h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've now edited it, so please have a look. Are you still in school? I still can't believe you're only 17!!! Still, it will be great having my work criticised by a prodigy...

J

I am still in school, and i'm honoured that you think i'm a 'prodigy'.

Just read the new improved 'sun tan lotion', and it's good stuff. Detail at a good level, but not too obtrusive... like the way you tell the backstory and the tone's still quality. I like the final revelation of the twist, it fits nicely and it's well evoked. I'm impressed, you tell a good tale and it all comes together in a way that keeps the reader gripped.

Keep smiling

CARICATURE

I think I'm a bit past being a prodigy but I'll offer some comments anyway.

I love these twist in the tail things. They always impress me as I'm not clever enough to write them myself.

Maybe you could think about the journey to the twist a little more though. For a short story this covers an enormous timespan and a lot of events. Could you do just a few events in more detail? Build up the husband and wife relationship a little more? Might give your end even more impact.

Just a thought!

MegXXX

Good idea about the husband and wife relationship but I do want everything to be seen through the woman's eyes, as she's the one who ultimately sees the betrayal. Maybe more stuff about how she feels completely secure. I'll work on it! Thanks for your comments.

You're obviously a voracious reader and have a much older head on young shoulders. Studying for A levels? I found a diary I wrote when I was doing mine and it's positively cringe-making!! Don't let the bastards grind you down though. Keep writing.

Do you think that this ending is better than the first one? I've tried to take on everyone's comments.

I think you're right. More emphasis on the feelings of security and intimacy would then make your ending even more of a bombshell.

It would also mean that, as the approach the ending the reader's mind is focussed on the feelings rather than events. That way I think they will have more empathy with your main character.

I agree totally though, it's got to come from her perspective. Any sympathy generated for her husband will dilute the ending.

MegXXX

I'll work on it and let you knwo when it's posted.

J