Journal Entries
The importance of models
Posted Oct 1, 2003
I shall start with a story...
The girl that I used to be was not a happy child. There were problems and a great deal of confusion and lonliness. When I reached the age of twenty I had begun the process of change that led to me growing into the woman that I am now.
I went to university. I was not so different from the child that I had been, still confused and lonely, but by then determined to learn and become more than I was. Though I did not know it I was searching...
And I found Virginia. It was my first semester and I was taking a class on women's writing. One of the books I had to read was A Room of One's Own. I knew nothing about the woman who had written it, but her ideas and, more importantly, her unmistakable charisma, spoke to me so clearly and directly that I was overwhelmed and awed. It seemed amazing that a woman who had died nearly half a centuary before I was born could have so much to say to me.
I had found my first role-model and a powerful source of identification and inspiration. I was perhaps a little late in finding someone in whom I could see myself reflected, but the impact was all the more dramatic because of that.
Not long after I started talking to a girl who shared that women's writing class with me. I was shy and not the most sparkling conversationalist but I was undeniably drawn to her and by some miracle she seemed to be equally drawn to me. We talked once a week after class. Wonderful intense conversations that went on for so long, with so much reluctance to part that she missed afternoon classes rather than leave my company.
It was incredible and troubling. I had not admitted my sexuality, even to myself, and she was visibly queer. We spoke once a week for five weeks, then, having never said a word to each other about attraction or the possibiity of getting together we found ourselves in a relationship.
This was the second dramatic identity shaping event in my life at that time. My love of her and my love of Virginia grew hand in hand. She had been out since she was thirteen and knew a great deal more than me. She knew about Virginia's fling with Vita Sackville west.
So I discovered that my idol was queer at the same time that I discovered that I was. There followed an intense period of study, which was lucky since I was at uni for that purpose. I learned that I had more in common with Virginia than sexuality, feminism and writing, for like me she suffered from manic depression and had been sexually abused by her brother. All of this cemented the attraction which had begun with simple admiration of her writing talent and sympathy with her feminist principles. I found someone who reflected the most troublesome aspects of my own identity in a way that helped me better understand myself.
These two inextricably connected events changed me completely. They gave me the love and understanding that I needed so badly. Though they are closely linked for me they represent very different types of identification.
In my partner I have a shared source of identification, I reflect her as much as she does me. This is common and perhaps even necessary in the formation of a relationship. There is a process by which a couple forges a shared identity, understanding and empathy pass both ways, every experience is explored to find common ground. Not every experience is shared, nor every opinion held in common. The differences are as important as the similarities, for identity is formed in opposition as much similarity. As important as knowing what you are is knowing what you are not.
With Virginia I have found something more stable. She is fixed in amber, unchanging, and I respond to her without having to give anything of myself. It is inherantly safer. She will never change, could never reject or hurt me. Not that I think Grace ever would, but the possibility is there in any relationship with a two way dynamic.
And identification is important for so many reasons. Role-models shape our idea of our selves, hopefully making changes for the better, and they show us what we can do and more importantly what we can be. In Virginia I see myself writ large, with every potential fulfilled. Because of her I know what can be done by a woman who yearns to write, and how much that writing can change the world. Because she did, I know that it is possible for me to do the same. I'm sure I will never achieve half as much as her, but her example keeps me trying.
The personal and intimate role-model that I share my life with is just as important. Full of human weakness and imperfection she still teaches me every day what it is to love and live. It is better that she is not perfect. Perfection does not allow for improvement and growth. And because she sees all of me and loves me anyway it is harder for me ignore all that is good about myself.
Virginia said that we think back through our mothers if we are women. She was right. I think back through her. But I think forward through Grace.
This has not turned out as it was supposed to. I was supposed to be writing about identification and the construction of identity. 
Oh well, maybe next time.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Oct 1, 2003
wishin' and hopin'
Posted Aug 26, 2003
Nathan is doing better, still in intensive care and on a ventilator but over the weekend his sedation has been reduced and he's coming round gradually. He's had his eyes open and after two weeks of little progress it feels like the biggest leap forward. It might be days or weeks before he's coherent and his head injury is going to be an unknown quantity for a while yet, but we're all happier now that he's showing signs of improvement.
So we're back home and in work properly again, and back on hootoo. I don't expect that my absence was particularly noteworthy, but I'm glad to be back. 
Discuss this Journal entry [6]
Latest reply: Aug 26, 2003
Everybody Hurts
Posted Aug 13, 2003
Late on Friday night Lizardy's brother was badly beaten. He's in intensive care. So we won't be around much for a while.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Aug 13, 2003
Dream a little dream.
Posted Aug 2, 2003
La vie est un reve. Ce le revile qui nous tu.
or something like that.
Discuss this Journal entry [3]
Latest reply: Aug 2, 2003
Birthday greetings, bottle of wine...
Posted Jul 29, 2003
Being 25's not so bad. So far its not any different from 24, except for the large ammount of birthday sex over the weekend.
I was expecting it to be a bad day. I don't do well with ageing. Birthdays make me feel, more intensely than usual, the dread of time creeping up on me, running away from me, and the fear of not doing evertying I have planned.
I was expecting to spend the day trying not to think depressing thoughts about life and mortality and pining over how little I've done in my 25 years. I was worried that my birthday might even trigger me.
The day started as badly as I had expected. I woke up and cried. I stopped crying and dried myself off, then woke my girl up. She was perfect. Brought me breakfast in bed and the best array of presents ever. She bought me leaf tea and an infuser and a selection of jams from whittards. Facemasks and bath things, a selection of weird little toys and a tiny cuddly cat. And a book of erotic lesbian fiction.
And then there was the card. The perfect, wonderful card. With a kitten on the front who lookes like my kitten. And inside Love from her and a list of so many wonderful things I've done. Silly things as well as big achievments and all full of humour and love.
I love my love, my love I love. She is perfect and she made my birthday wonderful.
Thank you beloved.
Discuss this Journal entry [10]
Latest reply: Jul 29, 2003
nadia
Researcher U226818
Write an Entry
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."