h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

**This rant was placed on Livejournal.com, much like most of my other ones. It is now here to facilitate reader ease. If you wish to read the unedited version, search LJ. I'm not that hard to find.**



Monday, May 9th, 2005


Subject: How to cheat on your wife
Time: 10:56 am.

Was bored and at a bookstore, so found a book and read it. It was called

The Script.
by Elizabeth Landers and Vicky Manzer

This book is all about everything a man does to clue you in that he's cheating on you. They say every man does the same things, like cheating were scripted, because they have read hundreds of letters from wives who were cheated on, and every husband did the same things.

They never take into account that the letters they read were all from vindictive, angry single women trying to paint themselves as victims, but that wouldn't sell the book if they were objective about it.

Truth hurts, and these women have already been hurt enough, I guess.


The first sign your husband is cheating on you is that you both hear about some else cheating on his wife and your husband says "I would never do that to you".

So apparently, the right way to convince your wife you are faithful is to find someone who did it, and applaud that man's courage. Maybe even go so far as to say you would do the same thing, in his position.

Then later on, as time goes by, every husband says "Honey, you're depressed. You should see a psychiatrist".

So to prove your faithfulness, never show concern for your crazy wife's erratic behavior. Call her a psycho, but say that's what makes her so interesting.

Then every guy recommends she go back to school. Or get a job. Or go to the gym.

...so to prove you are not cheating on your wife, never approve of any of her dreams or goals. If she ever talks about maybe going back to school, or losing some weight, call her a dumbass and insist she remain a lazy, worthless slob of a housewife. That'll prove you're not cheating on her.

The book just keeps getting worse.

Eventually, every guy buys an expensive gift for his wife.

WAKE THE F&*#, YOU STUPID LOSERS! EVERY HUSBAND DOES THAT!
All this book is, is saying every guy does these things, and planting paranoia in womens minds.

"My husband breathed regularly, and he cheated on me. So if your man breathes, that's a sure sign he's cheating!"

Give up. The authors have been victimized, which sucks, but they won't let go of it. They insist on putting seeds of doubt into everyone else.

And that is really stale.

Eventually, they say he'll start using mostly cash instead of credit cards. All married couples do that. It's f@&%in debt consolidation/ avoidance.

***************

Everyone should read a different book. It's called Haunted. Written by Chuck Palahniuk. It's about how when life gives you lemons, you devote your life to owning lemons. You hang on to the misfortunes instead of letting them go and moving on with your life.

I read it, and felt like I was sitting in church with the pastor pointing his finger at me.

Because I have been doing that for years. Hanging on tooth and nail to all my little failures.

Just let it all go.

And don't cheat on your wife. If you want to, you should buy a gun and fire a bullet through your mouth into your stomach. It won't immediately kill you, but the shock will make you vomit, and it will travel through your esophagus until it gets to the bullet hole, at which point the puke will contaminate your body and poison you, and you'll die a slow agonizing death of toxic shock.

Which is exactly what cheating does to your marriage, you, your spouse, and everyone around you. Never worth it.

And these self appointed saviors are only making things worse.

I f%$@ing hate people. Marriage is such a sham already. Now any nice thing your husband does to try and save it is a surefire sign it's already over.

Don't get married, and never fall in love.

Only way to be happy. Go to Hell.

<>

Way too cynical, Dan. Thats like saying 'I'll never go outside because I might get hit by a bus.' Yeah, that could happen, but think of all the things you would miss if you sat inside for the rest of your life.

I may be a dreamer after all...

I said right from the getgo it was a rant! I had a lot of other things going on, and it just felt good to bounce off the walls for a bit.
I don't know that I really feel that way now, but I did at the time.

What's this talk of big green toads?

Sometimes I just don't fit...

Fitting in is overrated, Jay... (sorry, I feel like I'm butting in - but I _was_ given the link)

Anyway, Nuke - >>Was bored and at a bookstore<< sounds like an oxymoron to me. Come on, you have A WHOLE BOOKSTORE to read from! Why on Earth would you pick a self-help book?

*shrug* I don't know, I never read those. Just don't see the point.

Haunted sounds interesting. I wonder if it will ever get here... well, there actually was something about Palahniuk in the paper some time ago, so you never know.
Not that it matters, really - recently I just don't get to read any books just because I _want_ to, only because I _need_ to.
Ran into some good stuff this way, though. Last week I read two excellent books for my Modern It. Lit. class that I probably wouldn't have read otherwise: Pirandello's 'The Late Mattia Pascal' and Cesare Pavese's 'The Moon and the Bonfire'. Really loved both, especially 'The Moon and the Bonfire'; it's about... well, it's about Italy in the times around WWII, but it's about going back home, and how everything changes but some things never change. Very beautiful.