h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Politicians not answering questions is irritating; that the good ones are those who best avoid the question leaves a firm question-mark under the efficacy of this aspect of democracy.

The deputy prime minister here, a Mr john Prescott, is a kind of relic from the old 'left', who has made an uneasy transition to the modern age, and appears to be keeping his post purely for being loyal. He used to speak his mind in the old days. Now he tries to be like a 'good' politician, but sadly nothing he says makes any real sense if you read it afterwards. All the right words, several almost right words, and lots of completely wrong words, wrapped in a semantically-challenged package.

The last few years here have been absorbed with 'spin'; the heretical idea that politicians rather than journalists should dictate the 'flavor' of reporting. Is it the same in NZ?

Ironically it's mostly former journalists that are the key spindoctors. Usually lured away from the purity and often spartan existence of the reporter's life by huge wads of cash. The Communications Manager for the South Taranaki District Council is one of the country's top feature writers. She was at the NZ Herald (a national paper based in Auckland) for 10 years on about 30K a year, which is laughable. She now has the opportunity to make twice that writing press releases for the council. Which would you choose?

Prescott was the one who belted the farmer who egged him, right? If he is, he certainly leteveryone know what was on his mind then!

Indeed, so you heard about his little boxing bout! I think that's what's known as 'reverting to type'!

Just to give me an idea, what is 30K in US$ or UK£?

At current rates $1 NZ = £ 0.26/28 so 30 K is about eight or nine grand.

In one of those curious turns of events that seem to happen every now and then in this universe of ours. JP's little incident happened just half a day before I interviewed the aforementioned party leader. And they're both acquainted! So we were having a little chat about it afterwards, apparently JP did some boxing in the merchant marines or something. We recounted all the little scuffles between our illustrious leaders and the plebs. Still, we've had two women PMs and no-one's been handbagged yet!

8 or nine grand? Barely enough to keep you in cappuccino!

The famous handbagging of Mrs (now 'Lady') Thatcher is more of a verbal onslaught. And it appears she has emerged to have a go at British Muslims in today's 'Times' newspaper (which you can read on the web). I think she lost the plot years ago, because her comments today seem to fly in the face of reality (ooh, pardon my clichés).

Perhaps a highly pejorative letter from me to The Times might be in order: "Sir, why has it taken the Iron Lady over three weeks to summon up the moral courage to offer grudging condemnation ot the attacks in the US. Could it be jealousy that her friend Ronald Reagan had an airport named after him, whereas nothing whatsoever has been named after her. British Muslim leaders, the object of her venemous attack, might like to try out the proposed laws against inciting religious hatred on her. Or maybe Tony Blair could make her Ambassador to Afghanistan. Obediently yours, etc."

Splendid stuff, my little muck-raker!

The Baroness is now more a relic of the Tories' Golden Age (as they would have it). Wheeled out at party conferences to rally the party faithful.

Funny, but I was sure the handbagging actually happened - didn't she whack or jab a journo or something?

Ah, now here's a link I can give, because it's the dear old BBC: http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/special_report/1999/02/99/e-cyclopedia/newsid_325000/325857.stm

Look under 'H', of course.

I stand corrected, my Iron Lady.

I wonder if the term 'handbagging' is sexist? Not that I care!

I mean, would it be 'walleted' for men? Or would you be happy if someone said you had given a good handbagging?

Depends how much they paid me to do it.

I would (because I'm so obviously an expert on such things) that 'handbagging' is a sexist term. It suggests an ineffectual attack, a lot of flurried action, but nothing seriously damaging. And without wishing to impose any gender stereotypes. women often carry handbags (and in MT's case, the inference is an older housewife's handbag).

My wallet wouldn't do much damage, what with there being so little contained within it.

For a strong verbal assault, I prefer to give someone 'a good b*****king'. Which probably sounds just as dodgy as "giving a good handbagging".

'B*****king' is probably too strong even for he tabloids, who prefer 'scathing attacks' and 'launched a tirade', etc.

I have never used my handbag as a weapon. Er, well almost never. But I suspect I have dealt out my share of handbaggings!

If it's not too personal a question, what do you keep in your handbag?

Haven't we been down this road berfore?

I haven't been using a handbag for three weeks now. One of the girls downstairs had hers snatched, and she was pulled to the ground in the process. Mark said carrying a handbag is asking for it. So, after giving him a bloody good handbagging for being so crass, and accepting a totally unexpected apology from the same (a rare event), I just thought about it, and wondered if I really needed it.

I've been leaving things I used to keep in my handbag in strategic places, such as the desk and the glove compartment in my car. But it's a pain, and I really miss having the bag with me. So I shall probably cave in soon, and treat myself to a lovely new handbag.

And an outfit to go with it, of course!

Ok since we've apparently discussed your handbag's contents (I just don't remember, sorry), you say you've been without it for three weeks. How have you been carrying your stuff around without it? Pockets stuffed to bursting? Or have you simply cut down on stuff you carry?

I've had to wear jeans every day, except for when I wear a jacket. I have two credit cards and some notes. I tend to leave coins lying around, or put them in boxes. My car key and two house keys are in my pocket, and I hate that. Someone suggsted I try a bum bag, and I told them where they could go.

Why am I putting myself thru this? I think I'll go shopping after lunch!

Oh, and I must apologise; it seems it's only been nine days, not three weeks. I can't believe it!

As someone who tends to carry a lot of stuff, I'm always interested in how others wrangle with their possessions.

I have a briefcase which usually is filled with maps, meeting agendas, press releases, my little business card book, spare pens and of course my notepad. It also contains business cards and occasionally my cellphone (usually depending on how full the bag already is).

I generally prefer coats with capacious pockets that don't look to bulging when full. My phone can often be found there, as well as loose change, my wallet, EFTPOS receipts and an asthma inhaler. Breathmints can usually be found somewhere on my person.

I find jeans particularly comfortable for carrying things, well not my pair of jeans anyway. Many an unhappy incident has occurred with an asthma inhaler concealed in the front pocket.

Is there an "un" missing there?

Damn it! Hole in my pocket!

'Amelie' opens today. I'm a bit suspicious: the trailer is not very good, and the critics are falling over themselves (ooh, another journalist cliché!) to praise it.

Then there's 'Driven': an ageing Sly who now writes movies. I'll be going to watch it, but with low expectations, which might mean I'll enjoy it.

Finally, 'Original Sin' which sounds very naughty. The Times critic praised it as brilliantly funny - only, it's apparentlky not supposed to be funny! I'll judge for myself...