h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A thousand apologies, m'girl! It just shows MY age! In the 60's you of course would have been old enough to have landed me behind bars just for looking!

Royalty? I'm ambivalent. When you say 'Diana' or 'Andrew' or 'Wills', I'm a royalist. When you say 'Anne' or 'Charles' I'm a bloody republican!
We have a king too - the Zulu tribe has a king, and the Xhosas, and the Ndebele and the ...!

W-a-a-a-a-y back in my lineage (sometime after 1066) there used to be a feudal title of sorts, but the family lost it (lust it?) over a case of 'first night' with the wrong bride! There seems to have been some erring outside the wedbed as well which turned us into common or garden riff-raff! Of course most families had an errent son or two that had to go out to South Africa 'for their health, you know' to escape some scandal or other...Many is the unofficial change of surname that took place on the boat over if you know what I mean, nudge-nudge, wink-wink, say-no-more!

Fathers Day wuz great! I took Michelle on pillion with me when I returned the GS and she was scared stiff when I accelerated off on the way - she's used to my bike with only half the power. She loved the ride!

CU !

PS: I've seen an underpants thing out here in a fleamarket with an elephant's face on it - complete with a hollow trunk that reaches down to your ankles. Do you think that might fit John?

You're of course forgiven for you wok-sized blunder WR .

I must admit, looking back at my old pictures (I'll have to scan one to send you!) that I must have been what constituted as 'jail bait', which is probably why my Dad was so strict with me. Eventually I rebelled so strongly that for a year or so went completely 'off the rails'. Fortunately, I still managed to pass all my school exams although heaven knows how, as I didn't do any revision and even bowled into my history exam having previously partaken of a recreational drug and still attained a level 2 pass, which I put down to being so relaxed! Ordinarily I can't remember names, dates and places at all!

I 'mostly' came to my senses by age 17 when I even gave up smoking...

I think that errant sons were a must way back when...Escaping scandal hey? You should do some family research and see what you come up with.

John's mum managed to trace her family tree right back to 1066. However, their branch of the family diverged from the posh, titled and landed side about 150 years ago and their last family heir and the spitting image of John too, died during the 1920's and the stately home is now owned by the National Trust.

The last time that Mair rode pillion on John's bike, she was too small to reach the footrests! Does Jenny go on runs with you at all?

Elephant underpants? LOL! To be honest, it's the girth of the WAISTBAND that's a challenge in John's case!

Aren't I a rotten wife? Tsk! Shame on me!

I talk to you so often in so many places I have trouble remembering what quise I'm in!

(Knock Knock! Who's there? Hyawatha! Hyawatha who? Hyawatha good boy until I met you!)

Actually I think I wath a rather bad boy in my youth! I got drunk for the first time and started smoking at 13 (I gave up the weed at 26) finally lost my virginity at 15 (after 2 years of trying!) I do remember sitting my school finals (at 16) with a girlfriend three weeks late!

I have calmed down and mellowed in my actions since then, but I've a naughty mind, in case you hadn't noticed! I enjoy a good joke and try to see the funny side in all situations. Jenny thinks I'm very kinky ...

(What's the difference between erotic and kinky? If you use a feather it's erotic. Use a chicken - you're kinky!)
But I don't use chickens, dear...!

Does that mean that you abuse chickens instead then?

No Gwennie, I only EAT chickens! And guinea-fowl, duck, partridge...

That sounds like John's sea food diet...He sees food and eats it, especially if it's chocolate coated!

Having discovered that one of my mail (male? ) order catalogues had a selection of clothing for extra tall and extra large chaps, I ordered some for John. They arrived yesterday and he's really pleased with them. Mair and I have a bet on as to how long it is before he ruins them with oil/paint/plaster/thinners....

The first thing you should buy John is extra long overalls!

*A man in a restaurant orders a green-salad-no-dressing, a mineral water and a wholewheat-roll-no-butter. The waiter raises his eyebrow. 'It's my diet, you know...' the man replies.
When he is finished, the waiter clears the plate. 'Now bring me a double whisky and soda, Lobster Thermidor, Duck l'Orange and the menu to choose my dessert.
Again, the waiter raises his eyebrow.
'I've had my diet - now I'm going to have my LUNCH!' *

LOL!

John has overalls, although it took some time to find new ones that would fit him, but he always likes to wear them with the top half rolled down and the sleeves tied at the waist, so his t-shirt still get plastered in whatever substance he's currently playing with.

I remember when our relationship was still relatively new, the first time that I saw John wipe a car's dipstick on his t-shirt and at the time thought that he was going to be 'difficult' to house train!

That reminds me...Have you given a copy of the male bashing Email that I sent you to Jenny?

Jenny's not only read it, now she wants a copy to further disseminate among similarlyminded teacher types at school...

I'd offer to sent John a club T-shirt but I'd hate to have it used as a greasecloth! I find that after year or so of washing, my T-shirts get shorter (I know it must be the shirts - I'm not getting taller). So now I use last year's T-shorts when I work on the bike or car. I also used to roll down the top of my overalls until I accidentally bought a two piece overall. Since then I only wear two piece ones. They're not as good if you spend time on your back under the car, but otherwise I find they are less restrictive.

I've got a lot of minor electical work to do today - we have 2 big gigs coming up on 29th and 5th and I must check guitar and microphone chords and solder stuff...

Havahappyday!

T-shirts getting shorter must be a male thing as many of John's have also gone the same way...

Personally I think that it's due to his stomach protruding further and lifting the front of the t-shirt up...

I forgot that Jenny is a teacher! I have a genuine list of incorrect GCSE examination answers thingee that is seriously funny and should be right up her street and I'll pop them into the ether.

Two piece overalls hey? I'd have to remind John not to try to roll down the bottom half as he's so used to wearing the all-in-one type (or romper suits as I call 'em).

Mind you don't electrocute yourself between the guitar and microphone!

One-piece overalls were coarsely called f**ksuits when I was in the Navy doing national service. I suppose that could be a translation from romp-her!

Don't joke about shocking yourself on the mike! When you play an electric guitar, the strings are live and the mike is earthed. There is nothing more shocking than pressing your lips to the metal shield of the mike and getting ZAPPED! I now have a 'foam thingee' over the mouth end of the mike to stop my sensitive lips from catching it!

Years ago (in the 60's) I had a girlfriend whose parents put in a thick shaggy-pile synthetic carpet. I called to visit and walked over to her. As our lips touched in greeting the static discharge was loud enough for her parents to hear across the room! After that we would shake hands first before !

What time is it with you WR? Are you up late?

You'll should stop trying to the microphone WR!

Perhaps the static electrickery was a cunning ploy on the part of your old flame's parents to prevent intimate contact!

In my case, our family corgi used to growl and bark if any boyfriends tried to touch me! She'd jump on the sofa and wriggle her way length wise between us and any contact was immediately growled at! When prevented from jumping on the sofa, she'd nip the intruders ankles!

I forgot to ask you whether you've read any of Tom Sharp's novels...You must remember when he was deported from SA for writing 'Riotous Assembly'.

I've just finished listening to the audio novel of Tom Sharp's 'Vintage Stuff' read by Stephen Fry, even though I have read it already.

I'm afraid I don't know of Tom Sharp - but I do know an architect whose home was called 'Riotous Assembly' - it got him into trouble with the Apart-haters too. Our family wasn't politically active but we just got on with 'normal, non-discriminatory' life. Me mum was a Girl Guide Chief Commissioner and was regularly getting some official letter or other about the GG's being multiracial, etc.

Recently, Mom went to the Kruger National Park where she stayed with the local minister, an old schooldays friend of mine. He came from a staunch Nationalist Afrikaans family that were supporters of 'the system'. He said that the thing he remembers the most and is most thankful to us was how we treated people of colour, especially our domestic help. It enabled him to get away from the prejudice and oppressive views of his own family!

I regret that I am not an avid reader - I just don't have time! I leave for work at 6:15 and only get back at 19:00, so when I do have time I try to spend it with the Jenny + kids. If I try to read in bed, I last about two minutes and

On our recent holiday, I read three books in four days, Leon Uris etc. Great to have the time! I also wrote a piece for hootoo, but I'm holding it back for my host to do some legal stuff around reserving a name before I publish... If you promise not to 'leak it', I'll send you an advance copy for your inputs and comments.

Got your article, read it and am totally impressed! Well done you! You're obviously very experienced at stoepsitting in order to be able to construct such a detailed article. I must own up to never having previously heard of said past time although it sounds suspiciously similar to what's commonly known as 'dossing' in the UK!

Did it take you long to type it out, or are you at home with a keyboard?

I wish that I had the where with all to write 'stuff' - any kind of 'stuff'! Someone suggested that I write a guide entry on autism, but I'm afraid that it would turn into a rant about my own unhappy experiences with Local Education Authorities, Health Authorities and the Govt's attitude to the MMR vaccination.

The problem of not being able to stay awake to read is one of life's little annoyances with me too. I went to bed early to read last night and must have managed all of two pages before I nodded off! Nowadays, I content myself with sometimes taking up to a month to read a book or instead listening to a vast array of audio novels borrowed from my local public library whilst I'm ploughing my way through jungles of ironing.

The last Conservative Govt were making plans to privatise our national library system and I'm still not convinced that New Labour hasn't just sneakily put it on the back burner...

I digress (as usual)!

At the moment I'm listening to 'Moab is my Washpot', an autobiography of Stephen Fry and read by the author. I love the way he talks/writes and I could listen to him for ages.

Tom Sharp's book 'Riotous Assembly' and its sequel 'Indecent Exposure' are both very rude send-ups of the SA police force and the then govt and are some of the funniest books that I've read. I would imagine that it would be possible to obtain a copy nowadays in SA but if not perhaps I could reciprocate the offer of a Pretoria m/c t-shirt by sending you a copy of Riotous Assembly.

My first experience of racial prejudice was from within my own family when much to my complete amazement, my father forbade me to go out with a boy because of the colour of his skin! What is even more shocking is that our doctor and family friend was black! I think that was one of the major turning points in my life and when I decided that my parents and should part company on several levels.

I just hope that Mair never ends up feeling the same way about her parents.

I learned to touch-type in the Navy during National Service (1972). Since then I have found that I type so much now, I can scarcely write ten words by hand at a time! I spend six to ten hours a day at a computer and most of that time I'm writing reports, drafting policy documents, doing project correspondence and the like.

When I first joined the Public Service in 1987 I was the most computer-literate architect in the employ of the Provincial Government. I PUSHED like hell at the time to get PC's for everyone, but had to make do with an old MANUAL typewriter for the first two years! Since then, our department has become the most IT advanced in the Gauteng Province and I don't even draft memos, letters or suchlike by hand - I type directly and compose on screen! Hit save or send and it's done! I do the work of an architect and a typist already - now do you think I can get them to allocate me a measly admin clerk to actually take the letters to the photostat machine one floor down to get the copies made - NO WAYS!

Jenny can't understand how I can do it - but I can't imagine life without my laptop. I take it everywhere I go - building sites, meetings, whatever. That way I've got the letters, memos, plans etc. at hand anywhere, anytime. (I've got a 20Gig harddrive)

I got my bent for writing at school. My English master in high school, Bob Batley (now deceased, I'm afraid) insisted that every high school senior should write two foolscap pages of their own work in their journals every week. Every Monday he religiously read and critiqued every students work. It made no difference what you wrote -essay, poem, review of a film, a diary, whatever. His only requirement was that it had to be original and your own work.

Since that day I have found myself writing my own thoughts in some form or another. I've written (bad) poetry - usually free verse - songs, diary entries, stories, biking articles - a real licorice allsorts. (I've actually written my own erotic stories too!) Not a week goes by that I do not thank BB for his strategy of good habit development! But I never got to say that to his face perhaps a public admission such as this will make amends.

He also started and championed the debating society at high school. Every second Friday after second break, the last two periods were devoted to public speaking. Two presentation of five minutes each and a half hour debate between two two-man teams (it was a boys school remember!) I can now speak to meetings, communities, strangers and the like without embarrassment or mumbling. My late father taught me the three rules of public speaking - Stand up, Speak up and Shut up! Bob's debating just gave me opportunity to practice them!
THANK YOU BOB!
Now all I kneed two lurn iz speling!

It's nice to know that the armed forces teach their boys something useful other than how to kill people.

I love being able to type and it is one of the few useful things that I learned at school, apart from how to misbehave!

What a fantastic sounding teacher you had and you were fortunate indeed to have had him tutor you. I joined the scrap heap of dunces when I failed my Eleven Plus (aged 10) and was dumped in a secondary modern where we were trained to be factory/office fodder.

One of the girls in the Drool Thread 'writes a bit' and she too has written erotic and what she calls slash Stargate fan fiction.

There is a large amount of fiction scattered all over the net and some of it is very good, although I admit to only reading 'fan' fiction for some of the sci-fi series that I watch. I do draw the line at watching t.v. soap operas though!

This evening I've had problems with not being able to download Emails and there seems to be a problem with my server. (Just in case you've sent me an Email recently!)

I'll check in the morning - it's midnight here and I'm ... must

Sweet dreams....

*dreaming of with two handfuls, two hazelnuts in tight stolen uniform and seamed fishnet tights*