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The Penultimate¹ Collection of Quotes
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Futurama:

Fry: "Bonder? Is it really you?"
Gypsy: "Yes, I am fine. Give the gypsy 10 dollars."
Fry: "Wait a minute...Bender's name isn't Bonder, it's Bender! You're a fraud!"
Gypsy: "Look, you want false hope or not?"
Fry: "Only if you don't have any real hope."

Captain Zapp Brannigan: "Remember lieutenant, the quickest way to a girl's bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you're in."
Kif Kroker: "Well, sir, I'm a little nervous about meeting her parents."
Captain Zapp Brannigan: "Of course you are. You're meek and uninteresting."

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: "Buddha? Zeus? God? Somebody help me! Satan, you owe me."

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: "Bender, be careful! That's the ship's diamond filament tether. It's unbreakable."
Bender: "Then why do I have to be careful?"
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: "It belonged to my Grandmother."

Rich Little: "The Vegas odds tonight stand at an unprecedented 1000 to 0. A bet of zero dollars on Bender pays 1000 dollars if he wins. Still, very few takers."

Terry Pratchett:²

Nanny Ogg: "By gor', that's a bloody enormous cat."
Granny Weatherwax: "It's a lion."
Nanny Ogg: "Must've hit the wall at a hell of a speed, whatever it was."
Granny Weatherwax: "Someone killed it."
Nanny Ogg: "Should think so. If I'd seen something like that eatin' its way through the wall I'd of hit it myself with the poker."

"...although Ridcully was an impossible manager, the University was impossible to manage and so everything worked seamlessly."

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

"Quick, you must come with me, you're in great danger!"
"Why?"
"Because I'll kill you if you dont."

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."

"Johnny fired the laser one more time. Swsssh. He didn't really know why. It was just because you had the joystick and there was the Fire button and that was what it was for. After all, there wasn't a Don't Fire button."

Douglas Adams:

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move."

"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."

"A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

"There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind."

Emo Philips:

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."

"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

The Simpsons:

Homer: "Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?"
Lisa: "No."
Homer: "Ham?"
Lisa: "No!"
Homer: "Pork chops?"
Lisa: "Dad, those all come from the same animal!"
Homer: "Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal."

Lisa: "It could be a mutant from the power plant."
Mr. Burns: "That's preposterous, everyone knows our mutants have flippers -- oops, I've said too much. Smithers, get the amnesia ray."
Smithers: "You mean the revolver, sir?"
Mr. Burns: "Yes, and be sure to wipe your mind clear when you're done as well."

Chief Wiggum: "This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless."

Homer Simpson: "Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel."

Homer's ghost: "Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven."
Marge: "Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house..."
Homer's ghost: "Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus."