h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Having more or less resolved our own situation, Yael and myself, I feel I also owe you an apology, sir. I'm more than familiar with what curiosity does to the , and should know better.

And so I extend regrets and apologies for having over-stepped, and intruded.

Well, curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.

I would say no harm, no foul, but Yael did kinda get hurt. She's sensitive about that kinda thing.

Me, though... psh. Thanks for coming and apologizing, but there's no need to, really.

...especially since goofnut went and blabbed her mouth of to everybody about all this.
(That's just bait. I know she'll read it, sooner or later...)

She has spoken about you several times, as someone whom she respects, so above all, I'm just glad you two are cool again.

You're alright in my book, Nick.

Take it easy, Padre.

Oh, I know that somehow she will make you pay for that comment.

The Lady has heart and depth that continue to amaze and impress me. And along with that is quite a measure of sensitivity. Unfortunately, my history tends to leave me a bit dense and less than sensitive to others at times. I only hope that enough time will ease that bruise for her.

Meanwhile, you've found a fine friend and Lady there. I really hope you appreciate just how lucky your are.

And now, I'm off to attend my daily stuff.

Somehow, yes. I'm sure she will. (hope so. Masochist...)
...no thanks to you, what with rattin' me out, and all!

But it's okay. Like she said, she reads EVERYTHING.

...oh, yeah. She gave me the link to your convo.

...this is all so complex.

Appreciation. Funny thing. They say you never appreciate things until they are gone.

But for me, having been long ago diagnosed with chronic depression and dysthymia, this is the most amazing thing ever.

It's like I'm seeing for the first time in my life, after being blind since birth.

Even if I weren't so f**ked up in the head, I know she would make me very happy, but for me to feel anything at all,

let alone feel the way she makes me feel every day,

is nothing short of miraculous.

, and thanks, Nick. Have a day, eh!

Hey, ya don't have to run away already. I'm popping in to help a shift-working friend in Wales pass her long night. And simply put, I am ALWAYS open to a possible new friend.

Since finding hootoo, I've heard a-plenty of depression, chronic, clinical, and who knows how many other flavours. In my circles, it's all been generally stuff that folks muddled through ... So slowly I'm learning how real and debilitating it can be for some. But as for dysthymia? That's a word vaguely familiar to me. Have you a bit of time to describe? If not tonight, another day. I ain't going nowhere for a lonnnnnng time.

And one last bit ... I grew knowing only the life of being the brunt of everything for 5 siblings and one of the two parents. I found it far safer to never have or express ANY emotions. So I do know what an impact the first REAL feelings can have. Little words like magic and miraculous don't even start to describe it, eh?

I only get so much time on the computer I was using, and was on my way to a concert anyway, so had to jet.

Great concert, BTW.

Anyhoo, dysthymia. ...imagine your emotions as a wave on a graph. Like a sine funtion. Sometimes it's up above the zero line (HAPPY!), and sometimes it dips down below the line (sad).

But for the most part it's a nice smooth curve. If you're near the 0 line, you're feeling BLAH. Something fun happens, it climbs up above the line until it peaks out, stays there for a while after the fun stops happening, and gradually slopes back down towards the blah line.

You get the idea.

With dysthymia, though, the change is both dampened, and drastic.

If something really fun happens, your curve might climb up to, say, +12. But dysthymia only lets you get up to +5.

And as soon as the fun stops, it doesn't linger there before sinking back down.

As soon as it's over, POW! You're back to zero.
Thanks for playing.

So the really shaft factor in my situation is that with depression AND dysthymia, I am never at zero line.

I'm always hovering around -3. So when I'm doing something I would normally enjoy, this sometimes only brings me to BLAH,

so nothing ever really feels worth doing.

When something bad happens, true, it doesn't get me as down as it would for someone else (resulting in me having a reputation of being a cold-hearted b*stard)
but I'm already down to begin with, so sometimes things really seem not so great.

But all that changed about two weeks ago, and since then, I've really been off the chart in the positive.

Like you said, words don't even come close.

It's like trying to perform surgery with a jagged rock.

So crude, it's almost better not to even bother.

Gotta go again, soon,
!!
Hey, and I got your e-mail,

WHICH YAEL CAN'T READ!!!! HAHAHAHA! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT SAID!!

...unless Nick goes and blabs it. Nobody can keep their traps shut around here...

so yeah, let's do it.

I've been a science and math for well over 30 years. And an electronics dude for 28+ now. So instead of the sine, I am picturing more of a tangent graph, centred several notches below the zero. I get the gist. All I can say is "sorry" and hope what-ever you can find as treatments to ease the over-all effects are helpful. And let ya know that e-mail line is always open.

Which, BTW, is a confidential line, and even Agent Bunny-Rabbit hasn't yet the code to crack it.

Take care, friend.

! Yea! You like S&M, too!

...Yes, of course I mean Science and Math; what did you think I was talking about?

Wasn't sure how much I would need to explain. Most of the time I get lots of blank stares as soon as I mention 'curve'.

And Yalushka is a Lit. Student, so I thought I'd keep it simple.
Love ya, mean it.

Speaking of whom, Agent Bunny-Rabbit?
Geez, she has more nicknames than anyone I've ever met.

Although unlike most, this one makes no sense whatsoever (to me).

I've taken to referring to her in my mind as Agent Mountain Goat, but that's because that's a translation of 'Yael'.

Bunny rabbit?

*****

As for treatments, no chemicals to date have been very beneficial.
Seems that Yael is the perfect anti-depressant, though, so it's all clear from here on.

Have a day!

I have a recently divorced Mom-of-3-girls, with girls, in my yard for a BBQ supper. So I've only a few minutes.

My time in the military was, by definition, service and repair of anything radio, radar, navaids or computer/processor. So with that much electronics, you KNOW some formulae will always be at the tip of the tongue.

Over my Christmas week, I installed a bath-tub surround and encountered some very annoying, congested zones for the soldering. (I am, BTW, the son of a licensed plumbing and heating contractor) Somehow, the exchanges evolved into code, a-twixt an Agent Plumber and, ... well, that other one.

So, who really has the market on out-sane?

Hope your BBQ went well.

...how odd. My father is also a plumber (govt. worker at Puget Sound Naval Shipyard, Bremerton)

And just the other day I put in a tub surround.
He bought a new house, so I've been helping fix up the old one to sell.

Sparky, eh? Ah, you guys are okay. I was a mechanic (janitor) and occasionally fell prey to the electrician's call "Hey, coul you hold this".

I usually got them back, though. Nowhere they can run, on a submarine.

...ooh, it's getting close to 723 day! Gotta go. Plans...

Amongst good and fair folks, everyone wears a prank. And returns the favour one way or another.

And a body can NEVER be too handy around a house, a shop or anything else.

Enjoy what-ever "723 Day" is, and I'll see around somewhere.

Boat I was on was SSN 723 (Uss Oklahoma City - The Sooner, the Better)

So every July 23 (723?) we'd always go have a 'Festival of hatred and bitterness' which pretty much involved cheap food, bad movies, and copious amounts of alcohol.

I gotta hold up my end of the deal, for all the guys who have to still be there.

723 day. Good time had by some.

Ah. So it's pack a spare pair of shorts, a load of money, and an even bigger load of Tylenol, eh?

I'm sure you'll enjoy the bitch, moan and drip-fest. And mostly, just the sharing time again. Have a cheap drink for me, will ya?

Well, still waiting to officially celebrate. But it's in the works. Got sidetracked in a good way on Saturday, so ended up, despite geography's best efforts, online at the same time as Yael.

Had a good night. But now it almost hurts more.

We listened to the same radio program, off the internet at
http://www.1077theend.com

I tune in every Sat midnight to 2AM Sun morning.

And for two hours, it was like we weren't apart. Listening to the same songs, talking back and forth.

And now that it's over, it's just that much more obvious just how far away we are.

But like I've been thinking,
if eleven thousand kilometers can't beat us,

then what the f**k can?

Thanks for listening. Have a good'un, Nick.

Friend, I somewhat know the feelings. Before we married, milady was still working a radar site in the middle of Manitoba, and I was in an under-ground complex in Ontario. For 2 years, we had the mails and the phone.

You have the benefit of the internet, the e-mails, hootoo. Much less costly, yet nearly instantaneous, contact. It ain't the same as being there, but I'm sure the pair of you will work something out.

Keep on keeping on ...

Yeah. It'll work out.
Like your new tagline.

Hope it's true.

I gotta go. Promised someone I'd get more sleep.

Been not sleeping so much lately.

I'm sure you know how that goes.

Have a night!

For me, at 4 am, my day is just beginning.

Sleep well, and see ya around the wires.

"A glooming peace this morning with it brings; The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things; Some shall be pardon'd, and some punished: For never was a story of more woe Than this of Juliet and her Romeo." Yeah, well, at least they f**kin' met each other. ...oh, I needed somewhere to vent, and my usual friend is useless this time around. So you knowing Yael as you do, are now the unfortunate repository of my angst. Feel free to not listen at all. I just need to think I've told someone. I just wish this didn't have to hurt so much. I've never been happier, or really, for that matter, I've never been happy, period. But I've never been this sad, at the same time. ...I don't know if you are familiar with The Bible, religious or literary, but there's a story that resonates with me. Peter walking on water. A group of disciples are out on a boat, and a storm comes in. They are all afraid, but then Jesus walks out to them on the water. ...well, actually, they get more afraid, thinking he's a . But then they recognize him, and Peter tells him that if he (Jesus) tells him (Peter) to, he (Peter) will also walk out on the water to him (Jesus). Well, Jesus gives him the say-so with the okay-so, and Peter walks on water. As long as he's looking at Jesus, he's fine. But then he looks away. Sees the waves. Becomes fearful. Sinks. Jesus walks over, pulls him up and into the boat. ***** It's just the greatest thing every time she's online, or has posted something, or I see I've gotten an e-mail. When I'm looking at her, I can do anything. But there's so many waves, Nick. Sometimes, even when I'm talking to her, like during our weekly radio show, I start thinking that I'm just fooling myself, and sooner or later I'll have to log off, and then things will be right back to me sitting alone in a room on the wrong side of the world, with nothing to show but a broken heart. I'd do anything for her. Anything to make her happy. Her happiness is so much more important to me than my own, even for me as a dysthymic. Who is not about to give up my own new found happiness. But I keep seeing all these f**kin' waves, and thinking "Walk away. It's for the best. Let her off easy, and don't look back." ***** She tried calling me the other day. Gave her my number and a time to call. For whatever reason, it didn't work; my phone service wouldn't accept. Why is some trivial thing like that making me think that all this is hopeless? Do the waves ever go away, Nick? It isn't a question of 'is it worth it'. It's already been worth it just getting to know her, and I'm sticking with this till the end, but ... I guess what I'm hoping is to hear that everyone goes through this, it's perfectly normal, and everyone else beats it and I will, too. ***** That's how you get over your fear of skydiving. You think of how many people have been afraid in the past (truth be told, all of them) yet did it anyway, and you think of how many people will do it after you, whether you do it or not. And then you tell yourself, "They didn't let this beat them. They didn't break the grand tradition." And then you take a deep breath and jump. I'm an avid skydiver, but I've never been afraid like I am now. ***** If you feel like responding to any of this, that would be great. Please don't just tell me what I want to hear, though. I'd prefer for you to tell me what I need to hear. Therein lies the problem... It's up to you to decide what that is. But Yael has a great amount of faith in your wisdom. ...although... That's another thing. How a small little thing ...well, for her it wasn't a small thing... http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/F635002?thread=609634&post=7453406#p7453406 That. When you lurked into things. You should read posts 167 through 170. You can read the whole thing, if you want to. Great story. ...If you haven't learned your lesson, yet Just kidding. (although, it would help in order to understand the crowbar reference.

I've just woken, and not yet hit the shower. So my thinking may be as fuzzy as my vision right now ...

Nawww, I won't go back and read what-ever that link would take me too. I KNOW how hurt she was, and it tore me up for that couple of days. Because she IS such a good-hearted girl, and I hate to ever hurt anyone. You've no idea how relieved I was when we re-opened our own connections again.

I was raised Roman Catholic, ... catechism, altar boy, pondered being an actual priest, all of that. So yeah, I know of Peter's attempt at wave-walking. (I've also read some of the Qu'ran, the old and new Testaments, the Talmud, Egytian and Tibetan books of the dead, ... lots of light reading)

Anyway, milady and I were about 1,000 miles apart for the 2 years before we married. Mind you, we did have phone and snail-mails, long before the internet left the military world and became part of the real one. We managed to keep as tight as needed, and now are approaching our 18th anniversary. I have known others who have let the waves scuttle them. So in essence, I can't scry how you'll make out. All I do know is that your Lady is tough, resourceful and determined. So if there is a way for you two to over-come the many miles, she will do her part to ensure it happens. Only you can know if you're strong enough to meet her half-way. I know nearly nothing of you, personally. But going on the basis that you DO push yourself out of planes (I'd love to someday), and of your own accord boarded subs which are never guaranteed to come back up, ... Simply, you've got a goodly measure of intestinal fortitude as well. Between you? I'd be willing to bet cash money in your favour.

So for right now, I can only suggest that you live each day as fully as you can. Build yourself and any possible resources up. And treasure every second that you can share with her. Safe in the knowledge that, even after you log-off, she is just as real as ever, ... just out of sight briefly. And that you'll meet her again soon. Accept the quiet intervals as the shallow troughs between gentle waves, NOT the huge descent that follows the crests every surfer dreams of.

Take care of you, as best you can. That is the best thing you can do for her for now. So that she isn't worrying, fretting and wondering if YOU are okay.

Later, mate.

I've never been good with saying thankyou, so thanks, Nick.

You've become part of something very special.

You're alright. ...for a Canadian, anyhoo.