Journal Entries
Okay, this thing has multiple thoughts in it, so you don't have to read them all... actually, you don't HAVE to read any of them. Though I would prefer it is you at least read some of it.
Posted Mar 6, 2004
Okay, first of all, sorry for not being on here for ages, I've just been a little busy... actually, I haven't just I haven't been on the computer much, instead I've been wasting my spare time by sitting alone in the dark doing nothing.... man, is my life boring.
Anyway, I have a friend who I only speak to on MSN who lives in Texas USA, and he goes on a website where you put journal entries and stuff.... hmm, kinda like this... anyway, so I go and read his journals whenever I am on just to see how stuff is going with him. I just read his most recent entry and the basic gist of it is that he is somewhat emotionless, which majorly sucks, and like an example he has there is when his dad died a couple of years ago, he didn't feel sad and he didn't feel any pain or anything, even though he wanted to mourn, and he wanted to cry, he just couldn't. And of course with the whole not feeling bad emotions comes not feeling good emotions either, so he says that he's just empty.
This is odd because like, he's saying that he's all empty and emotionless and stuff, and it sucks and he would do anything to not be empty. Meanwhile for most of my life I have been wishing that I could rid myself of emotion because, well, they suck. *starts thinking hmmm... I need to get me some antidepressants 'cause I hear they get rid of emotions of all sorts... then again I am not insane enough to get them.... actually, I probably am, but I don't share my insanity with anyone who could lead me to antidepressants*
Oh, and the other odd thing with this is that he's saying that he doesn't have any emtions or something around the lines of that, but if he didn't have any emotions, then not having emotions wouldn't be able to bother him... but it does, so he must have emotions! Maybe he just blocks out good emotions and strong bad emotions... like me! 'Cause like, I am pretty sure I do that, though when I am blocking out strong bad emotions, if I really try to feel them I can feel them (which I do do when I need to 'cause I know how bad it is to bottle bad emotions up inside.... though I don't get the bad emotions out often enough which leads to stuff liek the otehr week in Science I started crying in the middle of it 'cause I suddenly felt ridiculously sad, luckily only my friend Ansuya noticed...) and with the blocking out of good emotions... well, not really blocking out, but whenever something happens that should make me happy or something, I don't feel the goodness, I just start to panic 'cause I know that if I do feel the goodness, when it goes away, I won't be able to take having the good feelings leave me... am I insane? I'm insane. Ah! I'm panicing and I don't know why!!! *starts to hyperventilate*
Oh, and another thing which is completely unrelated to anything I've said so far. I always get little bits of songs stuck in my head for ages and I think about the lyrics of that bit for that whole time, and usually thinking about the lyrics doesn't mean much to me, but like the bit of song I have stuck in my head at the moment, the lyrics are really getting me think... Okay, I'll tell you where the lyrics are from so that if you actually care about what I am saying you can know what I am thinking of by looking up the lyrics. It is from KoRn's song Hollow Life the bit from the first time they say "Is there ever wonder..." to the end of the little bit after that like where it's going "What to say? Am I alive? Am I asleep? Or have I died?" Like, probably the reason this bit has been getting me thinking so much is because lately I have been wondering what religion I truly am, I mean, when people ask me I say that I'm atheist. But like I am always blaming this on God 'cause I am so sure he hates me (yet I don't believe he exists *suddenly becomes really confused*), and also I believe in witches, like proper witches not story book witches with pointy hats and all that jazz.
So anyway, the bit in this bit of Hollow Life where it says "Where is God? Looking down? We don't know." yeah, that's getting me thinking that it's right, we don't know anything, and the chances are we never will... Also the chances are that there is nothing to know. But then again, how can there be nothing to know, when we know nothing? I mean, for all I know I am not here, I may well not be anywhere. I might be everything! Then again I might be nothing. Great, I've just made myself more confused. Well, that's what I get for believing in everything while at the same time believing in nothing at all.
Well, I think I have wasted far too much space. To all those who are kind enough to have read this, please reply to it and answer some of my questions which I haven't actually asked.... well, I did ask one that I remember which was am I insane, so if you don't answer any of my unasked questions, at leats answer that one.
Farewell everyone.
Discuss this Journal entry [9]
Latest reply: Mar 6, 2004
Hahaha, she's so stupid.
Posted Feb 12, 2004
It was really funny about 2 days ago at school when we were doing sustainable futures so we were down at the farm, and we were looking at earth worms and I was naming them all Jim... anyway, Gavin (one of the guys at the farm) was showing us some clump of dirt with lots of holes in it where worms had been, and then a girl in my class asked him whether that's how they make the cheese with all the holes in it and Gavin was just like "No.... people probably wouldn't eat that cheese if there had been worms all through it." Hahaha, she's so stupid, she's always asking questions like that. She's good for a laugh.
Anyway... there was something else I was gonna say!! God damn it, I should write these things down! It's probably not that interesting. But I know that I thought of it when I was in the library and then I remembered it in the library, so maybe if I think like I'm in the library, I'll remember! Damn, I can't do that now 'cause there's this guy online on MSN now that I was flirting with yesterday, I'm not actually interested in him, I'm just screwing with his head.
See ya, y'all.
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Latest reply: Feb 12, 2004
My general thoughts and stuff
Posted Jan 24, 2004
Yeah, now that Chris has gone to bed (damn her) I haven't got anything to do, so I have decided just to write a long, and most likely boring journal entry that will pretty much be just filled with what my brain is thinking... Oh god, think means that Chris will probably see how my brain works... then again maybe she won't really 'cause seeing that my brain knows that I am typing what it is thinking then it'll purposely think differently so that people won't figure out the mystery that is, how it works. Hmmmm.... now, what to think about? Ain't that just my luck, now when I need to think about something I can't think of anything, although when I was thinking about doing this journal entry I was thinking about typing something that would take up a fair bit of my time which would be good, but it probably ain't exactly the mpst suitable thing ever and I am not sure whether it's the kind of thing that everyone'd be happy for Chris to know (sorry Chris)... although my mind is probably gonna end up rambling about it and I won't bother making my mind change the subject so y'all'll (that's an odd word) probably find out sooner or later. You know, it seems like the thing to do when you've got nothing to do and it's 12:26 AM that you'd go to bed? But then again I am hoping that my friend Liam is at his mum's house now where they have MSN on their computer and hopefully he'll come online so I can talk to him 'cause I haven't spoken to him all week. Well, if he isn't on tonight I sure hope he's on tomorrow night... Hey, do you know what'd be cool in that really pathetic and lame way? See, I've been thinking, just for the hell of it, I might start refering to myself in third person.... but then again I'm usually on the internet and typing "Danielle" is so much harder than typing "I" although it would make thing more interesting.... maybe. My gum has lost its flavour, I would spit it out, but I have no more gum so if I did that then I'd have nothing to chew, although I could bite at that empty Coke can but that isn't that easy on my teeth... maybe I -do- have some gum left. *rummages around in my purse for a while* Nope, no gum, though I have decided that I should probably get all of the rubbish out of there... I'm probably boring you people, aren't I? Ok, this definitely isn't how my brain thinks. Ok, I'm gonna try to get my brain to be normal... although I do hope that doesn't lead to there being any voices in my head 'cause then I'd be confused about whether I should write what the voices are saying or not.... I know what would help me be normal! Music! Now.... should I listen to Korn, System of a Down or Manson? Well... I was gonna listen to Dirty earlier... why didn't I end up putting that song on anyway? Hold on, I'm gonna go find my headphones and put on some music! ... And spit out this gum 'cause I can't stand it anymore, it's so flavourless! Ah, yes, music, good. Only problem is that now it makes me wanna sing along. *winks for no real reason* That reminds me! I never asked Rebecca who told her the thing about Kerri, I have been planning to do that for days... I wonder if I'd be outrageous if I went and woke her up right now to ask her... probably. *frowns* This song is making me sad, and the fact that I haven't eaten anything since when I first woke up today makes me hungry. Hey! My thumbnail tastes like gum... nope, lost its flavour. ah, and now the song is over.... now I have to pick another song to listen to.... I'll just press the previous song button heaps and then settle with whatever it lands on. Cool, now I am listening gto Manson.... speaking of Manson why don't I have Mechanical Animals in my play list? And yes, in my normal thoughts I do ask questions, sometimes I even ask questions that involve the word "you" so it implies that I am expecting someone to reply... I guess I'm just odd. Hmmm.... all this typing and thinking and listening to songs that make me sad is making me sleepy... but I don't wanna go and then have Liam come online. I wanna talk to him about the thing about Kerri that Rebecca got told by someone and something else around the lines of that... I would say more but I really wouldn't want to say and then have Chris read (as I said before: sorry Chris) and this isn't me keeping my secrets from her or nothin' just I think I should be keeping Bec's secrets from her unless I know that she has agreed to tell no one and stuff 'cause I don't know if Bec wants everyone knowing stuff about her that I know and stuff, that I shouldn't know but someone told em and then I had to pretend to not know and then when Rebecca was trying to get me to tell her something she got me to tell her what I know about her but she doesn't know I know, and then I said, and then she said she thought that's what I knew, and then she said that she knew the thing about Kerri and I asked her who told her that, and she said that she wouldn't tell unless I told the thing that she wanted me to tell, and then she guessed the thing, and the she made me cry (how cruel) and then I tried to get her to leave me alone, but she wouldn't and then I asked her is she'd now tell me who told her about the thing about Kerri, and she just seemed to just not answer my question and change the subject to the fact that everyone thinks that our brother must be gay (can I say that? if I can't, I'm sorry, it doesn't seem bad, but it might be). I wonder if any of this will make sense to anyone... Probably won't, but making people confused is fun! *scrolls up* Man, I've written a lot. I'm just gonna asume that no one will ever bother reading all of this.... so I should probably stop writing. I might as well just go to bed, I mean, Liam usually comes online a bit closer to midnight, so he probably won't be on tonight, unless he's out drinking with Rochelle and people like that and then he'll come home and go on, but then he'd probably not be that helpful, although I do really wanna talk about him. Well, anyway, I said I was gonna go to bed and I'm gonna stick by that... in fact I think that I'm gonna be so lazy that I'll just go to my brother's bed (which is in this room) 'cause he is staying at Natalie's house tonight (Natalie's his girlfriend.) Ending journal entry nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnow.
Discuss this Journal entry [3]
Latest reply: Jan 24, 2004
manson_rocks - When all of your wishes are granted, many of your dreams will be destroyed.
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