h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In pursuit of my quest to Try Everything In H2G2 Out, I’ve decided to make an entry in my Journal. The story has become longer than I thought it would, but at least I don’t have to count words on here... Ahem.

So, here goes.

Cops & Robbers in the Middle Ages

Sunday 17th April dawned very foggy but dry, a distinct relief after the steady downpours the day before, as it was Nephew’s Birthday Party for his school mates. The 3 Bulbs had also received an awe-inspiring invitation which Nephew (11) had carefully crafted on his Dad’s computer in Powerpoint; he’s an exceptionally gifted child whose IQ of 150 is often a burden to him, but it served him well on this occasion. His favourite pastime is inventing games, the more complicated the better, and he had spent many happy weeks preparing this one for his big day.

The theme was Knights and Bandits, and we were all up early to prepare for it. While I filled two dozen rolls for our picnic, OH marshalled the troops. Bulbs 2 & 3, assigned the roles of Knight and Pageboy respectively, gathered up their swords, shields and other arms; meanwhile Bulb 1, a Bandit, took possession of the bathroom and emerged 30 minutes later with gruesome scars on his neck and face, a red bandana round his head, and a 3-day old beard. I’ve always known my hardly-used eyeliner and lipstick would come in handy one day. We, the adults, were also to take part: OH was to be Guard to the King (Nephew’s father, my B-i-L), while I was Lady-in-Waiting to the Queen (my sister, and Nephew’s mother). I was also Mistress of Victuals, a title granted me because, as the driver of Ye Tattye Olde Whyte Vanne, I was able to both buy and bring to the party all the gallons of drink needed to quench the thirst of 15 children and 4 adults, as my sister and family rely on public transport for travelling.

Around 11 o’clock we reached the scene of the battle, a large wood attached to an ancient castle, a historic monument now used for socio-cultural activities. When all the other guests had duly arrived we set off for a teahouse in the grounds. Dating from 1768, built conveniently as a small tower on a hill, with a courtyard in front of it reached by a double staircase, and surrounded by the woods, it suited its purpose of King’s Castle for the duration of the party perfectly. Nephew, the Chief Bandit, after receiving all his birthday gifts, explained the purpose of the game, its rules and regulations, and provided everyone with detailed Powerpoint maps of the area. To make a long complicated story short, the Bandits were to kidnap the Princess (his elder sister, my Niece), and the Knights had to rescue her – the team who had her in their custody at the end of the party was the winner. The Bandits all ran off to make a Camp in the bushes, while the Knights circled their Castle looking important; the Princess meanwhile floated graciously around the courtyard in a long blue silky dress and golden cardboard crown. Her autism means that the world of make-believe is usually a complete mystery to her; her efforts to act out her role properly were both heart-warming and heart-breaking to see.

A shrill whistle meant that the Bandits had finished preparing their Camp - the Princess and her Pageboy foolishly set off for a walk in the woods, while the King, Queen, Guard and Lady-in-Waiting settled down on a blanket with a welcome flask of hot coffee. Ear-piercing shrieks and fierce yells in the distance meant that all was proceeding according to plan; the Knights leapt to attention and, guided by the Pageboy who had come rushing back for help, set off to rescue the now kidnapped Princess. The prolonged battle was interrupted for lunch, during which it became apparent that the Knights were losing heart. They were outnumbered from the start due to the unforseen absence of two school chums, and the Bandits’ Camp was in the middle of a huge clump of rhododendrons, an additional barricade of sticks and branches making it completely impenetrable.

So, after eating, the King’s Guard was duly raised to Knight in Shining Armour by the King, and strode valiantly forth with a stout branch to rally the troops and find a way of freeing the Princess. We’d just finished clearing up all the debris from the picnic and had installed ourselves on the blanket for a good gossip when a worried bandit appeared, bearing a white flag and the message that the Princess was showing signs of real distress. Thereupon the King nobly offered to exchange places with her, and moments later the Princess was escorted back to the safety of the castle. She settled down between the Queen and Lady-in-Waiting, happily singing songs to herself while they chattered on – but not for too long alas. All of a sudden the Bandits, tired of baiting the unlucky Knights and bored with standing guard over the King, made another concerted attack on the castle, and this time the Lady-in-Waiting agreed to sacrifice herself in exchange for the hapless Princess, who looked genuinely terrified at the prospect of being hauled off again. Dear Journal, I tried to run for it, but my legs aren’t what they used to be, and I should have paid more attention when visiting the ML Cybergym; I was rapidly overtaken, and told my head would be chopped off with the edge of a blunt wooden sword it I disobeyed orders again.

I duly joined the King in the middle of the rhododendron bush, where anon we hatched a Cunning Plan. It was patently obvious by now that the Knights would not be able to rescue us, so the King distracted the guards with some impressive swordmanship, while I folded my arms over my head and face, bent double, and made a mad dash for freedom by charging straight through the bush. I succeeded in breaking free, but was stopped short by the outraged howls and enraged tears of Bandit Nephew and his Second-in-Command Bulb 1 – it appeared I had also broken the rules of the game by running straight through a brick wall. I decided to return to captivity with no further ado to stop the party being ruined by a double tantrum; besides, the chappie with the blunt wooden sword looked as if he meant business. Fortunately, the Queen blew a football whistle soon afterwards, which meant that cake and fizzy magic potion was being served; it was decided then and there that the Bandits had won.

The hour after tea was filled by a tournament on the castle courtyard; after the Knights and Bandits had shown off their prowess with their weapons and had joined the King and the Guard in their state of collapse, the final moments of the party were enlivened by the Queen suddenly leaping up and challenged her Lady-in-Waiting to a duel. We circled around each other nervously at first, and then really got stuck in; the battle was both alarming and exhilarating, and mercifully not too long – the Queen ended it by doing an unexpected twirl so we ended up back to back; one big heave of her majestic behind sent me lurching forwards out of the stone circle on the flagged floor, meaning she had won. Fortunately the railing on the edge of the courtyard spared my dignity by stopping me before I fell flat on my face. I even had the presence of mind to wave graciously to the bemused onlookers who had gathered below at the foot of our little hillock, Sunday walkers who had been unexpectedly presented with the spectacle of two women in their forties battling fiercely with wooden swords and shields. Their applause was loud and long.

Thus ended the party, we all piled into our respective cars/caught buses and trains, and set off for home, happy, exhausted, and extremely dirty, where hot baths and Sunday dinner waited for us. Rarely has a stiff drink tasted so good. I am, dear Journal, profoundly relieved I was never a little boy.

Postscript.

Apparently, you can post non-Beeb URLs on here, so I’ll round off this experiment with another, providing some illustrations of the day’s events. The top picture on the website below shows the ‘Koetshuis’, the old carriage house at the entrance to the castle, now a bistro-type restaurant. The second one is the actual castle ‘Ravenhof’ . The final group of photos at the bottom show the following: top left, the teahouse ‘Gloriette’, aka today’s King’s Castle; top right the entrance gates to the castle; bottom left one of the walking paths.

To round it all off in style on the bottom left: Cheers!

http://www.mctparts.com/koetshuis/index.htm

Katy

Crikey, what a story! I hope you will be distributing pictures if not video of the final battle . The link worked perfectly, I was strangely drawn to that beer at the end.

These journals are proving both compelling to read and compulsive to write, though I'd be a tad surprised if ML2 has them. With the Troll alerts the focus seems to have moved away , from the err, move away (if you see what I mean).

Speaking of Trolls perhaps your gifted nephew could come up with a defence plan to thwart them, raids seem to be on the increase back at ML.

LP

Hi LP! Now, I wrote this using my POV-ID and had no trouble whatsoever in either writing or posting it!



I know what you mean exactly! Don't think they'll be included on ML2 either, though - TADAA - I've just heard from Peta on the Hub that both the 'email me' button and 'the unsubscribe from this conversation' one can be made available on the new ML boards.

I will reserve gifted nephew as secret weapon for if the Trolls get too bad - though, joking apart, they're really spoiling ML for me at the moment. The latest jape with the sock puppet possibly having met the others in Cromford is totally beyond the pale as far as I'm concerned.

:S Katy

Hiya KT

Really enjoyed your log, hope it's not your last! Yes I noticed that your home area is set as h2g2 so that is why it works. This is doubly odd as you clearly signed up to POV back in August 2003, mine was December 04 so it's not they resolved the problem - very odd, still it works and that's what matters!

The Troll's seem to have got worse I wonder if global warming has led them to migrate south. I guess they would not easily find an audience here and you don't get them at all in c19. I wish people would not feed them it only attracts & encourages them more IMHO.

The Cromford thing either suggests an insider - which is not a nice thought; or someone so obsessed that they went to the pub and observed, again not nice. I suppose it could be a friend or partner of an ML person who is getting their own back for hours of absense! Which is a slightly better idea!

I like this place as an adjunct of TB, some of the ideas under discussion and the serious writing is excellant - also you can get to know some people a bit better without annoying the rest of the Pub - and as we say it is a refuge from Trolls. I think the two places can work well together.

LP
x

It sounds like your nephew might enjoy Terry Gilliam's Time Bandits. Has he seen the film?

Hello from Sue and Douglas

Hi again LP!

The trolls activities in ML and Cromford fill my mouth with the taste of sawdust.

Katy

Hi Sue and Douglas!

I'll recommend the film to my sister, because I don't think he has seen the film. Mind you, would it be suitable? I must Google a bit. Though he's extremely intelligent, he's also quite young for his age, and RL is rough too - he suffers from Gilles de la Tourette syndrome, and school life especially has been difficult. He's finally found one where he feels very at home and secure, a Steiner school.

Good luck with the exams, Douglas - I'm watching and being supportive from the side-lines as Cellofreak is gearing up for her exams at Antwerp University.

Katy

Katy... only just found this and laughed my socks off. Sounds like great fun!

Think you should post it in ML-proper, for everyone to see. It's such a delightful story, it iwould be a shame not to.

Bex xx

Ooh, thanks, Bex. As for posting it in ML - it's a bit lengthy, don't you think? Perhaps in Suepet's writing club....

Katy

I came here from your link in ML otherwise, and just wanted to say how much I enjoyed it.

Thanks, Bonsie!

Katy

Katy, this was lovely. I'm glad you had such a great time.

Thanks, Meenister!

I'll put you on the central ML List, shall I? Do say if you'd rather not be!

Katy