h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The wallflower, now noticing the undertaker, takes his hand and shakes it. It was a cold,limp handshake, totally devoid of feeling and warmth.

wallflower: Uh hello. Where did you find my father?

The Undertaker doesn't reply. He simply puts a bony green finger up to his pursed lips motioning to her to be silent. With his other hand he points to a place in the distance behind the wallflower's father. The wallflower peers off into the distance and sees...

The wall.

But no, coming from behind the wall-
Fondue's secretary coming from the other room.

"Mr. Fondue, there's a guy named Jimmy 'The Turtle' Minattiosi to see you. I don't know what he wants, but for some reason I don't think it's normal business. What do you want me to tell him?"

Harry Fondue twists to face his secretary.

Harry: Sure toots, send him in. There's always room for one more.

Jimmy 'the Turtle' enters. He's a tall man, about 40ish, wearing a pinstripe zoot suit and a glow-in-the-dark hat. He walks with an incredible limp.

Jimmy: You're Fondue, right?
Harry & Jane: Yes.

Harry looks at Jane. She goes back to decorating the wall.

Harry: Watcha here for Turtle?

well...I seem to have forgotten the reason why I should turn my eggs in the face of an incoming tide....and wether to turn them clockwise or anticlockwise......he mumbles......so I thought it best to hightail it over here and ask you, as the whole world knows that.....

*the wallflower speaks sofly and sacasticly from her corner*....it doesn't matter which direction you turn your eggs......the whole world knows they are only easter eggs afterall used to conceal......

here the undertaker is convulsed with a terribly
dry
rasping
cough
which although not loud
penetrates to every corner of the room
and lingers
as an echo which never quite dies to silence

Ahem!! I hope that the children are not listening because I have to reveal the dreadful truth that the turtles eggs....which are really chocolate,are infact a cover for the easter bunny,how is plotting a devious way to take over the world!! The wallflower is a double agent of the aforementioned bunny,the red-head is the plant and you Mr Fondue are just a lunp of melted cheese!!.......
*I beg to differ on that score* interjects the red-head * I am really.........

...an incredibly warm and luscious tree tomato who enjoys saucy tales about....

the life of the tree toad,who really gives me a thrill when...

dons his top hat and tails and does a little jig ........this of course only happens when.........

he is gripped by the mating fever and feels the neat to.......

...in Switzerland daintingly dipping bread in a dish of cheese melted in white wine while waiting for Jake The Peg to launder the money at the bank. The money came from the States in a coffin dispatched by Fred's Fine Funerals whose motto is...

moving ever so slowly the wallflower moves over to the window where a pigeon is perched and places something in the canister around its neck then just as slowly so as not to draw attention to herself returns to her previous position against the wall.......

acting as if she has done nothing she continues on with the thread....
we know where to stick 'em..........

Having already completely throw the thread of this gripping saga into the waste paper bin!! meanwhile....the funeral cortege of *We take you all the way....and beyond*.......

*the secretary re-enters, to find out that the entire scene has changed*

Oh. I was going to say that Louie 'the Amphibian' Funnicelle was here to see you about the dead fish, but I guess your busy.

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..........A Pregnant pause in the story as.......

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........
........................And another one

*Fenchurch wonders why the blanket of such an awkward silence has occured*
.
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.
.

*Suddenly Frink, who has been watching the movie from a safe distance, realizes he has accidentally sat on the MUTE button on the remote*

....and then......