Journal Entries
How long is a while?
Posted Mar 12, 2004
12,03,04
Woke up in the night because I dreamt there was a message from you.
All there was, was darkness, silence, sadness.
I wish I could stand in the sahara, in a sandstorm and the sand and wind would go through me and take away all my sorrows, form them into a huge black cloud and let it rain in the sahel-zone, where people would enjoy every single drop of water, so something positive would come from this.
My mind would be cleaned and my heart would be light again - but thats utopian - and I'm still enveloped in my sadness.
Broke the silence today and left you a message- no reply yet, and I don't know whether you got the message or not.
If you got it and chose not to answer I've probably said the wrong things again or made a mistake by leaving the message in the first place.
Looks as if I'm going to have to face another endless weekend.
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Latest reply: Mar 12, 2004
So sad
Posted Mar 11, 2004
11,03,04
Another day of silence.
I wonder how long that break will be- days,weeks,months,forever?
It's only three weeks ago-seems to be decades, not weeks- that you told me you'd learn to love the things you don't like about me- but then we were talking about a would-be life, conditional, not the real life, as it shows now.
I never promised to learn to love things I don't like about you,I only said I'd try to accept them- this is already difficult, but it's what I'm trying to do now.
To hurt you was the very last thing I ever thought I'd do, but it looks as if I've done exactly that.
Nobody I could talk to about my sorrow, nobody to console me...
I miss you so
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Latest reply: Mar 11, 2004
yesterday
Posted Mar 11, 2004
10,03,04
This is the third day we didn't talk and i am surprisingly calm.
I wonder how long the break will be or if you'll ever get in touch again.
I really miss talking to you, it's very strange to be cut off from every information about you, I ask myself how you are, what you are doing, whether you miss talking to me too.
I ask myself how it would be if you contacted me again, keeping at a safe distance, how I would cope with that, whether I'd be able to bear it or not.I'm afraid you'd never again let me get that near you, I've probably hurt and scared you too much, and the problem is, that my emotions for you haven't changed, but everything else has.
It would be great if i could just take a time out, not doing anything, just sleeping..
I've never before spent so much time curled up in bed, trying to lock out everything, trying to sleep so I don't have to think.
It's irrational, but somehow i'm still waiting and hoping that you will forgive me and perhaps give me a last chance, i'm so sad that i was such a failure in making you happy.
I'm still trying to analyse what made me react the way I did and why, but the only things I can up with are that I overreacted because I felt ignored and pushed back.I've been ignored for so many years, I'm very vulnerable the moment I think I'm being ignored by somebody who is so important to me. This is only showing my lack of confidence, I thought I wasn't worth being talked to, all my fears overwhelmed me once again.The knowledge that there would never be a WE didn't improve my mood, although it didn't prevent me from wishing that there could be a We in the very far future.But then again i tried to be realistic, i think that's why i set all my hopes in a meet in summer- to enjoy your presence just once in my life.Now i have spoilt everything and i'll have to live with it.
I wish i could send this to you, but it's impossible, I promised not to bother you again but it costs me all my willpower to keep this promise, i want to talk to you , to hold you tight, to look into your eyes, to apologise, but it's too late, i'll never have the chance to do so.
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Latest reply: Mar 11, 2004
Sahara
Researcher U649300
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