h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Note for the Guestbook. The porridge was lumpy but otherwise I enjoyed my stay - apart from the bed smelling of Polar Bears... and the pictures of a puppy on the wall and the bricks insteadof a bed leg at one corner of the bed. And the bulb had gone and the noise of the air conditioning and the light shining in from the street light immediately outside the window which I couldn't block out due to there only being one curtain whic wouldn't stretch all the way across and which came off in my hand... and the very slow room service and did I mention the porridge? Well everything else was OK - more or less.
Vestboy

Ah - but it's so cheap!

It's terribly nice to find a message here - work commitments are playing havoc with my hootoo life at the moment: I only tend to get on after midnight and it's all rather quiet and I can't stay for long in any case. Well, that explains the slow room service anyway.

Did the bed really smell of polar bear? Because he or she knows he or she isn't allowed up on them.

And the porridge wasn't lumpy when I brought it up ... *thinks* Hilary! Have you been bringing Vestboy little 'presents' again?

The lumps did move about a bit and tasted a bit fishy but one can't expect perfection. The bed... well perhpas there was just a hint of polar bear in the air and I jumped to beddy conclusions.
I'm trying to get to kip before midnight whenever possible as I'm not at my best the next day if I don't get 11 hours deep uninterrupted sleep, with a couple of naps during the day.

Ah well, I have just the thing - Boarlicks.
*Produces jar with no label*
Nothing like Horlicks, mind. *Sprinkles some into a mug* It may look like cocoa, it may smell like cocoa (and I stress the 'may', because, being frank, it doesn't), but this will knock you out for 11 hours, no problem. *Adds boiling water* Aaah! That's the stuff.

What am I meant to do with it?
*rubs some on the vest for old time's sake*

That's it. So, aren't you feeling sleepy yet?
*Eyes start twirling a bit*

*Eyes perform like a chameleon on a turntable*
No I don't notice anything differzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

*Passes hand over Vestboy's closed eyes*

He's out...right lads!

*Army of workmen descend. Around Vestboy is built: a castle full of long corridors and surmounted by slender turrets. A mile-long drive is built out to the forty-foot high walls*

OK - stage two

*Crack team of gardeners descend - soon the entire place is covered with creepers, ivy, brambles, a dense mass of vegetation*

Right - I think that's everything.

*Locks gate and wanders off*