h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hello Wizgal,
I'm glad that you apparently enjoyed your time in my country and felt the warmth of the majority of my fellow countrymen. Please tell me more about youself, as much as you care to divulge would be a good start. I'm not bad at keeping secrets, so feel free to let fly with anything. Hope to hear from you soon.

Let's see. I am a student of English Literature. I love the classics! Actually, I just like to read and write. I work at a place where my education doesn't add up to jack (nothing). I really don't like Texas (where I live) because it is too humid here. I love music of all sorts (I miss "Countdown" with Molly Meldrum sp?) I listen to just about everything I can!

The society in the US is all go go go and no slow slow slow. It is as rushed as a highway. Fast food replaces many meals for Americans (that's why heart disease is the number one cause of deaths!). But I am a very laid back, easygoing person. I love to watch the hustle and bustle of the people as I eat my lunch or just sitting in the park. It is amusing

I love trivia, and I play online and with friends every chance I can. It is one of my outlets for the humdrum of everyday life. I believe we are here for a higher purpose, and that if I can't solve, cure, or direct people and their problems, the least I can do is be a good listener and show my empathy.

I love fast cars! I drive fast (no, I don't have any tickets or accidents). I like to go to races when it is possible.

My best friend is a nurse. She is my lifeline to reality. I am usually up in the clouds with a novel or writing some interesting story when she pulls me out to do normal things, like pay bills. She is the sister I never had. I do have a brother, who teaches High School. He's a geek, though, and I feel sorry for him. He leads a very ordinary life and chooses not to be one of the few people I know to make a difference in this world.

I am currently using my computing capabilities to find long lost realitives and to find new and interesting people to converse with.

I hope this was enough to start a conversation. Please write back and tell me more about yourself!
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OK, I'm gonna do this in the order that it appeared in your message (lest I get confused and begin to ramble. I'm doing it again right now aren't I?). Oh, and I'm well aware of what jack means (after all, I've been doing it for years).

I'm doing my honours year in microbiology, having just finished my B Sc in November with a double major in micro and genetics.

Countdown hasn't been on for bloody years, when were you out here? Molly's head can still be regularly seen though - he won $500,000 for charity on millionaire at the end of last year, and someone recently stole his hat (which for some reason all the papers found newsworthy).

Why are you stuck in that hole of a place, I'd rather go to hell than go to America! I take it it's a work thing? Yeh, the food thing is weird, they don't know the meaning of cooking at home, they sell condo's that don't even have a kitchen at all! And don't teach them either, because the quicker they depart the better (I'm only half joking there). I take it that you make your own lunch to eat in the park, make some extra because I'd love to join you - it sounds very nice.

Yep, love trivia too (once again, sadly this is my life ).

I know for certain that we're here for a higher purpose.
"and that if I can't solve, cure, or direct people and their problems". What keeps me going is that the research I'm doing involves something that causes a couple of hundred diseases, including various forms of blindness and deafness. If just one kid can go to the beach and hear the roar of the surf, or look up at the sky and see the huge, fluffy, pristine white clouds because of my contribution I'm gonna die with a smile on me dial.

Not into cars (apart from F1), and I don't own one. But I did race motorcycles for a number of years, and bikes have also been my sole form of transport for a long time. Up until I started uni I had a car to tow the race bike, but it sat in the driveway apart from the weekends when there was a meeting because I don't like driving tin-tops (there's already enough nose-pickers around, no need for another one). Once I started uni finances forced the sale of the car (no big deal) and the race bike ().

When we meet for lunch in the park can you bring the nurse (what is it with men and nurses?). You can leave bro behind (I don't need the competition).

Long lost rellies, eh. I found my Dad's brother after they had lost contact for about 20 years. That was around 8 years ago and they still write and phone each other. Mmmmm satisfying.

That's about all I've got folks (you don't have to go home but you can't stay here). If you have any further questions feel free to ask, I'd be happy to answer them as you sound very interesting. Veerrrry interesting.

We can meet for lunch anytime, but does it have to be here? I mean I would rather go to someplace else, let's say, Adelaide, or something. LOL My friend said she would join us. She is surprised at your education and that you would talk to a Literature major instead of finding some nice little math or science major. I told her that it's all in the genes.

Racing cycles? I don't think I could do that. But I could give Mario Andretti a run for his money...I don't live far from the Texas Motor Speedway. It's a really cool track.

I am stuck here, because of school and work. Texas is about the only place where you can find a job. And school is cheaper here. Let's just face it: If Americans really wanted to be #1, they would concentrate on making their kids #1. I know for a fact that the American school system is one of the worst in the world.

I was in the Alice from 1978 until the mid eighties. I'm not really old, though. I am only 32. But most of my memories are very fondly recollected from that time period in my life. (I also enjoyed the Kenny Everett Video Show, the Goodies, the Two Ronnies, and, of course, my faves: Are You Being Served, and Blake's 7.) I am such a stickler for the old stuff it seems. I loved Good Neighbors and Butterflies. But with the multichanneled US, I was swamped with oldies here: The Honeymooners, Soap, etc. I loved the older shows and would stay up late on weekends watching them. The P(ublic)B(roadcasting)S(tation) here in Texas shows BBC shows on Sunday nights. I enjoy some of them. I especially liked Chef and the other one with him in it...but I can't remember the name of it. I also liked Keeping up Appearances. But give me an oldie and almost every time, I enjoy it.

Genetics? Can you explain, genetically then, why my brother is a dork and I am so cool? LOL My brother is NO competition to you. He has a Masters in English and teaches. He is the ultimate dork.

I haven't figured out the smily thing yet...How do you get them to use?

What do you do in any free time that you have? Do you watch TV? What kind of music is popular over there? Where are you going after you get your degree? How old are you? How tall are you? Are you from Melbourne originally? What season do you like the best? What's your favorite colour? What is your favorite food? Do you have brothers and sisters? Where do you store your bike when it rains? Whats the weather like there?

OK. That's about the extent of my insane rambling questions. I am usually sarcastic, but I wanted you to know that there is more to me than meets the mind. Oh, and I can multi-task!

Well I just spent God knows how long writing an incredibly comprehensive answer to your meesage only for it to disappear when I clicked on "post message". Please take into consideration that my fingers are now little more than bloodied stumps. OK, here we go again.

I would be honoured to meet you for lunch anytime and anywhere you choose. Adelaide would be fine, but if your coming all this way why not just come to my place - my lousy student allowance can cope with that, better than a ticket to the city of churches. Better bring the nurse as meeting you might send me into "excitement overload" and I may require treatment. I don't understand why your friend is surprised that I would talk to someone interesting. I'm marking her down temporarily as "Weirdo", but she can redeem herself, so all is not lost. I'm only joking, she sounds very nice.

I also live near a track, but it has fallen into disuse because of lack of funds. When it is being used you can just hear the noise from my place (they built it on a hill so the noise goes up and away from residents). Guns'n'Roses played there a few years ago and there was no problem hearing them (so cool, I sat on the front step and polished off a few beers with one of the brother-in-laws, and we didn't even have to cough up the readies for a ticket). I've never raced at this track or even seen it, weird because it's only about 8 minutes down the highway.

Yeh, I'm sick of meeting boofheaded Americans who wanna tell me that their education system is so great - far superior to ours - and our credentials are not the equivalent to their credentials, etc. I usually let them finish what they've got to say and then point out "Hey Einstein, your fly's undone". Don't get me started on them because I won't shut up.

"I also enjoyed the Kenny Everett Video Show, the Goodies, the Two Ronnies, and, of course, my faves: Are You Being Served, and Blake's 7."

To my knowledge Blake's 7 has never showed here, but I enjoyed the rest at one time or another.

"Good Neighbors and Butterflies" - never heard of them, they've never showed out here.

"The Honeymooners, Soap".
The Honeymooners has just finished running on our equivalent to PBS (Channel 31 - community television. Their budget is so crap that old/obscure programmes are the only type that they can afford. I love it!). I used to lie in bed and watch Soap (it was on at 11pm) with an ex-girlfriend. I'd laugh too loud and wake her up, eventually she just gave in and started watching it too. I wonder if I'd still find it funny today? Sometimes these things see very dated when you re-visit them. Same goes for that girl! (I hope that didn't sound bitter or nasty, it was just a throaway line. She was a beautiful and caring partner. See - not nasty and only mildly bitter and slightly twisted).

Never heard of Chef, and unless it's the chef from South Park I don't know the other show either.

Keeping up Appearances - the name rings a bell but I've never seen it so it couldn't have taken off here.

The genetic explanation for you being such a babe and your brother being a prized poindexter will be found in one of two phenomenon. The first (and most likely) is called genetic recombination. Your parents alleles (molecular variants of the same gene) came together in a differing manner for you and your sibling. Just as well or it would have been Dorkarama at your place. Roll up, roll up - Dorks as far as the eye can see or your money back folks! The other possibility is mutation, and after reading your description of your brother I'm not gonna discount that puppy just yet.

The smileys are on the page below the box that I'm typing this message in. Don't they appear there for you too? ("Obviously not you moron or I wouldn't have asked" - sorry baby, but no need to turn nasty on me).

Free time - visit friends and my sisters families. Mum and Dad are 3 hours away, so I don't get to see them too often. This, by the way is about all I can do on my piddly little allowance (called Austudy).

Watch TV - No, I gave my telly away until November so that I didn't get distracted from my studies. Sadly it hasn't worked.

"What kind of music is popular over there?"
The music that is popular over here is rubbish. I refuse to lower my tonal standards to (c)rap. If I want to hear an illiterate black man spouting non-sensicle tripe I'll go down the footy club and drink with my mates, thank you very much.

"Where are you going after you get your degree?"
After I get my degree I plan to go straight home.

"How old are you?"
I had my 40th birthday last Sunday. If this nugget of info doesn't kill off your interest in me read the answer to the next question, that should do it.

"How tall are you?"
I'm a shortarse, I'm 5'4". Sorry to disappoint you but it doesn't exactly thrill me either.

Are you from Melbourne originally?
Yep, born and bred in the most spots mad city on earth.

What season do you like the best?
Cricket season. OK I was being Captain Clever Clogs again. Any season that's cold enough to make you want to snuggle up to me will do just fine.


"What's your favorite colour?"
Don't really have one, so I'll say black and white - especially when it's being waved at me for being the first over the line.

"What is your favorite food?"
I eat absolutely anything, so your cooking will do me perfectly. I'm assuming this is an invitation to come over for dinner, and I accept. I'll be there at 7:30pm. I don't eat sweets, long story which I told in the "disappearing message".

"Do you have brothers and sisters?"
I have two wonderful sisters who worship me. I couldn't ask for better. They have also raised their kids and trained their husbands to idolise me, and frankly it's impossible for me to live up to the image.

"Where do you store your bike when it rains?"
The bike sleeps in the garage rain or shine.

"Whats the weather like there?"
Weird. Yesterday was glorious, and today I'm freezing my wedding tackle off. Now would be a good time to commence that snuggling we were talking about.

OK folks, that's all we've got for you (you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here). I'd be happy to answer any further questions that you can think of, just let me know. Be good, and the next time you have lunch in the park I want you to pretend I'm there with you. And don't be stingy with the sanwiches either!

You are an amazing person! No wonder your sisters, et al, idolise you!

Kat is weird. She wouldn't have it any other way. But her nature is nurturing and caring and I wouldn't have her any other way. She'll come to Australia as long as no flies go in her mouth and the spiders stay outside. (Long story from a pic of my mom at the Telegraph Station with her back covered with flies!)

I have one date for you: 1978. That's the year I came to the Alice. I didn't live anywhere else, so I guess you'd better look at the history of Blake's 7, because that's where I saw it. That and Playschool, and Mr. Squiggle ("Here's Mr. Squiggle there's lots of fun for everyone..."). Believe me. I know what I am talking about.
You've seen Soap!!! OK, laughing out loud to Soap is how I got in trouble for staying up late...
I don't watch TV anymore. Sadly where I live, unless you pay $50 a month for cable, you aren't going to watch anything. Besides, it's mostly dribble anyway.

I am copying the part about my brother to send to him...He needs to know his origins...LOL

This is the part where you run away. I listen to rap. WAIT!!! I listen to ALL music however, and the rap I listen to is not what you think. Besides, I only listen to it once in a while. I mostly listen to rock. And I can't listen to a lot of rap because of it's negativity and lack of inspirational lyrics. Sadly, it was Kat who got me into it...

There are no smilies...Where the hell are they??? I searched. No luck.

If it helps you any, I am only 5'2". And my last partner was a very twisted SOB that needs to have his whole world ajusted (does the bitterness show?). He was a jerk. I can't say that about other men, just him. (Was my best friend for 6 years, wanted to date me, went out for a year, then poof! off like lighning to mommy's house because I was "too serious too soon". It wasn't like I wanted to MARRY him.) That's my second sad tale. My first remains undisclosed.
Never seen GNR live, but I have seen countless others...Def Leppard (saw them 2x in one year) was my fave for quite a while. I cannot list my favorite rock bands because, like you, my fingers would turn into bloody stumps. I haven't typed this much since I wrote a paper on Shakespeare.

OK some fun facts about me:
My mother lives about 40 miles from here. I see her 2x a year.
My brother lives about 200 miles from here. I see him 6x a year.
Kat is my best friend. She is a wonderfully twisted person. I see her almost every day.
I am currently enrolled for the 4th year running to finish my last 2 required classes. Finally one of them is being offered! When I'm done, I may go teach...Or not.
I am addicted to coffee. Don't talk to me until I've had it!
My favorite colour is blue.
I dye my hair.
I don't do my nails.
I hate shopping.
I hate shoppers.
I don't like holidays, except for getting time off work.
I work anywhere from 40-60 hours a week.
I sleep 4-6 hours a night.
I was born in 1971 at an American Naval Hospital.
My birthday is Columbus Day.
My brother's birthday is Hitler's birthday (it was also Good Friday).
I don't go to church, because the organised religion is against mine.
I believe in God, and I am going to heaven.
I believe in Science and that I evolved.
I don't like insects, dogs, or snakes, but I can tolerate them.
I am a cat lover, but don't own one.
I don't like broccoli, but I love brussel sprouts.
I come from a very Italian family.
I am also Irish and German.
German was my minor in college.
I speak Spanish also.
Most people I work with don't speak good English.
Texas is a cruel state.
There was a tornado warning for my city last night, so I hung out in the bathroom with some other folks for a while. It was fun, until some lit up a ciggy.
I have an open mind and heart. I am empathetic for everyone,everywhere.
I am not a good housekeeper. I'd rather work.
I cook Italian food like you would not believe. But I only cook once in a while. Kat does most of the cooking.

Lunch is ham sandwiches, carrot sticks, cold baked chicken, and mangos (I am allergic to oranges). No dessert (I don't do the sweets thing either, except for chocolate for certain occasions) but I got water and Gatorade. See you around 12!

Wow, now I'm impressed! You rock. OK, once again I'll attack this in order of appearence.

Tell Kat that I'll bring a rolled up newspaper to swat her with, that'll keep the buggers off her.

I'll ask one of my brother in laws about Blake's 7. If it played in Victoria I guarantee he would have watched it. Plat School is still on, but Mr Squiggle and "Yes Miss Pat, yes Miss Pat" have been given their marching orders.

You're probably not missing anything on TV, I'm with you on the dribble statement 100%. But is there no free-to-air television where you are?

Try and be nice to your brother, I'm sure he loves you very much.

Will just have to tolerate rap while we have lunch. Just for you.

Don't understand where your smilies have got to. Look harder and report back as I'm starting to suspect they may have met with foul play.

What was your last partner on about? Strange fella. Please disclose first sad tale.

My parents live 300km away, I see them less and less because they don't like to make the journey down here as much as they used to. Age has made the drive about 1 hour too long for them. Say 6-10 times a year these days.

My sisters both live about 12km away, I see them a couple of times a week, often more. I go to see the kids, not them (this is what I tell them just to get a reaction which is usually "We know").

I saw my best friend virtually everyday for 25 years. Then I moved into my house and he's never visited me once. I suppose I don't have to pack kids in the car etc., but it's a shame because we were as close as 2 men should tastefully be.

You already know what I'm doing at uni, next....

I drink tea, not coffee. I can, but I prefer tea.

Done the fave colour.
Don't dye my hair
Don't do my nails
I hate shopping.
I hate shoppers.
I don't sleep enough.
Born in 1964 in a hospital just outside Melbourne.
When's Columbus Day?
I don't go to church, because the organised religion is against mine.
I believe in God, and I am going to heaven.
I believe in Science and that I evolved.
I like dogs, but can take insects and snakes or leave them. Especially the one that tried to bite me in my driveway about 3 years ago. Eastern Tiger snake - 4th deadliest in the world (I think all the top 10 are Australian? Need to check that). 15 times more deadly than a cobra.
Not a cat fan, can be nice to them but that's about it.
I smoke, and am about to attempt yet again to stop it. I hate it, it's disgusting and stupid but hey, so am I.
My housekeeping abilities don't warrant mentioning.
I could go for some Italian food. What does Kat cook?
Mangos are my favourite fruit, but I'm a bit curious as to the quality of the ones that you get over there. Do they compare to ours?
Lunch sounds great, can't wait to see you there.

Let's see...did I really write all that? I am listening to some GNR that I downloaded. You know, I really have been busy, and last night I tried to get in here, but my system kept booting me out, so I gave up. I am going to change systems soon, I think. I am tired of it.

Let me explain my past. You probably wouldn't want to talk to me afterwards. I have a very checkered past when it comes to men...

When I started on my degree (1990), I met a man and thought I was in love. I married him and had a boy with him. He became abusive and I left. My son is almost 13 now, born on my birthday (btw, Columbus day is October 12).

So I moved where I am now to get back into school and continue my education in a more "enlightning" environment. I met another man in 1998. He was the man of my dreams. I was head over heels for him. (This is sad tale #1 coming) I was blind. I never knew what hit me. We got married, and he begged me to have a child with him. Since my son was 6, and I wasn't getting any younger I told him that I would finish my last two semesters, and then we could have a baby. Well, that didn't suit him. He threw a fit. And I conceded. I decided that by the time I finished school I would be able to put the child in daycare and get the job I wanted. Anyway, I was taken aback by all the complications during my pregnancy. I spent my 3rd month on bedrest because of complications of placenta attachment (due in part to smoking...at the time I didn't know I was pregnant). It was when I was 5 months that my doctor detected an STD in me. It was Chlamidia (don't know how to spell it). Not fatal, not too bad of an infection since it was caught very early, but the donor of this STD was my husband. I was mad. I ripped him up one side and down the other. Apparently he had been cheating on me. So he left. I went into preterm labour, and spent the night in a hospital. The doctor was concerned because of the previous complication and the STD that I would not be able to carry the baby to term. I couldn't seem to get my husband to understand. But he came home about a week later. Then I spent more time in the hospital with high blood pressure. My last sonogram said the baby weighed over 8 lbs., so the doctor put me in for inducement. It was a very complicated delivery, with no pain medication in case of cerebral palsy. My little son weighed 9 lbs, 10 oz. when he was born. My husband started acting strange after he was born. I couldn't walk immediately after, and he was upset. He also didn't want to hold him. I had to quit school during the pregnancy, so I started back up after he was born. Well, that's when the preverbial poo hit the fan. I came home one day to find him and my son gone. I was in a tizzy. Then this guy and lady dropped them off. I asked who the lady was and he said it was an old friend and her husband coming to visit. NOT!!! Apparently, my husband was bi-sexual, and had been seeing the MAN!!!! I was devestated. I kicked him out and went over my options. Here I was with a 7 month old baby, an 8 year old, and my husband--god knows what he was showing them! So, he left and went to Kansas. We just got divorced after two years of fighting. I fought for child support (never got, and our son was 3 when we were divorced) and he fought to relinquish his parental rights. He got his way. It is for the best. So, the sad part is that I now have this wonderful son who will be 5 in July that has no father. I receive no help from anyone and it is all I can do to make ends meet for certain things. I only have 2 classes left. And I can't get into either of them right now because they are full! So, I prod on in my menial work, hoping one day to make it better.

OK. There's my tale. I don't feel much like writing anymore, so I guess that will be all for me today. If you still feel like talking to me, feel free. If you don't, I'll understand.

I couldn't think of a single reason to want to stop talking to you, but I could think of at least one good one to reply to this message the minute that I got it (after 4am - thank you very much for depriving me of sleep). And that is to tell you that I couldn't admire you anymore than I do right now, you're an inspiration. I also want to add that it's not you're fault that you've fallen in with the most dispicable side of the male gender. So your selection of partners stinks - take a number and join the queue. I think you'll find a fair slice of the global population picked up their stub first. All I can do is assure you that not all of us are like that, and that these guys are the reason that some women hate men - how could you blame them? I hate these types as much as they do, probably more because they're abolutely ruining things for the rest of us. I just hope that it hasn't completely put you off as well, because I don't want to lose contact with you because of someone else's sins. I'd like to know the boys names and a bit more about them, but instead of putting anymore personal details here you can e-mail me on [email protected] if you wish to, and I'd like that very much indeed. You sounded like you were getting upset towards the end, don't be. That won't help the boys, you, or me. So c'mon, back to the business of enjoying life for you. I insist.

A secret keeper, huh? Well, you sure do know how to put someone out on what they thought was an intellectual conversation. Why don't you tell everyone what you've been up to? It would be easier than me doing what I want to do...

You know why, I told you in the e-mail. Thanks for your messages, enjoyed the immensely, thought I might have another by now but I know you're working babe. When you get time.

I don't understand your message. You act as though the emails we've sent to each other have not existed. You haven't replied. This is absurd. I save everything and I know what you said. So what is with this "thought I'd have one by now"? I have sent emails that have not been responded to. Oh, well, it's all good now.

You're kidding baby. I've responded to every e-mail you've sent me and I have been waiting with baited breath for another - something is wrong. Please try again babe, and I'm going into e-mail to send you a message right now. I miss your witty banter.

really, now? I haven't received any emails. Try again. Maybe I am having technical difficulties. Or send to the other email address.

OK, I have now contacted both addresses. Please let me know as soon as possible if you don't receive anything by leaving another message here.