying front-pack nukes we must reconsider.



-THDoM