h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My mother isn't happy with my career choices at the moment. The only one she's ever been happy with was a librarian. Hahahahaha...hmm. I rather like the idea of being a zookeeper or park ranger, but she's not impressed. Other than being a teacher, I don't know what you could be other than a teacher, or maybe an over-educated garbage man! Just kidding.

I left and hang up the phone every time he calls. Delete the emails and ignore the grandmother. All I get from her is "your grandfather was 16 years older than me, and I was married younger than you are now!" Let me go tell that to my parents, that'll be a shocker.

Let's get this straight, you're bookish, wimpy, and impaired. Wow, that's quite impressive. I happen to be a terribly outgoing, bookish, wimp, but I also happen to be highly intelligent. I'm scared of heights, so I don't climb trees, more along the lines of digging mudpuddles and skinny dipping in the creek!

I don't look for much in girls to tell you the truth! Hoohoohoo. I hope you didn't mean that! Anyway, I only go after the strong-but-silent type in guys. That sucks because I usually get so frustrated with them when they don't ask me out that they cry.

Tacysa

Hmmm... At school we once had to sit one of those IQ test-style things that aims to suggest careers for you. I remember getting suggestions of librarian, arcaheologist and air-traffic controller (!) I don't know what the people who mark those tests are on, but it's safe to say I'm currently ignoring all their advice Don't knock the job of garbage man, when I was young I always wanted to be a post-man, maybe I'll go for that after all

It does seem an unusual state of affairs that your grandmother should be urging you to betrothe yourself to someone 7 years older than you... she presumably knows the family well, and is determined that you'd make a good match, no matter how you feel yourself. I wouldn't let on to this guy about the whole skinny-dipping thing, 'cause I'm sure that would only make matters worse

Thank you for being impressed , I'm glad someone is. Bookish, wimpy, impaired, fat, spotty sci-fi geek, that about describes me So, if you're bookish what kind of books do you read? It strikes me that most of the authors whose stuff I read are British, so there's a good chance you won't have heard of them... I don't think book popularity really crosses the Atlantic, much, unless you're talking about Harry Potter... Oh well.

Yes, sorry, I didn't mean to imply you'd be looking for girls, I meant... um... the qualities each of us would be looking for in a partner, but of the opposite sex. A bit of a clumsy way to say it, but never mind. So you get so frustrated at them they cry? What do you do to them, kick them? And if they cry, are you sure they're really the strong type at all?

FraserD

Those tests are really useless. One recommended that I be a dentist or electrician. I can just see that. Woops! There goes my finger, those drills really hurt. Woops! That felt kinda like the lightning I got hit by the other day... I want to be a zookeeper so I can't say much.

She only thinks he's a good match because he refused to date a good Thibadeaux girl. She thinks that, because she was married by 16, I should at least be engaged. Aww, skinny-dipping isn't really that bad is it?

Spotty? I've read most everything. The only thing I don't read is those terrible romance books. I'm in love with Piers Anthony, Terry Brooks, Steven Barnes, and on and on. I strongly dislike the Harry Potter books actually. They upset me in their similarity to hundreds of other 'wannabe' fantasy books.

Actually,I've only made one cry, but IT WAS HIS FAULT! He didn't speak to me for a week, and when he came to ask me out, I yelled at him and he went to chemistry and cried. I made another whimper, but it to was HIS fault! He sat on my glasses and I goosed him. Maybe not emotionally strong, but they were both larger than I am. That's really not much of a stretch though!

Stacy

Hang on... I take it you don't actually mean you got hit by lightning the other day? If you really did, congratulations on still being alive. If you didn't, thank goodness I'm sure zookeeper's a good job. Not much of a career opportunity in the UK, because I think most of our zoos are closed, or about to close, pretty much. I'm rubbish with animals anyway - even the cat hates me

No, no, I wasn't saying anything against skinny-dipping at all. By all means, continue, please. All I meant was that you don't really want this guy finding out about it, just incase he decides it's a spectator sport

Spotty... as in acne, as in shouldn't-this-stuff-have-cleared-up-years-ago? It's a hereditary thing; my mum still has mild acne and she's fifty(!) I'm hoping that mine isn't quite as bad though, and will clear up within the next year or two. I hope.

I quite like the Harry Potter books, but that could be because I don't read much fantasy. As I probably said before, I like sci-fi and humour, so if I read any fantasy stuff it tends to be comedy-fantasy, such as Terry Pratchett (who you may never heave heard of, I know ). I'm currently reading a sci-fi book called 'Time' by Stephen Baxter, who you also probably will not have heard of. Trying to think of any American authors I read... Michael Crichton? I've read one or two of his... If I think of any others, I'll add them later. I've heard of the authors you mentioned, but have never tried any of their stuff, if you recommend a good book, I'm willing to add it to my list of books to read

I'm terribly impressed by your ability to make boys cry or whimper I'm sure they did both deserve it. It takes some bravery - or some lack of self-control, I don't know which - to cry in a Chemistry class when everyone else will notice. He probably should have gone to the toilets until he could stop himself And sitting on your glasses, well, that's unforgivable - although the pain in the ass you generally get from sitting on glasses may have been punishment enough

FraserD

Whaaaah? Lightening? I are confused... I am pretty sure that cats hate EVERYONE. I deal better with large animals like horses, dogs, cows, and people.

You should try it sometime. Maybe in a local fountain or duckpond. I would castrate him with a plastic butter knife if I ever discovered the bumbling fool watching me.

Ahh, poor thing. I have been blessed with clear skin excepting these chronic blisters on my hands. I have dyshidrotic eczema and I must tell you it is a pain! Acne sometimes doesn't clear up until you're 20! My older brother has it most terribly though it has gotten better of late.

Actually I have heard of Terry Pratchett and have read a few books on occasion. I never really got into them as the local library has only 4 of them. Michael Crichton writes very good books. Piers Anthony's Xanth series is absolutely hysterical. They're a fantasy series packed with exceedingly clever puns.

I really didn't mean to make him cry. It was actually rather pathetic, but I'm not sure he cared at that point. From what I heard he wasn't sobbing and yowling, just tearing up and kind of shaky. They have flex-frames for a reason, but when a 175-lb guy sits on them, they don't pop back how they should. I was partially blind and had to march without them. Band nerds always need to have their seeing-eye dogs on hand in case of emergency.

Okay, so you didn't get struck by lightning, that's good. The fewer times the world has tried to toast you, the better. Don't worry about it, I think I'm more confused than you are. Probably something to do with my impairment

Hmm... let me think about those suggestions for a second... Oh, a second longer... hang on... Yes, after much consideration, I have decided I will, surprisingly, NOT try skinny dipping in a local fountain or duckpond. Especially the duckpond, what with all those bits of soggy bread floating around...

But your castration idea sounds a reasonable one.. and the plastic butter-knife is a nice touch.

Ouch, eczema sounds nasty I shouldn't be complaining about the acne, it's not exactly a problem to me.

Terry Pratchett books can sometimes be quite good, although recently he's been trying to get a little too serious in his philosophizing, and they've just ended up being dull and corny. I have to admit that the only Michael Crichton books I've actually read so far are Jurassic Park and its sequel, but I've been intending to read some others, and will get round to it one day. I'll also give Piers Anthony a go some time. It may not be very soon, though, seeing as I have a huge load of books I've been meaning to read. I think the list runs to around 50 items right now...

Oh well, I'm sure it's a good sign if you can make guys cry... probably means they really like you (or that you're really cruel to them, but I'm sure that's not the case ). Ah flex-frames... I've never had any of those, so every time I sit on my glasses, it means they end up at an odder angle than before when I next try and wear them. Poor you - all the inconvenience of not having glasses, without the comfort of knowing the guy responsible is going to have a bruise on his bum for the next week. You could try fixing drawing pins to the frames, but that could cause you problems when you next try and wear them.

FraserD

May I ask where the idea that I was recently (or ever) struck by lightening came from? The only time I've ever come close was running across a tennis court with Zeus bolts hitting all around me.

Not adventuresome are we? Such a shame. Well, now that I think about it, a duckpond isn't a very good idea. The bread and the fact that they usually reek. Then again, seeing someone run naked out of a pond with shrieking, hissing ducks and geese behind him or her is quite an amusing image!

Plastic butterknives are quite painful. I cut into my thumb with one once and it hurt like ol' Billy Hell.

It's not that bad. All I have to do is soak my hands and use steroid cream. Skin is a pain but quite useful.

I read a book once upon a time and it was very interesting. What ruined it for me was the author's note at the end that tried to make every little thing into a great, meaningful event. I didn't really like the Andromeda Strain by Michael Crichton, but a majority of his books are decent. I've got a fairly large pile and I STILL haven't finished my summer assignments for school! I really could care less about Othello and must say that I am rather irritated with the poor dear at the moment.

Not sweet little Stacy! Never would I ever be cruel unless they really made me mad, but that's a different story... I think that those nasty little pins would cause difficulty when I decided to put on my hat and couldn't get it off. First, I think I'd have a panic attack and break it right before I ripped out half of my lovely hair, not that I'd miss it. Poor, poor me. I think the best solution for both of us would be to actually WEAR them!

Stacy

It was just a joke you made in an earlier posting, where you said 'Woops! That felt kinda like the lightning I got hit by the other day'. I was just checking that it hadn't *actually* happened to you, just incase sympathy was required

I wouldn't say that I'm not adventuresome... well, I suppose I would... but even if I was adventuresome, I'm not sure sitting naked in a duckpond is the first thing I'd aim to do. I mean, despite the fact it would leave me horribly embarrassed, it would mentally scar anyone that saw me too. Trust me, me naked is not a pretty sight.

You cut yourself with a plastic butterknife? Aren't they usually really blunt? Don't you have to put in quite a bit of effort to actually cut anything other than butter with them? Wouldn't they break long before they went through actual finger? Oh well, ouch, anyway. I will never mess with butterknives from now on...

Ah, the joys of Othello... I remember them. I think everyone gets annoyed with that play. Basically, nothing would actually go wrong, and everybody would live happily ever after if the characters just *talked* to each other once in a while, but do they? No, they all talk to 'honest Iago', and assume that he's always telling the truth, even when he's accusing their partners of terrible mis-deeds. All the characters in the play deserve to die for being so downright dumb... And relax...

Okay, okay, I'll admit the pin idea was a bad one, don't really want you breaking your hat, or pulling out your hair. Wearing glasses? Wow! What a wonderful new idea I'll need to try that sometime. Or I could just check the seat before I sit down...

FraserD

I understand. My uncle was struck by lightening, but he only lost some hair. Evidently it wasn't too bad! Maybe I should stand out in the back yard during the next evening thunderstorm with a golf club in my hand. That's a little rash even for me.

Unless you're a 400-lb lady in a string bikini, I doubt you could truly scar people. That's also the reason that you go skinny dipping in a place far away from where you live and pray every night that you don't meet someone who happened to see you!

Yes, they're blunt, but those little serrations are evil. I wasn't pressing very hard either. I was sawing hundreds of thousands of rolls open and all I had was that stupid little butterknife. I guess I was careless, but I've met other people who have joined my organization. It's called Attackees of Plastic Butterknives Unite.

I can't help but admire Iago. He's obviously highly intelligent to be able to manipulate people that way, but I think it also, as you said, has something to do with the other characters having the intelligence of field mice. Poor Cassio is one of those smart people that walks around with their fingers in their ears singing "lalalalala" at the top of their lungs. That sounds familiar...

I don't know if I could wear my glasses. I can't read or knit with them on. Hmmm, maybe I should throw them away and drive without them... nerknerknerk... Woops, just got yelled at. My mother wants me to eat my food like a normal person. I thought everyone ate pastries by licking off the icing and peeling off layer after layer.

Stacy

Ouch! No, please do not go stand with a golf club in a thunderstorm... I like my friends alive, thanks very much...

I still think I'll pass on the skinny dipping - maybe I wouldn't scar people, but the horrendous embarrassment would be just too much to bear. And it's also pretty cold in Scotland most of the time, which doesn't help

Okay, in future I'll be wary of those little plastic butterknives, then. Although if any of them ever try and attack me, I'll just stand on them in revenge. That'll show 'em!

I'm afraid Othello wasn't one of my favourite Shakespeare plays... if I have any at all... I quite liked King Lear, and Hamlet wasn't too bad, although it drags a little towards the end. Now I've left school I may never have to look at another of his plays again, though I suspect I will at some point, mainly because I feel i ought to have read some more of his stuff than i actually have. I've seen quite a few of his plays performed though, and it's slightly better that way than just reading them.

That'll mean you're short-sighted, too. I'm short sighted and have to take my glasses off for reading too. I try not too wear them too often, because I've got told if you rely on them too much your eyesight gets poorer. I've kinda given in, though, and now wear them whenever I'm going out of the house, because I don't like it when the people walking around me look kinda blurry. My sister eats chocolate stuff like that, peeling or licking the chocolate off if there's biscuit or sponge underneath There's nothing wrong with it, althouh you do tend to have to wash your fingers afterwards.

FraserD

It would be so exciting though! I heard that if two people are struck by lightening at the exact same moment that they switch bodies. I would be willing to try it in the name of science.

The temperature would be a bit of a concern, but I imagine it would give the local police a laugh for the next 5 or 10 years.

I'm really not that much of a Shakespeare person. I could rewrite the same play and say it in half as much space. Romeo and Juliet was the only play I've read that I liked. I couldn't stop laughing in class when we read the last two scenes and got a total of 4 demerits for it. When they're performed they're much more entertaining, providing that it's a worthy interpretation.

Wouldn't want to try driving without them? I hate to wear them during school because the corridors are so ugly and so are most of the people. Of course, it's probably only because I am sooo radiant...

How old is your sister? Picking food apart is one of my favorite things to do. You remind me so much of someone it's scary.

Stacy

Are you sure that actually happens, and it's not just TV? Fun as it might be, what if you got stuck in the other person's body? And, if a man got stuck in a woman's body, or vice versa, wouldn't he/she have horrible problems figuring out how to pee? I'm thinking about this too much, better stop.

Much as I love the local police, I'm not sure I want to be the one that gives them something to laugh about for the next decade... someone else can do that, I think

Yeah, some versions of Shakespeare plays are quite good, and some are pretty dire. Some I've been to have held my interest, whilst others have had me snoozing gently. The most unusual one I've been to was held in the Glasgow Botanical Gardens about two weeks ago - all of it was performed out-doors (luckily the weather was quite good for a change), and we had to walk around from one scene to the next. Kinda weird, but it helped hold your interest.

I'm not legally allowed to drive without my glasses, so I think I might continue to use them on that front Yeah, it's probably best to take them off at school. I rarely walked around school with them on, but i usually walk around uni with them on, because there are some nice girls around (none of them interested in me, of course)

My sister is... uh... tries to remember... 17 years old. She's just over a year younger than me, so she's just in bewteen school and university right now. She's a bit of a chocolate addict, but still manages to stay thin. Needless to say, I'm extremely jealous But, as she can get away with it, I say Good For Her

FraserD

I don't think the peeing would really be that much of an issue. Surely it can't be that difficult to figure out? The only problem I can see would be if whoever you switched bodies with was married or involved with someone...

I imagine you could find somewhere like an old railroad bridge to skinny dip. If you ever come to the States, I'll lend you our creek for an hour.

That is odd, but it sounds actually quite interesting. The only "different" playing of a Shakespeare was the Louisianna governor scandal written to Julius Caesar.

Just because it's illegal doesn't mean a thing! Nerknerknerk... I'm scared to drive with my glasses so I think that I'll continue to wear them as well. Some girls like glasses, though I really have no preference.

I think I've only met one person who didn't like chocolate. I love it, but I've recently developed a strange obsession with jell-o. I've never had any problem with my weight (knock on wood) so I can eat most anything. Chocolate...

Stacy