h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Where are you?

Cowcaddens

After taking legal advice from Messrs Heisenberg, Uncertainty and Principle, I would like to amend the above statement.

I may be in Cowcaddens, but there is a distinct possibility that I may be wandering the planet Flumplydimkins accompanied by an itinerant band of teddy bears searching for the fabled woods of Schitten.

*ahem*

Glad to see your back.

Yes, it always was my more fartogenic side.

Hold on a cotton-picking minute, what are you doing here? Wasn't it you who was meant to be taking a break?

Pah! Young folks nowadays, no stamina at all. Bring back National Service, that would give 'em some backbone. When I was with Monty in '42......

*hmph* Well I only came back to insult... er... say hello to you. I'll unsubscribe again now then, and take the matter up with my solicitors...

No not the solicitors again I beg you. Show some horseanity and equinimity. I've tried to respond in kind, but the best my crack team of disbarred debagged lawyers can come up with is, "F**k off" and a 1000 quid bill.

*hugs the horsey, grooms her feathers, and feeds her some budgie hay*

*covers eyes* I'm not listening...

You always were as stubborn as a flying mule.

OK, OK Eudora here I come.

*notices that the horsey can't hear so clatters noisily around to the back armed only with a bag of chillis*

*puts fingers in ears* I can't see you either...

I think you're covering the wrong orifices, in more ways than one.

Anyway, the Eudora deed is done. Now for my next trick I'm going to demonstrate the speed that can be achieved by a horse powered by chilli fusion.

*pulls out a large green chilli stamped with "DANGER Ultra-f**king-hot. Keep away from small children and horse's asses"*

Geez Sus, I never thought you were so sensitive to chillis. One itsy-bitsy little threat and you're not going to London any more, preferring instead to flee to the warming bosom of your family with one eye on inheriting Great Aunt Edith's cast-iron horseknickers, and another on a couple of million bales of hay from your grandad.

Well it won't work, I'm not even half his age and I can't remember who you are without looking you up in my 1992 Pirelli Horseshoes calendar.

*puts chilli in his rear pocket for possible future scenarsios*

I'm a very sensitive horse in every way.

As for the Pirelli days, I grew tyred of all that.

Sensitive? Shergar's more sensitive, and he ain't been making rose fertiliser for donkeys.

As for that pun - you've made me wheelly crossply.

*wanders round with a sign saying "Mention the Michelin man at your peril"*

Sorry I'm just trying to stay awake so I can sleep tomorrow night. I'll go and do a Wumbeevil badge, will I? Or maybe I should just write "Wum" in crayon on my forehead? It'll make a change from what's usually there.

I will not sleep, I will not....

Don't worry, we all recognised you anyway

b.b.but I wasn't even under a table.

Aren't you glad you made that badge though? If not for the prize it won you, then for the embodiment of Amy P.

Hope you're going to upload your pics before wiping them this time.

Yes the pics are safely on the hard disk this time. The only problem is they're nearly all crap (though there is a spooky one of Abi), and I don't know who most of the people in them are. I've waited on other pics being posted to find out, but they seem to be having the same problem.

Are you sure you don't want to see the lizards in the bottle instead? They're so much more photogenic. Hark at Adonis here!

Amy's body shot came out OK...I would rephrase that but she'll never see this unless there's a big horsey blabbermouth kicking around.

Would I say anything to Amy about her 'embodiment'?