h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Gee, what I wouldn't give for some woman to hit on me simply because I was sitting alone in a move theatre.

I guess the grass is always greener.

Yeah, 'hit' might be the right word, and you might lose your wallet in the process.

And she might not be much of a looker. And she might not give you much choice. And she might be a he.

Sadly, the real world (well, here in London) is not so nice as you'd like it to be.

Yeah, I guess New Plymouth ain't too bad, even if technically it's the sticks (in London terms). Just a smalltown boy at heart - just call me Clark

Mind you, they wouldn't get too much out of my wallet. The most valuable thing in my wallet is my Video Library Card and Cinema Loyalty Coupons. I don't carry much money because its just so easy to buy things using EFTPOS.

Had a quick conference with office Londoners, but 'sticks' has drawn a blank.

Is EFTPOS a plastic card, by chance?

You get Cinema Loyalty Coupons? Is this to stop you driving miles and miles to the next cinema? For all the films I see I should be a coupon millionaire, but sadly there's no such reward around here.

1) Loyalty Cards - get it stamped each time I go to the flicks, see four, get the fifth for (excluding "No Complementaries" movies though).

There are two other cinemas in the Taranaki region. A Cinema 2 in Hawera, about an hour's drive away, and a Cinema 1 in Stratford, about 40 minutes drive. But NP's Top Town isn't really in competition, because they get all the new movies first. I guess they just take pity on poor sad gits like myself and realise the cash cow that we are. If only they'd have a Popcorn Addicts Card...

2) An EFTPOS card is indeed a plastic card, the same one I use to get money from an ATM. Stands for Electronic Funds Transfer to Point Of Sale. All the shops have a little machine you swipe your card through and enter your PIN number for any item you wish to purchase, and you can even get them to give you money in cash.

3) My apologies. "the sticks" or usually "in the sticks" - a rural area considered backward or remote. There's a picture of New Plymouth beside the dictionary entry.

I will be demanding a loyalty incentive on my next visit. For goodness sake, you can't drive around with corner without bumping into a multiplex, so if they want my business they'd better try harder! (Please don't tell them I'm bluffing!)

I am a big fan of the plastic card which takes the money out of your bank account (debit card). But I absolutely refuse to get a credit card, though no one sends me more mail than credit card companies practically begging me to become a customer.

New Plymouth sounds real nice. I guess in an ideal world we'd live somewhere like that, but somehow be only a short drive from a place like London.

I've got your next remake for you:

War of the Worlds

with Michael Caine

Interesting! MC would make a convincing alien: "You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!"

There was an album of the same donkey's years ago with so-so music, but forever etched in my mind because of the compelling narration by Richard Burton. One of my all-time favorite voices, along with Burt Lancaster.

Continuing your Sci-fi theme, don't you think 'Forbidden planet' is due a makeover?

There was a rumour of a remake a while back, but nothing seems to have surfaced.

Coincidentally, a musical of "Return to Forbidden Planet" is doing the rounds of the country. Musicals seem to be all the rage here for some unfathomable reason.

BTW I thought you weren't too big on Shakespeare, what with FP being loosely based on The Tempest and all?

(My fave play as it happens)

There's a robot in The Tempest? Gee, I missed out!

Let me update you on our latest cinematic experiences:

* Dr Dolittle 2 - this was a mistake. Sorry, let me rephrase that, we went to see 'The Parole Officer', but to our great surprise it had sold out, so in a rushed decision we went to see Eddie Murphy talk to the animals. Well, it wasn't very good, but it had its moments, and I like the chameleon. The animals were done better than Cats and Dogs.

* Final Fantasy - perhaps I should have paid more attention to the rest of the title, The Spirits Within. Amazing step forward in animation, wonderfully imaginative effetcs and design, but the story was ruined by all that Gaia garbage.

* The Parole Officer - second time lucky for us, and worth the effort. A Brit com starring some guy that everyone knows except me. But the film was quite funny, and very British.

Well, I saw Apes. It reminds me a little of Gulliver's Travels. Mark Wahlberg doesn't really seem like the "star", without giving too much away he seems more like a catalyst.

The Apes are definitely the stars, and Burton's production values don't disappoint.

The twists are reasonably twisty enough and there's an interesting theological thread that amused me.

It opens here on Friday. When I first heard of this remake, I thought "Oh no!" But the trailers have been promising.

On the subject of remakes, I've just checked out a trailer for The Time Machine, which I saw at CountingDown website (but I'm not allowed to tell you the url). Not much of a trailer - just telling you there's going to be a film, I guess.

I admit that when I saw the original Tiem Machine when I was a kid, I was scared.

Heard about it, seen the occasional retrospective clip, but not watched the whole thing.

Doctor Who used to scare the crap out of me as a child.

Sapphire & Steel did as well. Nursery rhymes and World War I marching songs never sounded so chilling...

I don't like being scared at movies. I avoid all horror films.

I think my biggest 'jump' at the theater was almost 20 years ago, watching An American Werewolf in London. The guy has a horrible dream, wakes up. But he hasn't woken up, and we get a shock when he draws the curtain - I don't know where I landed, but that really, really caught me by surprise!

Do men try very hard not to jump, or are you just less easily frightened?

Most horror movies are too predictable and formulaic to scare me or my mates. Most movies these days try to gross you out rather than scare. Abbattoirs with better cinematography.

The last time I 'jumped' was during that shark film Deep Blue Sea or something. Not due to the sharks, mind you or the acting - someone fired a flare gun. Big loud bang that took me completely off-guard.

Not so much a jump you understand (he said puffing out his chest and lowering his voice), more of a jolt.

Restrained, manly jolt...

...performed in a manly way...

No yelp, then?

I'm trying to remember my reaction to Jaws, but I can't. I was told that the end of Carrie has a real surprise, but I've avoided seeing the film to this day.

In an attempt to dig further into your manliness, perhaps I could ask if the sad/sentimental bits in films ever bring tears to your eyes?

Well, the Iron Giant for starters left me misty-eyed. I'm seriously hanging out to see it again.

The final of MASH near the very end with BJ spelling out Goodbye with the flagstones.

The final episode of Blackadder Goes Forth, with Edmund and the gang about to go over the top, the guns falling silent...

And while it hasn't brought to a tear to mine eye, the excellent Brassed Off sure does tug at the heartstrings something fierce.

Oh, and onions. No matter how quickly I dice them.

I'm a non-cook, but aren't you supposed to do onions under water to avoid the tears?

I seem to remember shedding a few tears watching Taras Bulba when the epnoymous Yul Brynner shot his screen son Tony Curtis. (I saw that on the TV, I might add, not in the theater in 1962!)

I've tried chopping onions under water but its difficult to see through the face-mask and snorkel, and it makes the bathtub smell funny.

There are a number of theories about onions, chop with a lighted candle nearby, chop the bearded end off last...

I just try to make the business of chopping as quickly as possible.