h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

What is an 'unnecessary beard'?

In olden time...

I was at Warwick Uni. I joined the Science fiction and fantasy society. All societies have yearly elections to determine who the exec are. Being somewhat anarchic, we at UWSF&FS (http://www.sunion.warwick.ac.uk/scifi) invent many stupid posts including:
Society Lightweight
Society Not-A-Goth
Society Ginger
Society Drunk
Society Tart
Society Most Unnecessary Beard

I have been elected to a life post in unnecessary beards, so it seemed a natural jump to become their keeper.

An unnecessary beard is one that elicits derisions and scorn from others. My particular poison is that my beard looks as if its about to drop off the bottom of my face and it has bald patches.

If you tune your little sister right, she will screech a chord.

I have been serially unshaven for a good portion of my life. Like right now.
Elicits the strangest reactions from people.
I go into stores and they act like I'm going to rob them.
Small children stare at me curiously. Parents look away.

There's a handlebar mustache at the top, too.
The current fashion in this part of texas is little spade beards and
flavor savers right down the middle of the face, with the sides clean.
Too much bother.
If I'm not going to shave...I'm not going to shave.

Much what I think. Wet sahving always brought me out in a rash, and electric razors never really got close enough for me. So I decided to eschew shaving. I still trim it, though, or at least by barber does.

I've always been taken with the idea of a long moustache with one side waxed into a spiral and the other side waxed straight out sideways.

But I guess then I'd have to be become an avant-garde painter.

Actually, I use no wax. Just the remains of what I ate or drank last.

When I was in the army, I had a sparse growth but what there was of it ate razors. When the DI came along with his stupid credit card, I was always sent back to shave again.

I refused to shave off my beard for any interviews. Despite all the advice you get given about interview technique, it hasn't seemed to work against me yet.

Maybe you're qualified?
In the semi-unskilled labor pools I swim in, it often works against you. At least, around here.

Could be. I softened the blow by wearing a suit, however. I felt an absolute lemon when my interviewers were in jeans and jumpers.

Casual dress in the workplace has always given me nightmares.
I've had jobs where I had to wear an anonymous uniform but my supervisor was wearing the female version of a power suit...which often looked like streetwalker's wardrobe...and male managers whose sense of style was peculiar at best, following the GQ style bible in a pathetic manner.
I've often had problems in interviews. I can't get out of the habit of speaking in complete sentences and blue-pencilling errors on the applications....

I've been lucky in that all my interviews have been fairly relaxed and informal.
Maybe the number of posts they're interviewing for has an impact?
If they're interviewing several applicants for a single post then they could be more aggressive and unpleasant. If they're interviewing around 200 people for 100 course places, they'll probably be a lot friendlier.
Academics seem to be quite nice people in general. I think it's the lack of ambition. Very ambitious people have a tendency to turn into right b*****ds.

What's with the 'dispose of' bit?

I've opened a vault of unnecessary beards. People can nominate beards (and their owners) to be committed to the facial hair equivalent of room 101.

Ah. But I am not going to ask about the Quimwrangler part except to wonder if you are married.

As it happens, no.
Move 'em on (Head 'em up)
Head 'em up (Move 'em on)
Move 'em on (Head 'em up)
Rawhide...

Oink Oink

Wrangling? Wishful thinking, really. So far only one woman of the opposite sex can bear for me to touch her.

Ah, but it pays to be choosy. Some skills can only truly be appreciated by the connoisseuress.
Never been a big fan of the 'singles' scene. Sounds like a broken six pack.

True, the whole messy business of 'making yourself look big' to attract a mate repulses me. I've never been to a nightclub, and I never intend to. You meet far more interesting people at role-play meetings.

As I said to the boys at the Computer Game store in the mall, who were selling $299.00 X boxes: With a pencil and piece of paper, I can create a world in which I can make my hero do things you can't do on a TV screen!
Never liked dating. Never done it, as far as I know!
Actually, they usually ended up coming to me, without a move on my part. But I did get blamed for it!

That's hardly fair.
The only girls who gravitated to me without provocation tended to be of the psychotic variety.
"I love you!" they cry, advancing with a twelve-inch cake knife.