Journal Entries
It's been a year.
Posted Jan 24, 2007
Just realising that it's been a year since my father died. I am still having a very hard time with this. I can't keep out of my mind that I might have been better able to help my mother and sister had I been home.
Well, I'm going home now. It's not under the best of circumstances, but it's on my own time-line. I'm leaving a job that I love and hate simultaneously.
It's hard to find the words to express what I am feeling. It's very hard to think of the loss, yet I can't stop thinking about it. I never really did come to terms with my father's death. I feel robbed, abandoned, remorse. I know that I could not have stopped it from occurring, but there is always that little demon in the back of my mind.
If you find yourself with a glass in hand over the next week or so I ask that you raise it up for Kent White.
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Latest reply: Jan 24, 2007
Lovely day.
Posted Oct 6, 2006
This morning I wake up to hear that there is a chemical fire only 15 or so miles from my house.
It's raining cats and dogs.
My car has been broken in to and my satelite radio has been stolen.
Can I take a mulligan on today?
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Latest reply: Oct 6, 2006
Is it late September yet?
Posted Aug 31, 2006
I jsut bought an airplane ticket for my best friend to come to the Triangle for my 30th birthday next month. I am very glad that his wife is letting him come. Sometimes it sucks when your friends get married, but so far H has let M do his thing.
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Latest reply: Aug 31, 2006
My stolen title
Posted Aug 30, 2006
So I've had some mild depression for quite a while now. It's nothing earth shattering and I am dealing with it. But the strangest things will really make me introspective (something I don't like to do).
I've been addicted to the TV series Scrubs. I own the first three seasons on DVD and I have archival backup copies of the fourth and fifth seasons that a friend burned for me. It's a witty and funny series. The nature of the show makes death part of it's scripts. You can't do a medical show and not show the dark side of medicine. People die, and medical practitioners deal with it constantly. But every time there was a death in the series it really struck me.
I'm not the type of person who crys at movies. Hell I never really cried when my father died. It's not in my nature to be overly demonstrative of my emotions. I don't let my emotions get the better of me. But I'll be damned if watching fictional grief does not effect me negatively at the moment. I don't get all watery eyed, but I do stop for a while and start down that dark path. I don't like that I am having this reaction. Maybe I should do something about it, but the only person that I believe that I could let my gaurd down to is unavailable. I don't like opening up to strangers, at least not my real deep feelings. It's not my speed, and I can't see myself allowing some headshrink that sort of access to my psyche. I just don't know what other options are there. I have noticed some self destructive habits forming of late, and I don't want to become someone I despise over this. I won't cover real problems with drugs and I won't use my problems as a copout for everything else. While I know that what's going on in my head is effecting other areas of my life (primarily my work), I can't let that be an excuse to slack off.
It's going to be an interesting journey. One that I can't say that I am going to be happy to be on. I've just about convinced myself to get into some kind of grief counseling. I just have so many reservations about it though. I can't help shaking the idea that this is some sort of touchey feeley way of copping out on my real issues. But I can't let a sitcom make me feel like I did eight months ago when I got that 2:00 a.m. call from my mother. I can't be strong for my family when the pillar that I borrowed my strength from is now ash in a fancy metal container. I can't be the engineer I want to be when I can't get any sort of passion for my job. I can't get myself healthy when it feels like it's a bygone conclusion that I will have the same fate as my father. It's a vicious cycle and I hate that I can watch it happen. I'm smarter than this...
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Latest reply: Aug 30, 2006
54 ounce cocktails are a great idea, no really.
Posted Aug 11, 2006
Thursday last I gathered with my crew to descend upon that den of iniquity, Las Vegas.
Personae Dramatis:
RTP h4x0rs
Calvin
Mavus
Turbo
Dee
Vincent Chase
JT
Dr0p (me)
n3wly w3ds
SEA
Daisy
SLC Buddy
JL
As we were attending a hacking convention, we were using pseudonyms. No sense in allowing people with malicious intent to have our true identities.
We gathered at the airport to begin our adventure mid morning. I had my customary two pints of beer before boarding as I *hate* flying sober. The flights were bumpy but uneventfull. We get to Vegas where we meet up with JT who took a seperate flight.
We pooled our resources to get a limo to take us from the airport to our hotel, stopping on the way (of course) at a liquor store to gather fuel for the coming weekend. By the time we get to the hotel, I am fairly smashed. I needed to get some calories in me before I got sick from all the drinking I had already done. We walk over to the hotel that our conference was to be held at, and paid for our badges. We arrange to meet a colleague for dinner at a small place just off strip.
Dinner is at an Italian restaurant of dubious virtue. It's schmaltzy and seedy. Dinner was hardly spectacular, but we did indeed enjoy the company of our colleague (who picked up the tab as she was there on official business). We then decide to walk the strip.
We go to the Bellagio, we go to Treasure Island. At both places we see the spectaculars that they are known for. I part ways with my crew as I am meeting friends from Salt Lake and L.A. My smaller group of friends decide to go on to the local bar that a buddy of mine frequents. We have a few more drinks and catch up. The night is done, so we all go our seperate ways.
Friday Morning.
I wake up early like I am often known to do, and I shower and dress for the day ahead. My crew does the same and eventually we make our way over to the convention area to find that all talks are two hours delayed due to the ineptitude of the LV firemarshall. There is a huge line to get badges for the con, in which we find JL. My coworkers all go to find breakfast and I hang out with JL till he gets through the line. We grab a bite to eat at the buffet and then start looking for SEA and Daisy. Eventually we locate them where we just hang out till the talks begin.
I won't go in to detail about the talks, if you wanted to hear about them you would have been at Defcon.
Amature Capture the Flag begins. We initially wanted to just poke around a bit and then go on to other talks. When we get there we find that we don't have network connectivity, so I run to the vendor area and buy a hub. This allows us all connections into the network to do our dirty work.
aCTF is King of the Hill. Once you pwn a service, you get points for it based on the difficulty rating of that box. A service on Level 1 gets you one point per mintue. A service on Level 10 gets you ten points... We see one team get a service on Level 1 fairly early. We poke around for a couple of hours and I decide to go to In-n-Out Burger for lunch for everyone. When I return I see that we are in second place and gaining on first! This kept us going in the CTF game for a very long time. We hacked and hacked. I bribe the organizers with a bottle of whiskey for their favour. Set up some protection from getting pwnd and then left to play. Later that night I revisit the aCTF area and I get a couple of hints that there is more that we could be doing with our box. We go to the Orleans and gamble. Some of us visit a gentlemans club for a while. Mostly we just had fun. (much drunkularity ensues)
Saturday Morning.
I am drunk. Still drunk that is. I get up, shower, browbeat Mavus, JT and Calvin into going to breakfast. We then go back to aCTF. We are now third place but still in the running. At any given time of that day someone was working on the systems. We start getting more points thanks to my social engineering the night before.
I go to more talks, meet up with some unexpected former coworkers from a very long time ago.
It's time for the wedding.
JL and I pick up SEA and Daisy and go to the wedding chapel. I am honoured to say that I was allowed to act as wittness. It was a lovely little ceremony, and I am quite happy for them. We take a limo to meet up with my wayward friends. More drunkularity ensues.
Sunday.
Some sleep in. Others go shopping. I go to a couple of talks and meet up with the contest organizers. It's decided the night before that the standings will be frozen as the ranking s are very static. We win 3rd place in the competition and get a robot kit to play with and some t-shirts.
We then make our way back to the airport and fly home. Other than a long layover and a very late landing in RDU, it was an uneventfull trip.
I took away from this weekend a new appreciation for those that I work to keep out of networks. I learned about my friends. I learned about myself. It was a great experience I can't wait to repeat.
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Latest reply: Aug 11, 2006
marvthegrate LtG KEA
Researcher U28338
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