h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

Hello, boss? Yes, it's me. The mission was a complete success. I got the live grenade onto the plane, flew over to the UK, got it off the plane again, and now here I am. What do I do now?

Supposed to blow it up, yes, I... pardon?

What? On the plane? Are you sure? But the plane would crash and we'd all die! Are you sure you've got that right?

Hello? Hello???

I was trying very hard not to know anything about this. Isn't it a ploy to have the troops in London so that when the motorists are charged congestion tax the recalcitrant ones can be shot?

What shocked me most was that a guy at customs was actually paying attention.
And as to congestion charging, there was a thing on the local London news this morning. Apparently some think tank has discovered that the introduction of the charge might cause people to move on to public transport! Wasn't that the point? The news seemed to think it was a money making scheme.

Look I can barely get a seat on the bus or the tube as it is. I don't want to be fighting motorists who seem to believe it is their god given right to be sitting down when they are moving!

Hear hear Abi. It is gonna be hell from Monday I'd bet And just as they've gotten my bus route sorted out too...

Never mind...I've been timing the lights ont my route for the last few weeks (I have no money for new books, forgive me) so I'll find out if the timings change come monday...

I'm sure the noise I hear is not the constant buzz of the air conditioning but suveillance planes from RAF Leuchers on patrol. Jack McConnell however is denying it. Mind you what's new.

Nah, they wouldn't waste a plane for up here. Just send a wee guy frae Fife up in a balloon with some binoculars "gie us a shout if ye see anything wi a long fizzing string dangling oot, wee man"

"Nae fizzy strings but there's a guy here wi' a beard an' heed scarf mutterin' somethin' aboot infidels."

Liam.

That's all right, that'll just be Pastor Jack

(note for non-weegies: Pastor Jack is Glasgow's answer to Ian Paisley, although thankfully without any of the political power.)

As immortalised in the Billy Connolly song: "Pastor Jack Glass is an ass, ass, ass..."

Excuses I've come up with, for carrying a live grenade:

"It was a for my mother-in-law"

"I'm an undercover security person just checking the system"

"I really wanted to bring home a dead grenade as a souvenir but the shop didn't have any"

"The guy in the pet shop told me it was a terrapin"

What's this?

*holds hand and shakes forearm at the monitor*

It's a terror-wrist.

Hmm.. works better face to face methinks.

Liam.

Got to larf haven't you......

"Why do you have a live hand grenade in your luggage, sir?"



"You're not allowed to send them through the post."

WhyowhyowhyowhydidIbookaflighttotheStatesinmid-March?

Will you be carrying any firearms, explosives or other ordnance with you, dS?

I'm a man!

I've never used the word "ordnance" before. Good word, isn't it?

A superb choice my friend