h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oh. And then there's the fact that my birthday was on Mother's day, and my mother, who I wrote that chicken poem for, and I haven't spoken to each other for two months because of something stupid that we each blame the other for.

Garden variety depression. It's all good.

Hey,

Read your book reviews. The first book, The Script, is apparently the new get rich quick scheme in America – write a book that preys on people’s paranoia and self esteem.

But take it for what it’s worth. It’s hardly the first designed to plant seeds of doubt in a woman’s psyche. Look at all of the diet books out there...Atkins, South Beach, hell even Weight Watchers try to fly under the cover of “Self Help”, but the underlying message to susceptible women is that you can’t succeed in life or love without first LOOKING GOOD. And the message sent to pre-teens and teenagers by Britney Spears and Christina Aguillera and their marketing masters is that sex sells! Exploit your body! Men will love you!

DIE, ALL YOU F%*&ING B*#@ARDS!

But, give it to all of these people...they know their target audience.

Anyway...

Your second book, Haunted, sounded like good practical sense. Did it give any help as to JUST HOW to let go of things and move on? Because, see, that’s the hard part. And knowing when to let go. And if you should let go. Sometimes pain becomes such an ingrained part of you, that you feel as though if you let it go, you will lose yourself with it.

Which brings me to your mother. You said you haven’t spoken in two months, each blaming the other for something stupid. So, is it something you can let go of? Do you want to let it go? Is it worth it to hang on to it? You mentioned it in the context of your birthday and mother’s day, so I know it is something that bothers you. If it would help, you can tell me about it.


So today I took a day of vacation from work so I’m at home. Been sort of feeling small. Didn’t feel like I could plaster on a smile today and act like things were fine.

And hey, thanks for answering that question about what doesn’t belong in a most unexpected way. Take my word for it, it helped.

Jay, The Big Green Toad

Geez, this is so serendipitous. ...I think I made that word up. Anyway, I just wrote a peom, well, a couple days ago, that was all about LOOKING GOOD.

...okay, fine.
Here it is...
Not really committed to a title yet, but I've been calling it

"Brand New You"

Tired of your sucky little middle-class life?
You can change it all; just go under the knife
Couple thousand bucks, 'cause nothing comes for free
But it's worth it in the end, for some plastic surgery.

We'll cut off the nose that's been spiting your face
Then give you a new one and a head start on this race
Got a flabby stomach that's always holding you back?
Happiness comes from within, along with a new six-pack

It's the size of your lips that tells who the boss hires
So we can pump them up, just like bicycle tires
Your teeth really need some help, so let us grab the drill
And replace that mangled old set with a brand new shiny grille

There's no need to worry, and there's no need to fuss
You were right to bring all your problems straight to us
Confidence, self-esteem, and power of the will
Can all be yours, just as soon as we settle on the bill

Your breasts are pathetic; there's no one you'll impress
A couple sizes bigger is the key to success
Deep thinking is overrated; you want to really shock and awe:
Get yourself some nice deep cleavage and a brand new Wonderbra

Repeat after me "Do you think this dress makes my butt look big?"
You'll ask that a lot, 'cause with this new ass, you'll no longer look like a twig
Now head down to the sunshine room and they will get you tanned
People will think you've lived your life just lying on the sand

It's a good thing you hated yourself enough to want to change
Why everyone doesn't want to improve is something I find strange
Because the uglier on the inside you are, it seems so clear to me,
The hotter on the outside, you have to appear to be!


*******
It's nothing new. Nothing you haven't heard before. Just in my words.
What?! Can't afford to not jump on this bandwagon!

Anyway, Haunted didn't really tell how to. But since everyone who didn't change, which was everyone, **SPOILER ALERT** ended up mutilating themselves and each other, most to the point of death, it's more of a shock motivation that I don't want to end up like that.

Can't really say I would go about things the same way if I were in that situation, but the fact that I wasn't 100% sure things wouldn't go that way was enough.

I don't want to talk about my mom. But thanks for the offer. Rest assured, if I ever do, it'll be to you. And Yael. But you first.

Well, have a good little vacation. Those are great. And, yeah, pretty much if you ever need a non-conventional answer to anything, I'm a good guy to come to.

Breaks my heart that there are people out there who would say the toad didn't belong. From where you are right now, half the world is upside down! Can't expect everyone to be the same. It's the differences that make things so great.

...well, that, and I've always liked going into swamps and listening to big green toads. I may have been biased.

I don't think so, though.

Dream all you want. No one can tell you you're not doing it right!

Good poem! But I think I'll go out of this world with just what God gave me, that's all.

And I don't mean to pry about your mother. I just hope it works out for you.

So my friends self worth and self doubt have been playing outside of the closet this past weekend, and I'm taking the time to lock them back up.

Also, Louisiana's State Income taxes are due today, and I haven't even started on working on them. Nothing like waiting till the last minute!

And thanks for the nice words....

Hey, it's been a few days...hope everything is ok. Looks like the site may be shut down Monday, so I hope to talk to you after that.

Heya Jay. I'm great, just been really busy lately. Lots of stuff going on.

Read all about it.

So, if I remember correctly, you came up with this toad thing saying that sometimes you just don't fit.

...Everyone has their natural environment. Sure, toads don't belong on the highway. That's because they're the kings of the swamp.

I often feel like I'm not in my natural environment. There's no easy way to disguise it, or trick yourself into belonging.

But that's why escapes are so great.

Try painting. You might just be back in the marsh in no time.

I'm glad things are good...I'd like to read about whats going on, but I can't find you! I'm guessing you mean livejournal. I've done searches on the site for nuclearconfusion (too many letters), nuclear, confusion, nuke, etc., etc., I even created a free account to see if it would let me expand the search (it didn't).

So if you still want me to read about it, you've got to give me a clue...yeah, I'm blonde, but that's beside the point...

But I have to admit, it feels a little like voyeurism, but you did invite me to read it. Twice. But I will let you reserve the right to kick me out at any time. OK? No questions asked.

As for the toad thing...
That was written at a time when I was feeling low...no other way to explain it...I'm better now, with a little help from friends like you. Thanks. And as unlikely as it seems, being king of the swamp is not such a bad thing I guess...

Jay

Drat. You were just online. No matter.

hehe, I meant read all about it, because I was going to put in a journal entry about stuff that's been going on. But I got sidetracked, and ran out of time, so sorry for leaving you at a cliffhanger like that. I'll be sure to get an entry in before I leave today.

Anyway, my livejournal is a little over a years worth of bitching whining and complaining, and insessant weirdness. Still interested, I'm

nukewaste

be sure to friend me. Because it's not what you have to say that matters. It's how many people you have to say it to.

Quantity over quality!

<>

EGOMANIAC!

hey, you're on LJ, too. You know how it works. The measure of a man is how many comments he receives.

Well, just created the account, BUT I CANT GET THE FRIGGIN THING TO LET ME WRITE A JOURNAL ENTRY! It keeps kicking me off the site. It might just be my Piece o' Crap computer...or I need to read the directions...

Just found you, though...haven't read anything yet.

Still kinda weirded out. Way it goes. Hope you're cool.

The Seattle Folklife Festival is in town this weekend. All kinds of neat ethnic food and music and arts and crafts and food. Lots of food.

I always enjoy going.

*Trying to avoid eye contact*
...umm

please don't do that anymore. scare me like that.

Don't worry.

Have fun at the festival. Have a deep-fried twinkie for me...

So, I had a good time yesterday. My cousin from out of state and his family were in town, so we were able to get together at my brother's house. We just sat around, had some beer, and John (my brother) bar-b-qued ribs and chicken. Just a nice relaxing good time. It felt good.

Look, geez, let's just forget all of that other stuff...

I hope we're cool...

Supercool. Had a great weekend. Hope yours is going okay.

You are a really hard person to write a poem about. I've been trying.

So got a brother John. Any other family? Or pets? ...unless they count as family, cause some people do that...

Have a day, Jay.

...you aren't a Scientologist, are you? old song by the Nails:

"Judy came from O-HI-O
She's a scientologist!"

Just checking.

...and I'm feeling cadmium yellow, and ultramarine blue, and burnt sienna, and raw umber, and...

I bought paint! Can I get a big HELL YES! Or just a woo hoo?
And I bought new brushes and some treated paper to get back in the swing of things with. No canvases yet, but give me break.


So I've been living in the real world for the past few days. I have an uncle who was diagnosed with the Big C about six weeks ago. He was in the hospital here, but was referred over to M.D. Anderson Cancer Treatment Hospital in Houston, TX about a month ago. He is undergoing chemo now, and possibly will have to have radiation treatments when the chemo is finished. I went to Houston this weekend to visit him. All things considered, I guess he's doing all right. The doctors say his tumor (throat cancer) has shrunk a good bit, and they're very incouraged by that, but they really won't know anything until after two more weeks of the chemo, then they will do some biopsies of his lymph nodes, and should know more then.

Anyway...he's very special to me.

********

So, I was reading your livejournal entries, and I have some suggestions for your nickname...
Ramblin' Dan?
Choo Choo Charlie?
Steel Wheelin' Stan?
Railin' Dan?
Loco Dan? (As in short for locomotive, of course!)

Will you be actually buying tickets for your destinations? Because if you have plans to just jump a train, you may want to get used to "Hey-you-get-off-my-damn-train-before-I-call-the-cops" Dan as your nickname. Just saying. And I think you need a theme song. I'll work on that...


And no, definitely NOT a scientologist.
But if I had a nickel for every time someone has made reference to a song or film about Judy, well, I'd have a $**t load of nickels!
There's the old song Judy In Disguise (the band was local);
Suite: Judy Blue Eyes by Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young (my eyes are green);
...and my personal favorite, "Judy Judy Judy" spoken by Cary Grant in some movie before my time...
And now I hear of a song by NIN. Not from Ohio, and not a scientologist. So I'm cool with Jay. Or Judy. You decide.

Well, really have to run. I'm glad you had a great weekend, and I'll talk to you later.

Wait. Did you say you're trying to write a poem about me?

Dan, what a beautiful gift. Wow.


...umm, you do remember that my name is NOT "Lindsay", right?

Ramblin' Dan... I kinda like that. It's sortof a play on ramblin' man, and what with my name being Dan and all...

Nope, though. No ticket. ...although that's what Harrison Ford said in that Indiana Jones movie right after he threw that guy off the Zepplin.

...eh, I'm having second thoughts about the whole thing, anyway. There used to be an artist from around here, called Subculture Joe. Used to be, because he got killed by a train about a week or so ago.

Outside the Seattle Art Museum, there is a huge statue of a man swinging a hammer. That guy once made a giant ball and chain and attached it to the statue's leg. It was funny while it lasted.

...oh, and the band isn't Nine Inch Nails, although I like them more than I should. It's just The Nails. The song is '88 Lines About 44 Women'. It's a classic. Good times.

And you're one of only two Judys I've ever known (since 'met' doesn't apply) so this isn't going to be a comparison poem like the Lindsay one.

If it ever happens. Lately, all I've been coming up with is punk anthems.

creativity ex nativity

Now that's what I call a nickname...Subculture Joe.
And I don't want you to end up like him!

I think I have a one-up on him. I know better than to try to get on the train from the front.

"Aim for the sides, and don't get under it!"
And old ramblin' man told me that, once. I was stuck in Billings, Montana - broken car - and he recommended the rails.

I had my car fixed and drove out a week later, but the seed was planted, and is yearning to sprout.