Journal Entries
KAT gives up
Posted Sep 18, 2004
ive been chucked. she doesnt love me. i respect that. it still hurts though.
Discuss this Journal entry [10]
Latest reply: Sep 18, 2004
KAT'S back!!!
Posted Sep 14, 2004
Hello everyone!!!
Thank you for the messages.
It's all rather a long story.
Two weeks ago I suddenly got scared. Not of anything, just really scared and suicidal. SO i decided to go and stay with a friend to make sure I didnt do anything. So I got on a train going south, but decided I was too scared and it wasnt safe enough, so i got off that train and onto one going to liverpool, decided that wasn't safe and got on one to Manchester, decided that wasn't safe enough and finally got on a train to cambridge.
Once i got to cambridge i immediately walked to the hospital casuality and told them I was going to commit suicide. after waiting there for 5 hours i finally got taken to the psychiatric unit and got to stay the night.
The next morning a psychiatrist came to see me and said that i didnt need to be in hospital for my condition. I said that i did and if they discharged me i would do something serious and it was important. She insisted that i didnt need to be in hospital but that i could wait and talk to the consultant if i really wanted. By this time i could see that she wasn't taking me seriously and i was starting to question myself because if a professional said i didnt need to be in hospital then maybe i was wrong.The consultant came and said "you can go"...that was it. So they turfed me out of the hospital.
I ran to Nick's college and grabbed her out of a lesson, told her what had happened and that i couldnt deal with it. She said that i had to go home or to a hospital in birmingham. I said i was too scared and couldnt deal with it.
I then walked infront of a car!
So there i was on the road screaming nick's name, and the car driver was standing over me yelling that id just walked out and what the hell did i think i was doing!?
So, rushed to hospital, clothes cut off me, leg set with 3 huge nails inside my leg on the bone, 43 staples in my leg, 10 stitches in my arm, and a cast on my arm....all on my left side.
No sooner do they wheel me into a ward, high on anesthetic and morphine then i start to scream and scream! I'd got this rare thing called, i think, compartment syndrome. It means that the muscles tense up so much that no oxygen can got to them and effectively your leg starts dying! The cure is to slice the leg open to make the muscles loose. So THEN i also had a HUGE hole in my leg! They then took a skin graft from my thigh and put it over the hole. A skin graft is where they remove the top layer on skin and stretch it over the hole and it grows onto the surrounding skin and over the hole. It looks like a bag of minced meat with plastic netting over it!
So two weeks in hospital later and Im at home finally! I had been in a ward FULL of old loopy people!
I've got crutches and am doing pretty good on them. One is a gutter crutches because of my broken wrist. This means that the top of the crutch has a groove for my arm so that its bent 90degrees at the elbow, so effectively the crutches goes from my elbow instead on the normal one using your whole arm.
On the psych front...well not a lot of new stuff is happening right now but i think that people will be more inclined to listen to me and sort things faster...and of course the psych unit in cambridge is being VERY quiet having cocked up so amazingly. If i turn up there asgain i think they may have a different approach!
So yes all in all a very extreme form of self-harm which i wouldnt recommend at all. Ive also lost a LOT of friends over this because they cant deal with it and "have to look after themselves first".
Discuss this Journal entry [39]
Latest reply: Sep 14, 2004
Kat HATES Psychs
Posted Aug 4, 2004
I walked out of the psych after two minutes! 
Previously I had said that I didnt want to see her again, she said to make another appointment for when she got the report from the psychologist and that she would see about getting me a different psychiatrist at the same time. Did she? noooo!!! she says I have to put it in writing that I dont want to see her and when I got angry and said she never told me that she said she was telling me now and that she had never said anything else. I also asked how much longer I have to take the tablets before I can say they dont work...she said until my moods stabilised!!! 
HOW BLOODY USELESS ARE PEOPLE!?
So...new plan! The psychologist is hopefully going to call me today...Im going to go and see the GP on friday to get him to sort out the psychiatrist and to talk to him about DLA.
I mean she bloody asked me....
How do you feel?
Fine
How have you been these past weeks?
Fine
Are you still cutting?
No (this is a lie but previously she's gone on and on about the fact that Im not doing what she asks and that I cause trouble for people etc)
Have you got a job yet?
No (way to go to make a kid feel crap! Well done! As if I can actually get a job! she knows that!!!)
Have you had any thoughts of killing yourself?
*laugh* thats like asking me have I been showering regularly or something which you know I do! Of course I have!
How often?
Erm...stupid question...every day!? Look you said yourself you can't help me so why are you bothering with this? None of this is helping in any possible way is it? It's just recording what i tell you with no aims or anything!
Look I know hwat Im doing, you dont tell me my job, I never said that I cant help you. I dont want any confrontation with you. Im here to do my job.
Right fine then Im leaving. bye!
ARGH!!! IM SO ANGRY!!!!
Discuss this Journal entry [93]
Latest reply: Aug 4, 2004
Katkat-Things To Do
Posted Jul 31, 2004
Add:
WATERMUSIC
U-number: U552734
WLTL:
WLTP: Portuguese
WLTT: Portuguese
Talk to Joe C re:
Danish Dept
Dutch Dept
Portugeuse?
Start English dept.
Make noise on Saxaphone
Cut out snacks
Try not to fall into deep depression, just a mini-depression
Discuss this Journal entry [8]
Latest reply: Jul 31, 2004
Katkat does normal!
Posted Jul 29, 2004
Well maybe not normal exactly but much better than usual!
So I came back from holiday in Cornwall which was lovely by the by, and then went straight to my friend's to stay. Now Im at home but am thinking of trying to go somewhere. Although right now Im not considering it as Nick's mum is in hospital and I want to see what's happening there first.
Nick did in fact chuck me again in Cornwall...for one hour and twenty minutes. It was so long because we both fell asleep at some point, rather exhausted. But it's typical of us and we're still ticking along as normal.
Nick's mum got taken into hospital today by her doctor for a chest infection. She's had double pneumonia and all sorts before and since she had cancer two years ago she's had a very low immune system. I think she's insisting on coming home tonight though. If she doesn't however and they are keeping her in past tomorrow then I'm going to leap on a train tomorrow and go there. Nick will break down soon if she's left to look after her and Jo for too long. When her mum had cancer it was alright because she was more okay. Now however she's pushing through the depression to stay on top of things and she will have a serious breakdown very soon. I'm different. If I have to push through for other people then I can do it with no obvious effects. Oh well we shall see what happens.
I'm feeling good right now. Bit hyper but I dont think people would notice too much if they didn't know me. It's very rare I feel like this. I feel like this maybe two or three times a year? I feel really normal! It's at these times that I think I should just go to college or go to work or something...but from experience I know that I really shouldn't try it because I'll fall soon enough and then be left with a mess. So instead I'm playing a lot of clarinet and reading a lot.
Anyway there's probably a lot more to say but I can't remember right now so never mind.
Katkat
Discuss this Journal entry [2]
Latest reply: Jul 29, 2004
Kat - From H2G2
Researcher U234368
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